So, for our plan of not telling people, I’ve actually told quite a few.  All women, with the exception of my husband and my dad, and all women that would probably need to know if something bad happened. Working in a K-8 school, where 95 percent of the staff is female, that means I’ve told maybe a dozen people, tops.

The last person I told was an ed tech that works with one of my students.  She had been out on maternity leave, and the first lunch back she sat next to me and said "So, I hear you’re not coming back . . . do you have any plans?" and my coteacher sort of snorted and said "OH yeah,she has plans" and looked at me, so I leaned over and whispered to Rachel "Yeah, I’m pregnant."  She just about jumped out of her chair, she had such a physical and excited reaction.  I told her it was hush hush mostly (and mostly its the kids I don’t want finding out) but yeah, I’m pregnant.

Today she came with us on a field trip, and while the kids were doing a laser thing, we talked about it more.  She told me that one of her friends had just miscarried at 9 weeks (I’m 7) and she felt awful about it (Rachel) because they had told everyone, started buying stuff, etc etc.  And I agreed that it really was early, but I was only telling a few people, etc etc.

The more I’ve thought about it, I’ve figured out why I’ve been compelled to tell the people at work.  I spend the bulk of my day with them, for one, and it’s helped to have some sympathy when I need to go pee, again, or when I’m tired and leave as soon as possible, or whatever.  But also, these are people that would find out if Something Happened.  I know they would.  I know now that one of our regular subs miscarried recently, and I don’t know because she told me, but it got around. Same with a student teacher from last year.  And I know that if the sub (the intern moved away) told me now that she was expecting, I’d react . . .  differently.  Maybe too eager. SOmething.  Because she has a History, and doesn’t know I know (I never knew she was pregnant until she wasn’t) and it would be different.

By telling people now, early, I am getting such a thrill of the pure happiness that people are sending me.  If something happens, I will have at least had that experience, which is only available once, if you’re lucky.  Announcing your first pregnancy, even in these hopeful and nervous first few weeks, is really EXCITING.  Everything is full of possibility and hope and good luck, and I know that there are people sending lots of good energy to me and the squidlet from all around the world, and that is so cool.

I feel like I’ve let my guard down a bit, but what ‘guard’ is there?  Not telling won’t guarantee a 40 week perfect pregnancy.  Telling won’t make certain a devastating loss.  What’s meant to be, will be.  I’ve always lived my life thinking that, and it won’t stop now.

We still won’t tell the MIL and SILs until Mother’s day.  It makes a great gift, and it will be immediately after our first ultrasound, where, stastically speaking, the odds are 90 percent that we’ll see a heartbeat and celebrate that.  That 10 percent, if it happens, it happens.  I can’t do anything to prevent it, I can only proceed assuming everything is okay.  Which I’m beginning to feel more and more confident that it is.

The good vibes don’t hurt, though.