Oh, thank you so much for your comments and emails. I was a little afraid to put that out there and seeming dramatic, but I think you get it. So, thanks.
On the upside! I have an appointment at 3:30 to get my hair cut and OH MY GOD, HIGHLIGHTED. I have never had any sort of professional coloring done, and I’m pretty sure I’ve spent a great deal of time making fun if highlights, but, there you go. I am getting so much white hair (not gray, white, like fishins line) that I’m taking the plunge. My mother grayed so early that I don’t remember her natural hair color, and only in the last year did she let it go gray. My sister dodged the bullet by being a blonde, I think, but I did not. My kids are always freaked out when I pull up a part of hair and reveal a very Bride of Frankensteinish white streak (of course, I pull it up and say "See this! YOU DID THIS!" but that’s another story.), so I’m hitting the bottle. Holy nuts.
I still haven’t started bleeding, and was telling PJ, "HAHAHA, wouldn’t that be funny that my first ‘sign’ was hopeless depression and fear of impending sanity!" And, fuck it, I’ve had sushi and beer in the past 2 weeks, so why not dye my hair, too. If I’m going for the Murphy’s law fertility treatment, that pretty much completes the trifecta.
And, part of why this feels so big and scary is that in Maine, fertility is not covered by insurance. We do not have the money to do it ourselves, or to even adopt if we wanted to. Our only feasible track to parenthood is the DIY method, and that’s why it’s crushing me a little more each month. Our next best option would be to be foster parents, which is it’s own complicated process.
What’s hard is that this is all I’ve ever wanted, ever. I played with dolls long after my friends stopped. I have always been fascinated by pregnancy and birth, since I was a little kid and played "pregnant mom" when we played house. It is only recently that I’ve been able to work on fulfilling that dream, and that it’s not. happening. yet. is what is so painful. I know it’s still early, in so many ways. But it still scares the living shit right out of me that it might not happen.
My hair started going gray at 15, so I don’t even REMEMBER what my real hair looks like. I have highlights and drink beer and eat sushi, but I’m not pregnant, so you’ll have to throw in “sex in a car behind the football stadium” if you really want things to happen. I want you to have millions of babies. And I almost always get what I want.
I can’t believe I missed the previous posts, but you know you’re in my heart and mind these days. it’s going to be okay, you know. Whatever happens, it will be okay. until then, please take comfort in a few cyber hugs and sympathetic smiles. we’re here, you know. and we love you.