First, on the MIL.
At the family party I attended as the S-G Househould Representative (Dave had to work), I got to hear all about the MIL’s cancer thingie. It’s a 2" square, and she was scheduled for biopsy on Monday and a brain and body scan yesterday. (Fret not, the whole conversation was peppered with who was taking her/staying with her/and it’s not you guys for a typical dose if IL guilt tripping). Apparently, both went well, according to Dave who talked to her yesterday. (On the phone, which I’m sure does not rank as much as In Person, so we are still awful people.)
Of course, the conversation then turned to Thanksgiving, whcih went kind of like this: "So, you guys are going to the mountain? Yeah? That will be nice.. . . I just hope that this Thanksgiving isn’t Mom’s last, you know. It’s just scary to think of what could happen by next year… but you guys will have fun with your parents, I’m sure. And if she’s still here next year maybe we can plan something . . ."
I asked Dave when we got home, because it is his MOM, you know? And I told him we could do whatever he wanted, it was up to him. Did he want to stay here? ("Helllll NO.")
Here’s the thing. Yes, MIL could die over the course of a year. But so could MY parents, or even one of US for that matter. If you look at risk factors, all MIL has is a smoking-ravaged body (No radiation on account of the built in defibrillator, the solution would be removing the upper lobe of her left lung) and a generally unhealthy lifestyle. My parents, on the other hand, are healthy. They travel, and ski, and drive tens of thousands of miles each year, far more than the average 15k. They ski and kayak and go rafting and hiking and duck hunting on the open sea. Who says that they will be here? And, for that matter, we did it this way because we aren’t going home for Christmas with them, as we’ve done every year before, but having them come here.
It’s just frustrating. One of my coworkers was talking about her own passive-aggressive, manipulative mother, and how she preferred spending time with her inlaws. It made me feel a little better about Dave, because it IS his family. But, I think he has a better time with mine. We talk, they know each other, we don’t stare slack-jawed at whatever "game" is on the tv. My mom is a loon, which drives us both nuts, but she’s not laying on ghe guilt every time we see her. Because, gasp! SHe actually initiates CONTACT with us! Despite the fact that she lives 100 miles away! The ILs, who all live in city limits, never call us unless MIL is in the hospital, or we’re trying to make plans for the three holidays they want us for: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. (We are so DONE with numbers 1 & 3, but Christmas Eve will remain our one concession.) It’s just fucked up.
Also, if my MIL does die before next Thanksgiving, my SILs are so much older that Dave said it was like "having 3 mothers." Which, in turn, means I have three MILs. Gah.
(I don’t mean to sound like a total bitch, it’s a complex situation that readers at the old journal are more familiar with, and I’m really a very nice person. But my ILs are fucking annoying as all hell.)
Team Baby ’05 update:
I’m pretty much convinced that I’m not this month. I went from wildly positive to wildly negative, and I don’t even think I’ll test tomorow. On that note, my Amazon order arrived with such titles as "1,000 Questions about your pregnancy" and "the ABCs of Grandparenting" and I put the whole box in the back room, and feel a little bit like I’m browsing at the House of Brides without a boyfriend.
Hmph. We’ll see, but our 11 days off next month are pretty well timed, and I’m going to be a little more direct, I think. which I didn’t really want to do, but dammit! I am READY. I’m thinking I won’t even OPK but instead, just go for an every-other-day thing as soon as I stop bleeding and not stop until I start again. And just hope that I don’t start again.
I broke down and tested this morning. Negative, of course. I really don’t think I am this month, either…and if I am not we’re putting it off for two or three months. Hoping you have better luck than me!
If nothing else that will make for an interesting month, right? Ah you know I am rooting for you, this month and any possible months of trying! Have a good drive tomorrow, be safe.
OK
I know that your IL’s are incredibly strange. I know that your MIL has not been, or likely will never be, a great mother to her son.
This being said, I think that I need to play devils advocate. . .just for a minute.
She did give birth to your wonderful, loving, perfectly flawed husband. It was because of where he was that he is now where he is and who he has become. We have had the whole nature vs nurture conversation. . .and aren’t sure where or how things went RIGHT for him. But they did.
You are going to be a mother. You may or may not understand WHAT happened along the way. . you may be more disgusted. I fight this battle myself. My MIL was alot like yours, and I struggle, STRUGGLE with what is right. I get passive aggressive BS on a regular basis, and just plain old BLAMED for shit that I have not done. It sucks. BUT, I guess that I prefer to take the higher ground. Not just for internal peace, but for him, for her, and for her grandchildren. REGARDLESS of how screwed up things were, she is, like you said, his mother. There is something deep within all of us that knows they love us. . . .. even if through an agry, resentful, self centered heart. Even if she truly, 100% doesn’t give a shit about her son, which I doubt, then he/you should acknowledge her strengths. You have mentioned a few things that she does (puzzles, and bitch). . .look harder. THere has to be SOMETHING there. . .
I guess that I worry about aftermath. . `you know, the guilt. The guilt that will, without a doubt, surface. Not because he owes her something she never gave him, but because he’s better than that. Because he is a stronger person than she was. Because as an adult we are able to put the blame aside and make decisions for ourselves and choose what type of a person we want to be.
I AM NOT PERRECT, I can’t stomach my MIL 90% of the time. I have no respect for the things that she has or hasn’t done. But, after each dreadful visit. . you know of these, I feel good. Sick, but good. Good because I was able to show my kids, and Larry something that they will either never understand, or may process a few days, weeks or years from now. That I tried, and that I didn’t stop trying. That I didn’t let HER yuck as a person get into ME. I didn’t let it rub off on my children, and that I did the right thing. I swallowed her BS, stood up for myself when I felt like I should, and encouraged a revisit. Not for me.
Your family IS going to be more fun. They are much more aware people. And YOUR family. You are going to love them regardless. But this isn’t about who is better. I think it’s about preventing future hostility, resentment, guilt, and or apathy.
I know that this is lame but. . . . .You get what you give (and I know that maybe she is getting what she gave), but unfortunately it doesn’t stop there. You too, will get what you give, and soon there will be little ones watching and learning.
You have worked hard for EVERYTHING in your life. You have had to overcome things that some of us might not ever get past. His relationship with his family is difficult. You don’t have to mend it, but I think you should encourage it’s existence. If not for the feeling it will give you (which will be, without a doubt, frustration), but for those little ones you are going to have. Because their Mommy and Daddy will be better people having done that. And they will see. And they too will give.