Well, this entry was all about recounting the wonderful things in my life, and how I make fun of my sister and her golden horseshoe, but I’ve been pretty lucky, too, and how I probably need to just relax. It also listed — with bullets! — the things I am most anxious about, the things I am most thankful for, and the possible solutions to that angst. In the midst, no, actually, near the end of this entry, I closed the lid of my iBook and went to do dishes and make dinner. And while I did that, Dave decided to check his email.
I had six tabs open, people, including two google searches, and he used my TypePad tab to check his mail. And while Typepad is amazing and I love it, it does not have the capability to undo stupid-ass things like not saving a draft before one’s husband verifies that no, no one had emailed him today. Clicking back doesn’t fix anything.
And here I am.
Basically, there are things for which I am truly grateful to have. I never expected to get a job before I finished my undergrad degree, but I did. I never expected to find a house with old trees and a huge yard in town, and we did. I never expected to find a husband so completely compatible, loving, respectful, and amazing (even if he did just undo a big entry, or "the one thing on the internet that I can’t re-find!") but I did. Pretty cool.
When I got home from shopping this afternoon, I talked to Dave about all the anxiety I’m feeling about everything right now. I hate my job, my car sucks, I’ve gained weight and am having some body-hatred going on, I have no idea what I should do in the face of "you might get pregnant any time" (haha) to alleviate any of this anxiety. He sympathizes to an extent, because it’s our issue — where will the baby go if I have to work, for instance, or how much of my income can we afford to lose — but I really feel the most weight of the situation because a baby will take over my body for at least a year, from conception to the end of a traditional mat leave, if I do end up back at work. And because I will want to nurse, if I go to work, I need to figure out pumping and all of that, too.
I have options, I have a degree, I’m working on my Master’s. I can do just about anything, but what will be right in the context of TTC? I hate my job, hate it, but if I were to get pregnant this month, I would be due in November, and I could hack working one quarter, giving birth, and then not coming back because of a "shift in priorities" or what have you. I would get some good benefits from doing that (insurance is through Dave, so the benefits are in addition to that) and it would probably be worth it to stick it out. But what if I don’t get pregnant this month? Where is the tipping point in worth it/I will lose my mind?
The options as I see them now, are that I could leave at the end of the year and look for a job elsewhere. I could work at a library, temp, ed-tech or sub in the fall, even look for some type of office job. Whatever. I could apply to the grad school for full time and a GA position in the fall, which would be a hit financially, but pay off in the long run, I think. (Hmmm, say I got a GA position and won a private scholarship…would I get extra cash? Can I even do that?) Oh, and teaching night school! I almost forgot about that! The tech staff at my school has connections with adult ed and night school positions that they’ve tried to hook me up with before. Can’t forget about night school.
I just need to do something else. I have to remember that things work out the way they should. I still have Marilyn out there, networking for me and my mad technology skillz, too. I need to think about what I would LOVE to do. I would LOVE to be a Technology Integration Specialist, or a consultant to do workshops in IT at schools. I would love to teach at the community college level; the local CC has a para-educator program, and I think teaching about IT at that level would be WONDERFUL. If paras came out of a CC with strong tech skills, it would be sooo beneficial. I would love to write a tech column for the paper. Fuck, it still annoys me that the local paper has an entire position based on shopping tips. ShopGIrl works full time to remind us at least monthly that Marden’s has good deals. I KNOW! Why can’t I write for the paper and say, every fourth column, "Google is a fast search engine! Use it!" I would love to take pictures for money.
So, those are the things I would love to do. In the midst of all that, I want to have a baby, and also stay financially afloat. All of this = much anxiety in my head.
I don’t even know how to wrap this up ,because it’s so fucking convoluted, so, the end.
It’s not very helpful, but I totally sympathise.
Um, hi. This is a couple of days late, and also advice you didn’t ask for, and hopefully won’t need, and could probably predict I’d say anyway, so I’m not sure why I’m saying it. But I just wanted to say YES, YES, YES to this, from your Car Dilemma entry:
“I’m thinking that maybe I should just live life and do what I need to do now, and hope that a baby becomes a reality at some point.”
If there’s one thing you take away from my story, I hope it’s that. The only thing I can imagine worse than not getting the baby when you want it, is looking back and realizing you put off doing everything else you really wanted because you were waiting for it. Or, put the other way round, the only thing making me feel better about the past 2 and 1/2 years is knowing that I may not have a baby to show for it, but I’m well on my way to a dream career change. Is it going to be sticky if I get pregnant in my first semester next fall? Yep. But I’d rather have too many good things to contend with, than none. I can always drop out and get a job I hate THEN, you know?
All that to say, if working another couple of years will be worth it to you regardless of baby timing, great. Or if you would be in financial trouble if you got pregnant without this job, there’s no question. But if the only thing keeping you from quitting and pursuing the things you’re dreaming about, is that your current job will be more convenient for baby timing – I would really, really urge you to go for it. The baby will come when it comes – hopefully SOON! – and you can’t control that. But the rest you can.
/end assvice/