I’m really beginning to think that I am depressed.  Not bummed depressed, but DE. PRESSED.

It’s not something I’ve written much about, but there have been some dark-ass days in my life.  When I was younger, mostly, and then the occasional "Day off from life" that I take, but this TTC thing is starting to take a new toll on me, and it scares me to death that I’m googling the effect of meds on fertility/pregnancy/etc.

I’ve been pretty good, and still am, about reminding myself that it hasn’t been *that* long, that others suffer much more than me, that I should be thankful of all that I have, but Lil’ Miss Sunshine over here is starting to get a little squirrelly.

Every month I feel a little crazier, and little off base, and every ‘symptom’ I feel is real, it’s real to me, you know? But I’m NOT FUCKING PREGNANT! So is it real? Do I have a progressively worsening case of PMS? What the fuck?  I am feeling. Crazy. each month, it gets a little worse.  A little more painful, a little more sad.  But next month, I think, I keep saying, NEXT MONTH it will happen and once it happens I’ll feel better about the whole thing, my mood will improve, the foggy head will clear and I’ll be able to see a little more clearly.  It’s eating away at me, bit by bit. 

I went to the dentist for a cleaning, and when I left I just drove.  There are things I have to do, for sure, like register my car, get the oil changed in the Subaru, work on stuff for school (both middle and grad) return somethiing for my mom, get my hair cut…but I just couldn’t do it.  I went to the strip mall with the salon, and walked in! I walked in! and  decided I just couldn’t do it, so I looked at the sale stuff and walked out again.  I went to the bookstore and bought two magazines, one for short hairstyles and Real SImple because I felt weird about buying my first every hairstyoe magazine.  I bought a piece of chocolate, and came home and made a sandwich and ignored the dirty dishes and looked through the magazines and finished my tourney post and looked at my favorite websites and didn’t post, or even read the new messages, and all I want to do is just fucking cry and go to sleep and wake up pregnant and happy and to clean dishes and finished errands and work anxiety having been erased.  But it won’t happen.

When I quit smoking, I used Wellbutrin and did okay on it, and now I’m kind of wondering if I should use it for it’s intended purpose, except I don’t even know who I’d call, and what if it’s bad for fertility? I just can’t quite fucking deal right now.  The one thing I really want, the one thing I’ve wanted my whole life is not fucking happening.  I know it’s still early, but really, how still early is it? If I feel all these "symptoms’ shouldn’t I also be able to make a line on a stick? I’m halfway through my vacation and dreading returning already. I’m not feeling good, at all.

So, yeah, that’s where I’m at. Feeling crazy, depressed, sad and scared.  Happy Wednesday.