If you don’t remember those books, you missed out on a really great part of the 80s.  I loved them.  It was 15 books in one, depending on which direction you took.  I sometimes think of my own life as the ultimate CYOA book.  I love where I’ve ended up.  I love wakingup to the my husband and the cat blinking at me, and smiling or purring.  I love my neighborhood, and I love my city.  I’m working through my job issues, but I love my kids.  It’s a good life.  But what if?

What if I hadn’t moved to Bangor? Or gone to UMF the first time? Or if Aton lived? Or if I backed out at the travel agent’s office that time, and didn’t buy the plane tickets? What if I’d stayed in Phoenix? What if I’d never gone in the first place?

There were a couple of things that had me thinking back to the various alternate endings that I missed.  On Saturdays, we drink coffee and check email and such while watching the Early Show (our tv only gets CBS clearly, and we joke that our kids will think that there is only one tv station, "the one where Daddy works." Heh.)  There’s always a segment with a musician, usually someone only vaguely familiar, and we usually make fun of them.  This weekend’s guest in the "Second Cup Cafe (gag)" was Ani DiFranco.  I haven’t listened to Ani in AGES, as most of the stuff I had was dubbed from someone else’s CD onto cassettes, that are MIA.  She had a new(to me, anyway) song, first, and then she played a really familiar tune.  It must have been on Living in Clip, or I assume it was, because that’s what I added to my Amazon wishlist at the end.  The song resonates with me, in so many ways, for more than one person in the past.  It was good to hear it in this context, legs entwined with my husband’s, snow falling outside, cinnamon rolls in the oven and hot coffee in one hand.  I’ve been singing the song in my head ever since, and when we return from our trip, I want to get a CD player for my Subaru so that I can sing along to all of my chick music again.  Anyway.  The song, gravel, really had me thinking back to when it meant something more than just a placeholder for a certain period of my life.  Wonder if I could dig up the tape from the depthsof the Escort? I haven’t howled along with Ani in way too long.

gravel

i heard the sound of your bike,
as your wheels hit the gravel,
then your engine in the driveway 
cutting off
and i pushed through the screen door
and i stood out on the porch
thinking figh, fight, fight
at all costs, 
but instead i let you in, 
just like i've always done
and i sat you down and offered you a beer
and across the kitchen table 
i fired several rounds,
but you were still sitting here 
when the smoke cleared.
and you came crawling back 
to say that you wanna
make good in the end

and oh, oh, 
let me count the ways 
that i abhor you,
and you were never a good lay
and you were never a good friend
but, oh, oh, what else can i say...
i adore you

all i need is my leather,
one t-shirt and two socks,
i'll keep my hands warm 
in your pockets 
and we can use the engine block,
and we'll ride out to california
with my arms around your chest,
and i'll pretend that this is real
'cuz this is what i like best,
and you've been juggling two women
like a stupid circus clown
telling us both we are the one
and maybe you can keep me from ever being happy,
but you're not gonna stop me from having fun.
so let's go before i change my mind
i'll leave the luggage of all your lives behind
'cuz i am bigger than everything that came before

and you were never very kind, 
and you let me way down every time
but oh, oh, oh what can i say...
i adore you

i heard the sound of your bike,
as your wheels hit the gravel, 
then your engine in the driveway 
cutting off