This is a red week. Red is important this week, for some reason. The Red Sox are playing the Cardinals for the World Series during a lunar clipse, when the moon will glow red. It’s red ribbon week ( at school and around the country) for drug awareness or something. A colleague got test results that are not good regarding her um, female system. (more red, okay?) I’m waiting to bleed. Red. Weird.
Can I confess something? As much as I want a positive result, as much as I want to see two lines tomorrow, as exciting even my dream-positives were, and as scared as I have been (either outloud or not) I’m just as scared that I AM pregnant.
That’s ridiculous, right? I mean, I’ve been so focused on “What if I can’t conceive?” I’ve not really thought about “Holy shit, what if I CAN!?!”
What if something goes wrong while I’m pregnant? What if I fuck up the kid when it’s born? What if i was wrong, and I’m actually a HORRIBLE MOTHER? What if I drop the baby or get into a car wreck or leave the stove on or leave the bleachpen in the tub or forget the baby in the car one day?
OH MY GOD! What am I THINKING to want a baby?! All I really want is ice cream, or to break into our Reese’s Halloween Candy stash that is hidden in the locked garage. And a nap. Grownups have babies, NOT ME!
No. I want a baby, I do. But it’s feeling really scary all of a sudden. And I AM a grownup, dammit! By this point in her life, my mom was pregnant with my sister and considered high risk because of her “advanced maternal age.” She delivered Kate when she was THIRTY.
Deep. Breaths.
I mean, it will probably be negative anyway, so I’ll have a month to regroup. Sigh.
OK, if / when you test, you are going to call me, right?
I don’t think it would be very cool of you NOT to call. I have been freaking out about this, and just talked to mom on the phone who asked, “is gretchen pregnant this month”? Yeah, she’s onto you. Since the conversation she had with you about something weird, can’t remember. . I think it was about the runs, anyway. . . .
I will be up at about 7ish, and you can call me mid-stream. I don’t care. .. just call, kay?
Agnes
Yikes, you freak out better than most. Deep, calming breaths. Remember yoga? Om. Om.
I leave for Springfield (basketball hall of fame!) and Holyoke (volleyball invented there!) tomorrow morning. Isn’t that exciting? Just think, I’ll be only 3 states away instead of a bazillion. Maybe it’s me that’s stalking you. Drat. I think I need to go to bed. Good luck friday!
I totally understand what you mean! It’s frightening and exhilerating and sobering all at the same time. But, when I feel the wee one flipping around at night, all my fears subside and I concentrate on her. Not all of the “what ifs.” I’m thinking of you and hoping for the best. If you want to talk, email me and I’ll give you my #.
Hey, being scared just means you have your eyes open, right? You don’t want to be one of those ttc’er’s who thinks the hard part will all be over when she gets pregnant…
Just to let you know – the scared part never ends. I mean, it gets better after you get pregnant – and much better after you have a baby…
At least you’re ready 🙂 And trust me…it’s ALL worth it. Absolutely 100% would do everything all over again (oh wait, I am…damn it…but still).