One of the things I like about raking is that I can really think while I do it. It’s like that with dishes, too, but we have a dishwasher now so I don’t get that repetitive-motion-as-meditation-and-housework thing as much. But raking today, I just kept thinking about “”What have you always wanted to do?,” and my response was this:

“I’ve always wanted to be a professional creative. . . . author, photog, modern dancer… wait, not modern dance, I can’t dance! But I can write and shoot, and it’s one of those things that I wish I knew the secret to making a career out of selling photos for the covers of blank books, you know? Or having a column that can turn into a book, like Laurie Notaro, because I think I could write better than her. But she has three books, despite that.

I want a book! I want to have my job be “Here’s my weekly column, thanks for the check, now I can be an at home mom AND keep my house!”

And the more I raked, the more I thought. Erma Bombeck (who I totally admire, by the way) didn’t start writing until after she had kids. It’s not too late, right? I mean, I write almost every day, but I want to take what I write and make it something more. I want it to be my job.

And as I was raking, I just got this overwhelming sense of “I can do anything, I don’t HAVE to teach.”

Now, slow down, I am going to teach! I am, even though I’m already dreading going back on September 1. But with the new hobby of Procreation ’04: Biology Decides, it’s on my mind more than ever. My mother worked, she was a teacher for all of my childhood. When I was a kid, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always said “A mother who stays home with her children.” This, of course, wraacked my mother with guilt, and she didn’t know that the real motivation behind the desire was cookies, because Shawn M.’s mother stayed home and gave him cookies when he got home from school. I knew this because we were on the same bus route; his stop was a few after my babysitter’s house.

But, as I’ve gotten older that IS what I want, cookies notwithstanding. I want to be available for my kids, at least when they are young. And, as a second year teacher, it’s not like I’d be MAKING a whole lot of money if my kids were in daycare: I’d need to still drive 20 miles round trip each day, and pay for daycare (which is egregiously expensive, it appears) and invest a lot of time and energy into my 44 kids at school, as well as my own family. And, quite frankly, I don’t think it’s worth it to me.

But, we can’t live on Dave’s salary alone. I know that. We know that. But I feel like I’ve been focussing on keeping THIS job when we have kids, and I don’t HAVE to do that. There are options. I have a degree that is fairly flexible; I could work at the library, I could teach at the local psych hospital as they have inpatient services for kid and teens, and for that matter, maybe I could even tutor at the regular hospital. Even my district needs after school tutors for kids that have been kicked out of all five high schools (We have no high school in that town, so the kids get free choice of five different schools, which means that every school can refuse problem kids. And I really tend to love the Problem Kids.) I’m so new a teacher that I can afford to move on; my coteacher, for instance, is at the top of the scale… starting over for her would mean a drastic paycut. Not so for me.

So, I have options. Jump, and the net will appear, right? We have no debt except for one car payment and our mortgage, and if I don’t work, I can easily keep my car for a lot longer. We are big on saving money, and by the time I had a kid (even if I were pregnant RIGHT NOW, which, who knows, I found a broken robin egg this morning and almost cried, so it could be either a sign that I’m not, or one that I am because I almost cried, right? GODDAMN.) we could have a lot saved. And, by making this decision, I don’t have to worry about getting knocked up at the RIGHT TIME, I can relax and if I have a September baby, hey! No worries! (Right, no worries, heh.)

So, my goals are to:
1)Get pregnant
2)Not return to my classroom
3)Be creative
4)Find new income

All totally attainable, I’m certain. And, if I wanted to go back to teaching, if NCLB disappears and teaching CAN be creative again, and I want to (I think it would be great to teach when my kids are IN school) I can! It’s a job that won’t ever go away!

So, while I was raking I asked Dave, “If I wrote about funny stuff you did, would you be uncomfortable with that?” and he said “If it was local, yes. But if it was for a magazine, no.” (Such logic.) He continued to mow, and came in as I was typing this and said “You know, you’re a good writer, you should try to make it pay for you.”

Which, translated through the Dave-O-Matic means: “If you leave your job when we have kids, I will not suffer a full body aneurysm, and I support you. Just don’t put my name in the BDN.”