I am beat. Sitting in the Union waiting for my 5:30 class, and totally exhausted. Class goes til 8, and Dave is on dinner duty (as well he should be) and then I’ll probably pass right the fuck out.
We talked last night, and mostly I’m just so annoyed that the ONE thing I’ve wanted my entire life, the ONE THING, is so hard to just have happen. I’m jealous of people who don’t know what a beta is, or what it should do. I’m jealous of people that just…. get pregnant. And ten months later, have a baby. That seems so, so, so far away for me now. The last one, well, it sucked, and this one is all about Increase your synthroid! 10 vials of blood! 1 pee cup! Phone tag with your (awesome, really) doctor’s office! vaginal suppositiories! and I’m not even five. freaking. weeks. yet.
It’s just so . . . clinical. Already. And if this one doesn’t pan out, then I have more information, more tweaking of my system to do, more optimizing, I guess. I CAN get pregnant. I MIGHT be able to stay pregnant. But none of it will be done with any sort of casual attitude.
I mean, when i say this is the one thing I’ve wanted forever? I really mean that. I never had an adolescent backlash of "I’m NEVER having kids." I remember promising myself that I would wait until I was at least 21 to have a baby, because then I’d be old enough. I LOVE children. I am GREAT with them, and I’m not just saying that. If there is one thing I feel I was born to do, it is to be a mother. And to have that ONE TRUE DESIRE be so slowly, and agonizingly, realized, well, it sucks. SUCKS.
I love having access to so much information, but sometimes it’s a curse, too. I just wish this was easy, of all the things I’ve had to struggle for in my life, I never really imagined that THIS would be one of them.
Greschya,
Oh, oh, oh, I could have written this post. I feel exactly the way you do–if that isn’t too annoying to say.
I have always known I’ve wanted kids, and I am so good with them, and was so unambivalent about TTC. And now this. And I am the only one of my friends whose had a beta. They didn’t even know they were pg until their periods were a week or three late. It’s so so so painful. And yes, even if I’m able to stay pg someday, it certainly is a different experience…I don’t know that I’ll ever relax about this. I’ve been pg 3 times, have no kids…the math is pretty simple. Why should I relax? I am so envious of pp who get pg easily, stay pg, and have a baby. I never had the “oh my god! I’m pregnant” feeling, b/c by the time I conceived, we’d been trying 7+ months and were past the magical relaxed phase and fully immersed in “do it whether we feel like it or not b/c I might ovulate soon” phase…
I really hope things work out for you. It sounds like the progesterone thing is scary, but hopefully manageable.
I’m thinking ’bout you!