I’m a person who runs on gut instinct almost all of the time. I listen to that little voice closely, and it usually guides me well. (Hell, it’s why I’m pregnant now, just a little idea that I might be ovulating 10 days earlier than normal last august…) I am already hearing the little voice guide me on my way to parenting choices, like the fact that my instinct is guiding me to breastfeed, for instance. Where I’m lost, is what to know to do about the possibility of induction.

My appointment is tomorrow, where my doctor will be doing an ultrasound to check the size of the baby, etc. We already have a game plan in place, depending on the information gleaned, but I’m still itchy about it. When I think about what I most FEAR about giving birth, it isn’t pain or needles or clock-watching, but presence. I really fear not being ‘present’ when I have my baby.

The biggest disconnected scenario I can imagine is a c-section. C-sections are a great tool of modern medicine, and I know plenty of people that have had them for plenty of reasons. But to me, it just terrifies me to imagine staring at ceiling tiles and a blue drape and having my arms tied down for the most important moment of my life. Absolutely terrifies me.  (Not more than losing the baby in childbirth, so I would absolutely have a c-section if it was medically necessary, don’t get me wrong….) And that’s where the induction worries come in.

First, I trust my doctor. I ADORE her. In all the conversations we’ve had about size, etc, she is quick to assure me that it’s MY CHOICE. From other people that have had her, they rave about her in the delivery room, that she is low pressure, one woman said "After, she told me I was 5minutes from a c-section, but I never knew it." That speaks to me, because it seems that many doctors DO let you ‘know it’ which can just be crazy-making at times. It also lets me know that if she thinks it needs to be a c-section, I assume she’s not making a hasty judgment.  Unlike other docs, like the one who schedules 38w c-sections in the second trimester for breech babies that haven’t even been given time to TURN yet…. I really do trust my doctor, but I also trust myself.

If her recommendation is to induce next week, the pro is that she is the one on call, and would be delivering the baby. The way my practice works is that if MY doc isn’t available, one of the other docs in the practice is, usually, and they are of similar minds, from what I know. However, weekends are shared among all the local practices, and I COULD end up being induced and having dr "hurry up and have the baby, I have dinner reservations" be attending to me, which I would NOT like.

I worry about Pitocin leading to an epidural leading to a stalled labor leading to a c-section, in that order.  And, in all that, I worry about ending up being not present when the baby is born. On the flip side, I worry about skipping an induction to only need a c-section in the end, anyway, and again, with MAYBE my doctor, or maybe someone else.  I worry that induction will be my window to a birth withthe least interventions and the most presence, and if I decline that when it’s offered, I’m just screwing myself in a different way.

It helps that I’ve heard of a recent induction that went really well, no c-section, and the mom was OBVIOUSLY ‘present,’ as it’s evident in how she tells the story.  I guess — I’m not looking for perfect. Perfect, to me, would be labor starts on its own, I labor at home, go to the hospital and find that I’m at LEAST 4cm. I bounce on the ball, get great support from Dave and Amy and the labor nurse (god, I hope I get a good one!) push twice and don’t tear and have a great moment of Dave announcing the sex. But that’s what EVERYONE wants, right? That would be perfect, but I know not to EXPECT perfection. Everyone is different, every birth is different, every experience is different. All I really want is presence. And, of COURSE, a healthy baby. To have even those two things would be more than some people EVER get, and I am aware of that.

I just worry that tomorrow will be a Day to Decide. I hope that it’s not — I hope that it’s "hey, the baby is only 6 pounds, and everything else is great!" and that the need to Decide Something doesn’t even come up. If it DID come up, barring any seriously dangerous issues (aside from size), it wouldn’t be an immediate thing anyway. I imagine it would be a matter of "I recommend an induction" and I decide what to do, and it’s scheduled for next week or whatever, during which time I do lots of things at home to try to ripen the ol’ cervix. (On top of the tea and evening primrose oil I’ve already started….)

I’m just so ready! and excited. I feel like it’s the last few days before a big trip to some new exciting place — my bags are packed, I’m ready to jump in with both feet, I’m ready to meet our baby. I just want to be sure I don’t end up in the wrong place, or that my bags don’t get rerouted, or whatever…  So, it’s all normal, right? To be 38w and nervous and excited and worried about making the (first) right choice?  (Positive induction stories are always welcome, too, either as a comment or email or link or whatever…..)