Yeah, I fell behind on my grand NaBloPoMo plans. Oh well. I was at the lake, with Ingrid, where this picture was taken. She’s sitting at my old kids’ table, playing with my old puzzle. Wild.
She’s getting so BIG now, and I miss my little baby. I feel like motherhood has given me so many new things to miss and be wistful for — pregnancy, labor & delivery (yes, seriously) those first hazy days in the hospital and at home, the first smiles the first everythings. And while she’s still growing and learning like mad (kisses! She mastered real kisses this week, and has been sneak-attacking, and the sensation is indescribably joyful) each evolution, something gets left behind. Foot clapping, not in ages. Forehead-kisses are a rarity now. Nursing. (I still miss nursing, in such a big way.) Even babywearing — I last wrapped her for a nap at a friend’s house, back in September. It had been months before then, too. I plan on taking it to Texas, but still. My days of almost daily wrapping are over.)
I love Ingrid in the present, don’t get me wrong! But I’m wondering what from this stage will be gone too quickly, over and done, and when will I notice? Even now — the last time we were at the lake, she was newly mobile, it was SO stressful, she wanted IN to everything, none of it babysafe. This time, she’s walking, playing with toys, more easily entertained and self-sufficient.
I just want one more. One. I dreamed that I was pregnant this weekend, that I was saying “No, Dave, I mean just one more for 2 kids, this one is that one, not one more after that for three!” But I am definitely NOT pregnant (I swear, half the reason I have an IUD is to prevent ME from having any ‘accidents’) and I was so sad to wake up and realize it was a dream. Even if we have another, it won’t be until 2010, anyway, because we simply cannot afford two in childcare. Period. And we really couldn’t afford for me to stay home without a job waiting, either.
Several of my online friends, who have babies born right around Ingrid’s birthday, are expecting again, or have had their second, and the envy is big. Or, another online friend, who’s had her second recently, in a spacing/employment scenario that I envision if we DO have two.
Which is the thing — I’m totally for two. Dave feels that we struck gold, why push our luck? There are differences — Dave didn’t grow up with his sisters, so while he has (half) sisters, he doesn’t have the sibling experience that I have, of growing up with someone. I just don’t feel done. I want one more. Just one. I wish it were an easier decision.