Dave the Dad

Sorry if things were wonky; TypePad was down for a while, so was showing a cached version of the blog. Anyhoo.

There’s lots of discussion in the TTC/pregnancy world about one’s partner’s role in pregnancy. Seems a lot of folks think that it is necessary for the dad (not trying to alienate my 2-moms friends, but dad is shorter than partner) to attend every. single. appointment. Me? Not so much.

I mean, maybe if time was no object at his job, he’d come, but honestly? It’s boring as hell. Not to mention, the appointments can get backed up pretty easily, due to the nature of the practice.  And I can’t even imagine trying to schedule an appointment around 2 schedules. If we both had office jobs or something, maybe, but he has clients and shoots and has to schedule the edit booth, and to try to juggle all of that for an appointment where I get weighed, pee in a cup, and have my belly measured? Pffft. Nah.

He does (and will) go to all the ultrasound appointments, and he’ll take me to the biopsy next month as well.  He’ll also, you know, attend the birth and any classes or whatever. But there’s a definite vibe of "if the dad isn’t at the appointment, he’s not involved enough."

To which I say, uh, no.  Dave is SO involved. He’s discussed breastfeeding with his dental hygienist. He’s read (or reading) the books. He hears random bits of info and will email me.  He worries about my swearing around the baby ALREADY. (FUCK.) He crawls into bed at night, and goes under the covers and puts his ear to my belly, and plugs his  other ear, to try to hear something, anything. He talks to the baby while he’s down there, too, for good measure.  The gift he’ll love the most, I’m sure, is the stethoscope I picked up at a medical supply store, so he can have a professional, analog, baby-listening device.  He’s involved.

We’d just rather hoard any lost-time stuff for the post-partum period, when his presence will be really valuable. I guess I don’t get how that’s weird. Whatever.

5 thoughts on “Dave the Dad

  1. I’m with you. David came to 2 non-ultrasound appointments — once to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and once to ask questions. I mostly don’t see the point. Those appointments can be dulllll. I value the other ways in which he’s involved/devoted so much more. On the other hand, I’m in general pretty blase about doctors’ offices, and maybe I’d feel differently if they made me nervous or whatever.

  2. I’m totally with you. J came to the appointments when I was having an ultrasound, and then the last month, every one. I had a difficult time navigating the subway and the ice on the streets and so needed his help to get around. Otherwise, the appointments were too boring.

  3. I have the best Dad in the world, and he came to NONE OF MY APPOINTMENTS. . .HE DID attend my birth (barely. . . he gets a little faint at the sight of all that fluid), my kindergarten graduation, and my highschool graduation. . a few band concerts, a couple of sporting events. . .
    He was (is) there when it counts.
    He walked me AS FAR AS HE COULD when I had surgery. He taught me how to swim, to ride a bike, to NOT litter. To remember that my shit DOES IN FACT SMELL< and that it is no less smelly, or smellier than other peoples shit. To not seek (or need) gratification for everything that I do. He taught me how to test for electrical current, how to fish, and took me flying over friends houses at the crack of dawn. He let me sit on his lap and learn how to drive, he let me drive around town, before I was legal. . . He was there when I tried to sneak the car. . . He never let me disrespet my mother. He stayed out of things, and was the FORCE I feared (for no reason) when Mom lost control of me. He made me aware of the need for ALONE time. He bought me my own tool belt, and made me feel like a REAL carpenter. He let me ride the lawnmower (even without a helmet -gasp). He built me a tree house out of left over lumber. It was ugly as hell. I loved it. He threw his beer caps in the lake for me to dive after. He rated my dives. . . giving a 10 ONLY when it was a TEN. Because we arent always perfect. . . and he taught me that its ok not to be. Because he wasnt at my moms appointments when she was pregnant makes him, what?? Still my Dad. There is no changing that.. no matter HOW MANY visits he attended. How many events, outtings, ceremonies. . . . . I couldn't imagine loving him more. I think some people are missing the BIG picture. . . I hope some day they will see. . .see what is TRULY important. There is no RIGHT way. Just a right way for YOU. People do things differently. That doesn't mean it's wrong. Gretch, you and Dave will do what is right for your little family. It may not be how ANYONE else does things. . .. . but thats OK. There is no doubt that your little one will be loved INSANELY by both of you! Personally, I think it is kind of COOL to have some of those moments, just you and babe. . . . . . . It's just, I dont know, peaceful.

  4. I’m with you. Erich never came to appts. With Magdalena, he was in class in the morning and then at work in the afternoon. This time he works computer repair in the mornings and still has an evening job. I never felt it was important. He went to the last one, and he went to a few u/s. ( I seem to get a lot of those. heh.) He did read magazines and was a HUGE help in breastfeeding. At some point, he could get the baby latched on if needed when I was sleeping. 🙂
    He read somewhere that sweet potatoes were good for you during pregnancy and argued with me in the middle of the grocery store that I should be eating them. (I don’t like sweet potatoes.)
    And he also took part in the pregnancy by gaining almost 40 pounds (double what I gained!)

  5. Needless to say, I’m with you. Also, unlike many new moms I know, I didn’t make him get up with me for the nighttime feedings (at least in the beginning,I had to wake up to feed her, and I didn’t see any point in us both being sleep deprived).
    I think there can be relationship equality in division of labor, not only sharing everything. He does some things; I do others. We’re equal in parenting, not because we share in every experience, but because we work as a team.

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