We listened to the Sox game as we fell asleep last night, and when it was over, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, and when I finally fell asleep, I dreamt of pregnancy tests all night long.
I took at least three different kinds of tests in my dreams, and all of them were instantly, undeniably, positive. After each positive, I did something that is part of my own plan of “what I will do when I find out I am.” I fished out the Misfits onesie and tossed it to Dave, and in my dream I thought “wait, I wanted that to be more ceremonial, not just ‘wake up, I’m pregnant.” I searched my house looking for the phone list to call the secretary to tell her I wouldn’t be in. I even thought — IN MY DREAM — about what I needed to email for sub plans, and was glad it was a Monday because that’s the best day to sub.
So, when I woke up, I went to the bathroom, started running the water for my shower and I dug out a stick. And I peed on it. And it was negative.
I wasn’t necessarily expecting two lines, but the dreams were so vivid and wonderful that I figured I’d give it a go. Today is my start day, or would be, unless I ovulated late (remember those + OPKs of last weekend?) and have a normal luteal phase. Part of me wants to just start, NOW, so that I know. And part of me wants to have at least another 3-4 days before I start, so that I don’t have to worry (obsess) about LP defects. And then there’s that teeny tiny part that wants today’s test to have been way too early, that the OPK and resulting actions of last weekend were the Golden Moment and I have another week to obsess.
Either way, seeing those lines pop up, over and over again, if only in my sleep, was amazing. I’m a very lucid dreamer, and it was just so REAL. And we were just so happy about it.
I was pretty morose this weekend, and Dave at one point curled up to me and said “Why so glum? Because you don’t have a baby yet?” and I agreed. I went off birth control months ago, February, I think, was the last time I used it. Most of the spring was spent abstinent, for medical reasons, and we didn’t start trying until June. But still. I’m ready, now.
When finishing my MS, a prof asked me, “Define male and female without refering to sexual dimorphism,” and I was all, “Eh?” But, it was a question about the essense of gender. Femaleness is about being heavily invested, precious, and slow. Maleness is about being quick, abundant and wasteful. We are precious and slow, but our heavy investment makes us impatient and anxious. Women are so complex! So, what was the point? I forget. You know me, I’m totally scattered. I’ll leave MY babies on top of the car, with my coffee, and my wallet. Be precious and slow, and let your body make babies in its own time. Of course, I have absolutely NO idea what you’re going through, so you can totally disregard this message. But I’m hopeful for you.