So, I’m looking for a job, and I have daycare lined up, and I have the master’s degree finished. But damn, it stresses me out. This stuff is hard.

Today, for instance, it is crappy and freezing rainy/snowy, and so Ingrid and I are going to stay in the house. I’ll finish the laundry, I have tea on, she’s up for her first nap and Dave will be home at noon for his lunch hour. We got out of bed at 8:15, and the only reason I know that is that I check the clock to figure out the cat’s insulin shot. I’m dreading the idea of getting us all out of the HOUSE by 8, when we don’t get out of BED before 8.

I got the Y brochure this weekend, and went through it looking to see if they’d added new baby programs so that I could update my website if necessary. They hadn’t, but, it still made me miss my fantasy SAHM world, where we have a family membership to the Y, and a few days a week I take Ingrid to infant swimming, or take her to the child care room so I can do the lunchtime yoga class, or pilates, or… something. And then we go outside and get in our street legal, low mileage Outback to get to the library for some books, before meeting friends at the Bagel Shop for lunch.

The reality? Is that I’m dodging cops on the way to free storytime, because my inspection is way out of date, and it will cost a ton of money to inspect my car this year — a combo of new inspection rules, and people not letting the Stuck-On ABS light to slide. (which sucks, it was a recall my parents tried to fix for YEARS, but the local dealership — who we will never buy from, incidentally — never actually fixed it, they’d call them to come in — form 100 miles away, of course — not fix the damn light, but say the brakes needed to be entirely replaced or whatever. They have a big award in the waiting room for selling the most ‘parts and service’ in the region or country or something, which… that’s not the award you want to see, am I right? I digress…) so, I dodge cops, our savings is dwindling, and affording a luxury like the Y isn’t going to happen. And working won’t let it happen, either, because when I’m going to be reducing my RDA of Ingrid to like, 2 waking hours (UGH) I don’t want to spend that time at THE Y.

I feel so lucky to have had 8 months of All Ingrid, All the Time, and I need to be bringing in an income — in addition to the car repairs, we need a new oil tank this year, which is a major expense. And hi, savings. We need to build that back up. And my student loans are coming out of grace soon. And. And. And.

I need to work. I need to have a job. I am thankful that I have a daycare slot in the only accredited place in town, that it’s near to our house and Dave’s work, that I have a degree that means I will be able to (hopefully) work in a field I love, not just nights at Wendy’s or something, and actually MAKE money over and above the daycare expense.  (You know, knock wood and all that…)

But still. It’s HARD to wrap my head around, and then add in that any job I get will be brand new, so there’s all that new job anxiety, plus First Job as a Mom (I don’t count LLB here, because that was quite mindless, and didn’t involve a daycare payment near the price of our MORTGAGE), and, damn, it’s nerve wracking. Nerve. Wracking. 

I still haven’t heard anything from the resumes I’ve sent out (tho one has certainly not arrived yet, the school dept one…) but I have to tell dave, out loud, when I send one, just to get used to the idea. It also makes me a little accountable — not that I have to report to my husband, but it’s good for ME to say "hey, I saw a job" and follow with "and sent them a resume today." I’m really wondering what the Staples copy center folks think, since I’m always applying for tech jobs, but going to THEM for printing. I mean, I don’t have a printer anyway, and fuck! It’s likw $.20 a copy, laser B&W, on pretty, heavy, paper! Why WOULD I fuck around at home?