I don’t know why I picture a bus, but I do.  And I’ve used it as my analogy for a long time, that I would feel odd getting on the pregnancy bus before someone that had been waiting longer than me.  And then I was on the bus, in a seat with Lulu and Bizarrogirl, and looking out the window feeling guilty as the doors cloed.  But, as it turns out, my ticket was expired, and I’m back on the bench, waiting.

I knew there was that empty seat, though, and when persephone posted about her most recent mikvah, I wrote to her to say that I hope she got the seat I gave up. 

I just read your post, and oh, I am so filled with hope and good wishes
for you.  I felt like Lulu and I were saving a seat for you on the
pregnancy bus, and maybe you can have mine now.

I’m feeling okay…. If, in 6 cycles I’m not pregnant, I might feel a
lot more angry at this one, but right now, it’s the one positive thing
I can cling to: I can get pregnant. I got there once before.

I hope that my Worst Mother’s Day Ever is your First Mother’s Day Ever.  Take care!

It’s interesting, this triad of Lulu, Persephone and I.  It’s almost a bad joke: "A Christian, an Orthodox Jew, and an Agnostic walk into an OB/GYN office . . ."  We all have our different belief systems.  While Persephone is thinking of me at mikvah, I am wishing for her throughout the day.  Lulu and persephone pray, I wish, send good vibes, try to imagine the good energy looping it’s way down the east coast, and swirling out to the Pacific Ocean. 

It’s part of why I was so excited when Lulu was pregnant, but also sad that Persephone wasn’t. It felt like middle school, like Lulu and I were sharing a mirror and applying lip gloss and Persephone was in the background, waiting for us to finish.  And then I miscarried.

Here’s a verse Jews sometimes say to each other: "They who sow in tears
shall reap in joy."  I hope it comes true for you…

Persephone emailed me that after the email I sent above.  And from her post that day:

I don’t understand why it has to work this way, why there has to be
this confluence of happiness and grief. Why so many have to lose their
heart’s desire just as others receive it.

And today, when I come home and check my Bloglines and click on persephone’s update, I read this entry, and I think "Oh, sweetie! Here’s a sweater and a bag lunch! Share the cookies with Lulu! Call me when you get there, I worry, you know."

The Agnostic wishes are flowing, and have been flowing strongly, to you, persephone.  They will continue to pile up around you, unseen but sincere.  I’m not suffering for your happiness, but I am made happy in my ‘suffering’  by this news.