Today’s OPK was negative, so I’ve ovulated! I’ll still work in a round of GOF, but looking at my sticks from the last few days, yesterdays was positive (darker test line) and I’d now say that Wednesday’s was too (test line was as dark as reference.)  The one before, and the one today, were definitely negative. So, yay! We err, nailed it, pretty much. I’ll adjust my ticker accordingly, and start the 2WW. Looking at the calendar, I imagine I’ll test on the Saturday of Labor Day weekend, if I haven’t started by then.

Woohoo!

When I first got pregnant, it was cool, but even COOLER was that right away, two of my favorite internet people got pregnant, too.  It was so cool to be knocked up and squealing to Emma as she made her way up some congested freeway with her mom, "I can’t believe you are TOO! This is SO COOL."  And D, at bizarrogrrl was just a week behind me, and being of similar mind, I thought it would be cool to have her to compare to as well.  And then, poof, no longer pregnant.

I still really enjoy following along, though, and hearing their complaints and being really, totally, completely happy for them.  But recently, apparently, the bellies are starting to show. Emma wrote about it yesterday? the day before? and today, D posted a belly pic.  She is so pregnant, and she’s due a week after I was.  It’s weird, how I feel about it.  I’ve discussed the awkwardness of knowing I’m following along with both Emma and D, and how for me, it’s really not a sad thing. I’m NOT sad. Or angry, or jealous, or anything. It’s just…. surreal.  Especially with the picture. I could’ve been THAT pregnant by now, you know? Figuring out how to get a belly shot to show all y’all, and wearing new clothes, different clothes.  As it is, I’ve lost 15 or so pounds this summer, and I’m wearing last summer’s clothes most days. I don’t think I’ve bought anything new for clothes all summer, with the exception of a 3 pack of white v-neck tshirts last week.

Today, I went out to City Forest and didn’t do the bog walk, but stuck to the trails.  I don’t know how long I walked, maybe 45 minutes? But it felt good, and I was alone with my thoughts, and only saw three other people.  And I couldn’t help but wonder if I was pregnant this summer, would I have done that? And will I do it next summer? And is it weird to be working on losing a belly, while desperately hoping I grow one soon?

Regardless, Emma and D? You ladies are fabulous, and your babies are going to be phenomenally gifted by having you as their moms.  Carry those bellies with your head held high, because you are both amazing women that I admire.

Along the lines of "things I hear in my head that might amuse you" (Ie: "I had a miscarriage . . . .  OF JUSTICE!") whenever I see the OPKs start to darken up, I want to pump my fist into the air and belt out "Fertility NOW!" a la George Costanza. 

Anyway, the OPKs are darkening up rapidly, and at a much earlier than expected time.  I wasn’t even planning on starting to test until tomorrow, but other fertility signs led me to start yesterday — CDfucking 12, people.  It was negative yesterday, the same color as the control band today, and I’m now thinking I’ll ovulate in the next 2-3 days, not 5-7.  Pre-Synthroid, I ovulated NO earlier than CD 21-22, for the last several cycles, and last month I was early, ovulating on CD 19.  Hell, that two days was a victory to me.  But now, it’s looking like it might be almost. . . . textbook. WEIRD.  Coinciding with ovulation will be the Full Moon, which happens on Dave’s 30th birthday.  Cake and screwing people, so light a candle and make a wish.

Fertility NOW!

Backstory, which I guess I never mentioned here, but clipped from a thread on IM:

FINALLY, it turns out one of my husband’s friends found out sort of
accidentally that I was pregnant. he lives out of state, and was
visiting and called and made a general comment of "So, planning on
kids?" and dave said "Well, yeah, actually, there’s one on the way, but
don’t say anything just yet, it’s pretty early." He must have said
somethingto a local friend, though, because every time Dave talks to
the local guy (a wonderful person, used to be Dave’s boss, very much a
father figure to Dave and an unabashed family man himself) he’s asked
"So, any news for me? Any little ones on the way?" and Dave just says
‘no.’

I just in the last week found out that Dave has NEVER TOLD FRIEND 1
that I miscarried. It’s probably been the biggest, weirdest thing of
theis whole experience — I dread running into the local guy and having
him look at me and think I AM, or that Dave is lying, or something…
and as I told Dave, "as the one who miscarried, I am ASKING you to just
tell them what happened." he’s not sure how to bring it up in
conversation, though, so he hasn’t mentioned it. And he figures since
Friend 1 wasn’t supposed to say anything, (but so obviously did, since
he was at the local friend’s house when they had the initial convo) he
doesn’t need to tell people who ‘shouldn’t know’ anything.

I’m half tempted to email both of them and say "Yes, I was, but I’m not
now and so it wasn’t just a weird game of ‘telephone’ and you heard
wrong or anything…" Gah.

This is still bothering me.  I went out for a long drive with Andy last night, and talked about it, how I just hate that he never untold this guy.  At lunch today, I asked Dave if I could just email them, just so they KNOW, because it’s weird — for me — to have this unclosed story out there.  But, dave argued, "He doesn’t even live here, the next time we see him maybe you’ll be pregnant again."  He had a point, Aron lives in Michigan after all, and is moving to Jordan soon. So, whatever. But still. It bugged.

So, today Andy and I went to campus to do some paperwork (Yay- I get a free parking permit! Boo – my new MaineCard photo is ATROCIOUS. Yay! I get the 2k raise! Boo — the graduate school office HAS NO RECORD of my GA position. Yay! It’s all set, they’re faxing it over on Tuesday. WHew.) and get our campus fix.  After running between several buildings to get stuff signed and such, Andy swung into the e-mail lounge, this bank of apples that you stand at to chek your email or whatever — people who just need quick internet access, not a full lab. I follow him in and look to my left. No way. Nuh-uh.  I stand at a computer next to another guy, who looks familiar, and I say, nonchalantly…. "Aron?"

He lives in MICHIGAN, people. MICH.I.GAN. And he was checking his email in the basement of memorial union. What are the fucking ODDS? He was here because of the move to Jordan, he and his girlfriend drove his car here to leave with his mom (okay, he grew up here, increasing the odds) while they are gone.

We talked a bit, I met his (unbelievably hot, Go Aron!) girlfriend and nothing was mentioned of pregnancy or the like.  I told him to call dave, that we’d love to have them for dinner one night, and it was great to see him.  When we walked away, Andy asked "Was that … the guy you were talking about?" and I said "YEP."  "So, is that why you had your hands folded over your stomach the whole time?"  I didn’t realize I had, so maybe it was subconscious.

But still. FUCK that was weird.

Three in one day! Jeez louise!

So, even dave thinks I’m pregnant.  He was home for lunch and eating ramen, and I was cringing at the sound of the noodles sliding aganst each other.  He was stirring them up, and i was all "Oh, god, that’s disgusting, STOP!" and he looked at me and said "You’re totally pregnant, aren’t you?" Hm.

On the smell sensitivity:  I was at my folks’ house and sitting on the couch in the living room, and was overwhelmed by the smell of the forest.  I’d never smelled it that intensely, EVER, and it was freaking me out… until about 10 minutes later when I realized my cousin’s daughter had wedged a balsam fir pillow behind the couch cushions. Hee.

But seriously, the smell thing is strong right now.  In my archives, this happened before I tested, too.  Swimming, the lake smelled almost like mildew, or something.  The room has been painted for what, two weeks now? And when I went up to lay down after Dave left, oh yes, I’ve been sooo tired, I couldn’t rest comfortably because I could smell the paint.  ANd I just went grocery shopping…. and that was a trip and a half, smell wise.

It’s weird, last time, I was totally convinced I WASN’T, to the point that I was just waiting for my period so that I could call my doc and get the ball rolling on basic testing…. and today, this cycle, I am totally convinced that I AM, and it’s a matter of scheduling when to prove it. I feel a little like a moron, but there it is. I just feel like I totally AM knocked up. Sigh. I hate making myself vulnerable.

I am totally convinced that I am pregnant, and terrified to find out that I’m not.  I’ve been all "oh, whatever" about it this month, but as each day goes by, each HOUR, I think "I totally am."  I have so many symptoms that I had last time: breaking out, increased smell sensitivity, weird food issues, sensitive breasts, fatigue, peeing more, irritable, vivid birth and baby dreams, more emotionally sensitive in all directions….  but then I think, "Of course, now I’m on Synthroid, and maybe that has recalibrated my system, and now my PMS is different and more like pregnancy for me."

I am terrified that I am wrong.  I am worried about being embarrassed and ashamed to see one line, or blood on the paper, or having to buy another set of tests, just in case. (I have one that came with my OPKs that I’m hoarding, and I just don’t want to buy another box again.)  I thrive on being Right. I am always right.  I am smart, and if I don’t know the answer, I know how to look it up. And what if I’m Wrong about something as basic as THIS?  Especially when I had all that practice with the first pregnancy?  I should be an EXPERT at this, and I’m not.

It’s okay if I’m not, too. Really, it is.  Hell, it might be better if I’m not, this is a mid April EDD month, which is a month before the semester ends and 6 weeks before my GA spot concludes.  It’s not the best timing, but any month, really, can be turned into a bad month if you try hard enough. (And that’s assuming I carry to term, with no complications, as well.)  It’s not like this is the Perfect Cycle To Conceive In. It’s just the First Cycle I’ve Tried. Since, you know, the miscarriage.

I posted about it at IM, but this summer has seemingly been harder to deal with, miscarriage wise, than I expected.  When I found out I was pregnant, and did the calculations, i was so excited to see that the second tri would be spent over the summer, when I wouldn’t be working and i would be able to enjoy it fully. I was So. Excited.  I envisioned myself going to the pool, walking around the neighborhood, being hotter than usual but maybe convincing Dave we could have a window A/C unit.  I’m doing a lot of those things, but I’m not pregnant. 

The pool is the worst.  I’ve been, and I’ve enjoyed it, but I see so many pregnant women.  I look at them from behind my sunglasses and wonder which ones are due before I was, which are due after.  Would I be as big as her, in the black polka dotted suit? Or would I just look ambiguously pregnant?  Even if I was the latter, I would be able to talk to the really pregnant types who sit on the edge of the pool and dangle their legs in, or who stand under the mushroom to cool off.  I would probably be getting to know all those people, but because I miscarried, I probably never will.  Instead, I go alone, unpregnant, and sit on my towel and read.

Here’s the thing, I think: pregnancy and motherhood will give me common ground with women that I usually don’t have anything in common with.  I’m a computer geek, and a bookworm, and I could care less about my hair or what I’m wearing.   Nobody talks geek at the pool, especially not women. And the people with books are, well, reading and not talking.  I feel  weird just being at the pool alone, with no kids, no friends, no one else there.  There are  groups of moms and kids, and groups of kids and their friends, or teenagers with their boyfriends, or grandmothers with grandchildren — but there are very few adult women hanging out there alone.  I saw one, once, and I think I had classes with her and couldn’t remember if she was one that drove me nuts or not — so I didn’t say anything, figuring she was obviously not one that I really liked, since I couldn’t remember her name.

ANyway, the people with kids talk to each other. "How old is he?" etc, and the pregnant people talk and even if I was pregnant, I could go to the pool and have even a pool-friend. You know? I’m sort of excited to have permission to be part of something that is so uniquely… feminine, I guess.  I’m NOT a girly-girl, and never have been, but pregnancy isone of the most feminine things I’ve ever been a part of.  Maybe that’s why I shared it with so many of my (female, of course) colleagues.  I can’t necessarily relate to other women on an intellectual level (that sounds bad, but I don’t mean girls are stupid — just that it can be hard to find things to talk about, I guess.) that are in my local area.  Longtime readers who read in my undregrad days remember the absolute frustration I had with the edu students, and how totally moronic most of them were.  And there are lots of teachers (more every day as the smart ones go, "waaaaiiit a minute, this sucks") who never get smarter. ("Okay, I always forget, ‘rural and urban,’ urban is like, a city, right?" or thinking that water is always a noun, even in a sentence like "I need to water the plants.")

That’s why I love the internet so much.  I have been communicating with strangers online since 94, man, and I am good at it.  I know how to talk on the internet.  I know how to filter out the bs, and I don’t HAVE to talk to people I don’t like.  And hell, most of my internet friends are geeks too!  I’m not a social idiot; I’ve met 18, I think, Digsters (blanket term for people I only have known online, via messageboards or my/their blogs) and I don’t think that any of them would say I was socially inept… it’s just hard to find people with shared interests in a small town.

That’s why the sisterhood of the pregnant people is so appealing. Maybe I’ll meet some likeminded geek in my OB’s office, or at the pool, or in a conversation about strollers or something, and that would be cool. Until then, though, I’m the chick sitting alone, reading, trying to tell herself she’s really probably not pregnant and would she stop getting her hopes up already.

What a great weekend.  Easily one of the top five weekends at the lake.  The festival was meh, whatever — it’s mostly the same people every year, and most of the stuff is just Stuff.  Rustic decorations and all, which is not my style, and most of it is just stuff to look at, not to use. I love the Common Ground, held in the fall, because you can get stuff to USE — maple syrup and organic candles and stuff like that.  And the CGF has animals and demos, and most of the vendors from the Folk Art Festival are there too. ANyway.  That was overshadowed by the swimming in the lake, the boatride to a pancake breakfast on the shore at a friend’s house, the hydro-bikes and the lobster dinner and the celebration of the purchase of the Land Trust, and knowing that my grandkids grandkids will be able to see the same things I grew up with, because of my father (and a whole lot of other people).  That was cool.

I’m still in the 2WW, though, and just don’t know.  I’m trying to hold off to test until I’m late and have good strong boob pain (which is very noticeably different when I’m pregnant) but I figure I’m due on Wednesday.  I have some signs, sure — tired, peeing in the night, and boob pain that last night made it uncomfortable to stomach sleep — but not impossible.  Last time I could only stomach sleep with a scaffolding of pillows and elbows, and  last night all I needed was some creative breast arranging, but I still spent most of the night on my back or side.  I thought about testing today — but I woke up and felt crampy, so I figured I wouldn’t.  I could just imagine peeing on the stick and then wiping and seeing blood and then feeling foolish.  Tomorrow, my cousin and her daughter will be staying with us, so testing then would be weird (because how do I tell Dave with company here?) and Wednesday they leave (but will be here in the morning, etc).  So, Thursday is my goal. I am trying to wait until Thursday.

Sigh. THe waiting still sucks.

So, yeah.  I thought I would be better at this the second time around, but no. I’m not.  The only thing I KNOW from last time is that "your boobs don’t hurt until you can’t sleep on your stomach anymore." As an avowed stomach-sleeper, this hasn’t happened yet.  Of course, it didn’thappen until my 5th or 6th week last time (and one would find out at around 4 weeks.)  I am weirdly hungry at times, and I think some sense of smell is kicking in.  For instance, I REALLY NEEDED PRINGLES today. I RARELY eat chips, give me a chocolate bar anyday, but chips, meh — but today, I really craved them. And then I opened up the can and they smelled bleh. But I still ate a shitload, in a weird "ew these stink BUT ARE SO DELICIOUS" kind of way.

I was up late last night, waiting for my cousin to arrive. She did, safely, and I went to bed at around midnight.  I had to get up to pee — but I had also been drinking a lot of water.  I was up at around 8 am –early for me — and I showered after they left, around 10, and dozed off post-shower.  I had a Diet Coke, and am now ready to pass out again.  My insides are all weird (holy gassy), but I also know the thyroid med has helped with that, and so I’m not really looking to that region for any sort of symptom.

I’m just tired. And cranky. And hungry more often than not. And I have a week to go. Sigh.

I posted this on IM, but wanted to add it here, if even for my own reference.  And if you’ve been in my position, let me know what you think or whatever.  Here’s the basic question:

    If you had a miscarriage, and then conceived again, did the subsequent pregnancy make itself known earlier or stronger than the first?  I guess even if you’ve had two kids, it might apply…. I’m just really wigging out about my body right now, and, as usual, a bulleted list of Why.

• Lower abdominal cramping last night.  Implantation, maybe? Or something?
• Previously mentioned food aversion
• Smell sensitivity.  I went into the garage yesterday with dave and gagged at the smell.  I went to the trash bins to see just what the hell had leaked — old yogurt? or cat litter? and both bins were empty. Dave? Said I was nuts, there was no ‘weird smell’ at all.
• Stuffy Nose.  This I had sort of forgotten about. Okay, totally forgotten about.  This morning I woke myself up with a stuffy/sneezy nose and staggered to the bathroom to dry swallow a claritin.  I went back to bed, but it didn’t help.  I ended up taking a tylenor sinus pill on top of the claritin, and it was okay, but still stuffy.  While I was blowing my nose, AGAIN, I was surfing IM and reading my old posts from April, and saw this mentioned as one of my symptoms back THEN. Ummm, okay.
• Nipple itch.  This never really went away from last time, but it seems to be worse, maybe?
• TIRED.  Yes, I’ve been sleeping in — but not napping, and going to bed rather late.  And yes, I am always more tired after ovulation.  Today, though, I slept in until 10ish, hung out with Amy til 4:30 ish, and when she left I went upstairs and napped with the cat until just after 6.  I am up now because this is the first chance I’ve had to write it all down and do some research, but I am way tired, more than usual, for sure.
• Queasy — just a touch… I ate some Tums before leaving the house today with Amy, and even took the bottle.  The last time Tums lived in my car was uhh, in April.
• Zits — I have a bunch of new ones cropping up on my torso, like before.
• Also, I feel like my um, region, has a weirdass smell. Like before. In April.

So, yeah. THat’s what’s going on. I’m what, 5-6 dpo, so it’s so EARLY, but I feel like I’m either going crazy.. or not. I don’t know. Anyone? Bueller?

Man, almost 3DPO and ALREADY A FREAK.  I went to Portland last night and stayed with Amy, because i was going to visit Jezabel at her family’s camp today.  I left Amy’s at around 1, hungry as hell because I hadn’t eaten anything, and when I got to Jezabel’s camp, she and J were making burgers. YUM! I love burgers! I’m starving!  I ate half and was full. I felt a little like an ass, since I had said "yes, I’m starving, bring on the meat, yo!" and the burger was delish, the setting was perfect, the company extraordinary. And I could. Not. Finish. the damn burger!  And it reminded me of The One Time I Could Not Eat Both SLices of Leftover Pizza, which was the first real oddity of the last time I was up the duff.  So my head, never one to slow down, starts spinning and I really can’t eat the burger, or the chips, or anything except for glasses of water.  I just got home a while ago, and looked up the pizza incident, and that was at like, 12 dpo, not ‘almost 3 dpo." 

See, now that I have a RECORD of what happened the first time, it might even be WORSE than not knowing what to expect at all! Argh.