Hey! I got the monthly thing done ON her monthday. That never happens.

ANYWAY. A little blurb about breastfeeding:

Still going strong, here, still pumping, still loving it, no plans to wean.  The longer I nurse, though, the more plugged-in I feel to this secret society of nursing mamas, past and present.  One of Ingrid’s daycare teachers was CLEARLY a big BF’er, but I wonder of a non-nursing mama would pick up on that. It’s little comments — last week, at dropoff, there was A Stink, and she said "oh, it’s not Ingrid, she’s breastfed… that smell must be from a formula baby!" And to Dave, today "Once those big nursing cheeks thin out, she’ll look even MORE like you…" and when I had Ingrid doused in gentian violet for thrush (yeah, I’ve been dealing with itchy nipples, thinking it was from the eczema — remember last year’s cancer scare? — that I couldn’t treat because the ointment for that isn’t safe for nursing babies, and when it got worse with abx, LIGHTBULB! Ingrid’s asymptomatic, and I’m so used to itching… well, everywhere, I was just dealing with it. I may be the first person to ever be EXCITED to have thrush, because it meant I could TREAT it) anyway, the GV didn’t make her flinch at all.  And, there’s a look, I swear, that nursing mamas across the generations exchange.  Of Ingrid’s classmates, (granted, the young toddler room, and Ingrid is almost the youngest, there’s a new one that’s 3 days younger than her…)only 2 of the 12 are getting EBM, and I had totally pegged the other one (coincidentally, the 3days younger one) based on her cheeks. And again, the cheeks thing was pointed out to me by my grad school advisor, when I defended my portfolio with Ingrid in the room, I mentioned her big cheeks (she was 7mos then) and G said "Oh, yeah, those are the big breastmilk cheeks!" Now, I see what she means…

And? I’ve picked up on celebrity nursing habits. Jennifer Garner? Totally doing  the ‘extended nursing’ thing, when you read clips of her interviews at the Celebrity Baby Blog. And Gwen Stefani, whose baby was born around the same time Ingrid was, is still nursing.

I mean, feeding your baby is not a race, or a contest, or whatever. But I am so happy that it’s worked out for us, and it makes me happy when I see others for whom it’s worked out. I’ll be glad to stop pumping, only 42 more sessions, but who’s counting? but I’m in absolutely no rush to wean.

Last night, my sinuses started filling up, and I started to feel like general shit, so I went to bed early. When Ingrid woke to nurse, dave brought her in and left her with us, which was fine — I slept really well, actually. This morning, Dave and Ingrid were awake, and I was sort of half waking up and Ingrid made the ‘nurse’ sign. (or ‘milk,’ technically, but we say nurse when we make it) I was kind of "oh, I’m not awake enough to notice that, so it probably didn’t happen" when Dave said "did she just sign ‘nurse?’" OMG! The alert, empty sinused one noticed, too?! There you go. Ingrid made the nurse sign.

We also think she might be doing ‘more’ but it seems out of context. We only really use it when she’s eating in her highchair, but this morning, I did the "wanna get mama’s glasses?" routine, and she looked at the nightstand and possible signed ‘more.’ Or when she has toys, or we have toys… maybe it’s like ‘yes’ or ‘I want’ to her? In the last two days, it seems more deliberate than accidental collision of hands.

Waiting for an offer today, and I feel like shiiiiiit. I guess this is as good a time as any to feel like crap, but it means we’re missing storytime, which would probably have been my last one. 🙁 I’ve loved storytime. That makes me sad.

Daycare starts today. Since it’s the very first day for this daycare, ever, Ingrid and I are hanging back to let the working folks through. Or, that’s my excuse. Really, though, this was also the start of moving back our waking time, and I’ve never woken Ingrid up before (well, getting out of the car sometimes, but never from her night sleep) and she was actually pretty cheerful about it. We had a sort of rough night, where she woke up at 2:30 to not nurse, but to just talk to me for 10 minutes. It was weird. I staggered in, latched her on, and she looked up at me, popped off and sat up  and just babbled for a while, I gave her her paci and put her in bed, and boom, she was out. Maybe she had a cool dream?

Anyway, waking up at 7 (oh, I know, I know… we’re trying to roll back to 6 eventually) means that the house is much colder than it is when we get out of bed around 8:15. I got her dressed and tried breakfast for the first time (for her) which sort of added to the confusion of her morning. She ate some, squealed at the kitty, smiled at her daddy, and was in a good mood. I just put her down for a nap, when I was done getting ready she looked pretty bleary-eyed, and I figured it was better to take a well-rested baby to her first day of daycare than an "I need a nap, yesterday!" baby.

I have everything in a big Bean bag, her two crib sheets, backup clothes, diapers, wipes, diaper cream, empty bottles, sippy cup, paci, fuzzy blanket, snowsuit, blah blah blaaaaaah… she’ll be fine. I *KNOW* she’ll be fine.

While she’s there, I have a list of errands to run (so much easier to swap out a ub of used syringes at the vet if Ingrid isn’t with me), I’m going to get my updated, COMPLETE, transcripts from the uni, make copies of all of my reference letters and test scores and certifications, and swing by the super’s office to get the subbing application. Honestly, if I could get 4 days of subbing while I look for a real job, that would be great. I’d be picking up Ing by 3, making enough to pay for childcare +extra, and not locked in to a job, but able to scope out the local schools. THere are 2 within walking distance (well, really, technically they are ALL within walking distance) but two just two blocks away. They don’t interview for subbing, you just have letters of reference, a 4year degree (in anything), and your fingerprinting certificate, which I have. (Not only do I have all that, I have it in hand — I was sure tracking down the paperwork would be a nightmare, since I was So Done with teaching when I finished in 2005, but no, I at least saw through the disillusionment to put all that stuff in a folder, and in a filing cabinet!) I’ll check in with the temp agency, go to target, probably, come home to pump (the big boondoggle with subbing is trying to figure out pumping, not necessarily even enough to keep Ingrid in 100% EBM, but just to take the edge off and maintain supply, and schools have very few private spaces) and then pick up Ingrid from her daycare.

I am confident about the center — my SIL actually saw it featured on the news, and said she immediately thought "that sounds like a place Gretchen would love!" (the montessori/reggia/attachment influences) and thought it was beautiful too.  It’s going to Be Fine. Lightening the mental load considerably would be word of A Job, though.

Oh, and? Dave and I drove through the Honda lot yesterday, and I loooooove the 07 CR-V, even after seeing it in person, so that’s on deck for…. next year. We just need to keep the outback going til then (and then that makes our goal of one-car-payment-at-a-time more doable, too, since Dave’s car will be paid off in a little over a year.) It’s pretty sweet, and I don’t like the older models for a few reasons, sort of more truck-like, and I really don’t like those rear mounted tires, which the older models have. And, 2007 Hondas have 3 sets of LATCH in the back, finally adding center LATCH, which pleases the car-seat nut in me to no end.

Alright. Daycare. Right.

Today we had our daycare meeting, an orientation and tour with the teachers Ingrid will have. I have to say, I feel really, really good about this place. On paper, it looks great, of course, and everything in there is brand new, which makes its own impression, but even more, the teachers seemed to be really nice. They were personable, and professional, both with bachelor’s degrees in ECE — one a fairly recent grad, from what I could tell, and the other was probably in her 40s. The room that Ingrid will be in is huge, easily more square footage than the infant and toddlers had put together at the uni. Because of the supply/demand, she’s actually the youngest baby in the Toddler 1 room, for 11-18 month olds, but the infant room (6w-11mo) had so much demand, and the Toddler 1 so little, they wiggled the dividing line to accomodate as many people as possible as they got started. Ingrid is one of 5 kids, the oldest 13mos, in the ‘Toddler 1’ room, with 2 teachers. (HELL of a ratio there, 2:5! and as that room fills, they’ll hire to keep the ratio at 1:4) At the university, the infant room was for 6w-18months, and that’s quite a span… Of course, Ingrid will be the little sitting buddha of the Toddler room, since she firmly believes that crawling is for pussies.  The room itself is bright and cheerful, with 2 little toddler height sinks, and wooden furniture, wooden play kitchen, a foam crawling area, books, puzzles, dolls, bead paths…. just really, really warm feeling. They have a no-shoes policy, another thing I like that the uni didn’t have, where adults take off their shoes before going in (as do the kids, I imagine) so that they don’t eat rocks and dirt and stuff, since kids of that age spend a lot of time on the floor.

My other big concern was about pumping and breastmilk storage — the paperwork said that bottles had to be prepared by us, not the staff, which would mean having to estimate how much she’d eat, blah blah blah… whereas at the uni, I just kept frozen EBM in the freezer, and they used it as necessary, which really cut down on waste. Unless you’ve pumped yourself, you have no idea how horrible the concept of "waste" is in this scenario. Anyway, they are totally cool with frozen bags of EBM, and really, it’s just for the next 4 months anyway, and I’m not opposed to supplementing if I have to. I want to nurse as long as Ingrid wants to, but the general rule is that one doesn’t need to pump after a year, and that would be cool, as pumping blows, and a lot of my internet people have followed that same path with great success.  They also provide snacks (fruit, cheerios, etc) and when she’s older, they’ll provide organic, vegetarian lunches. Good lord, the girl will eat better there than at home.

Today, it was snowing like mad, which made the location really stand out as a strong point. It’s less than a mile from our house (and if the director can get them to re-connect their entrance street to the business park road, that would probably cut our drive to less than .5 mile) and if I don’t work for an organization with snow days (highly likely) that means we have to get her to daycare anyway, and the less time that Ingrid is on a crappy road, the better, IMO.

And, the icing on the cake? because she’s a ‘toddler,’ we pay the toddler rate — NOT the infant rate, which is $15 dollars more a week. Yeah, it’s fifteen bucks, but every penny counts. Now I just need a Damn. Job.  At least I feel totally confident in our childcare choice now, it all looked good on paper, but you never know, you know?  They have a great facility — totally renovated, great playground, an activity room for gymnastics lessons (SHUT UP, AMY :P) and a kitchen for the kids to learn to cook (probably when they are a littler uh, older than Ingrid) and kid-size everything, which is really cool.  It makes the whole prospect of going back to work so much more manageable for me.  Not working is Not an Option, and to have a good daycare is so, so, sooooo great.

Now, send some job juju my way, wouldja?

Because it just doesn’t get any better:

Baby’s first ER visit!

Thismorning, about 630, I was like "hmm, Ingrid seems really hot, get the thermometer…" the temporal registered 101.6, so I gave her some motrin and we tucked back into bed. I gave her some Tylenol a few hours later, and then Motrin at noon, and we went to lunch with Debbie and came home and she napped and Dave was home, and so when she woke up, I nursed her and went upstairs with the EW Year in Review issue. I didn’t get far, when dave was like "Ingrid’s acting… weird."  I went down, and she was trembling, her hands were turning purplish, and she just looked Not Right. Aaaaannnd, of course this was 2 minutes after the ped’s office closed (no shit, 2 minutes) so I called Andy’s mom, who was a nurse for years, including in the urgent care clinic, and said "is this cool?" She basically said "it might be the fever coming back, but if you’re worried, take her in," sort of validating that I wasn’t being a nervous nellie. So, off we go….

By the time we get to the ER, the quaking is gone, and her hands are pink again, but she spikes a 103.9 fever, and the triage nurse jacks her up on tylenol suppositories and sends us back to the waiting room, where we choose a spot far, far away from anyone with a wastebasket at their feet. (*shudder*) She’s a little furnace, and snuggles on me for a while, takes a nap, they check her temp after about an hour and it’s at 101.7, so we go back to the waiting room.  When we did get seen, the PAC said that probably what we saw was ‘viremia,’ which googling only brings up weird shit in rats or really awful shit in humans, but his explanation was that if she has a virus, the cells build up and then explode into the body at once, and that big blast can spike the fever, cause the shaking, etc. It wasn’t a seizure (and I was sure of that from the get-go) but basically like a bad case of the chills, infant-style. He checked her ears and all of that, rechecked her temp a few times, and sent us home with the staggered Motrin/Tylenol routine, some saline for her nose, a rectal thermometer, and pedialyte in case she gets pukey. (Note on the rectal: when I was having her, we were always checked with a temporal or ear thermometer when they did vitals, so I figured our temporal was great, but the triage nurse guy was a nicu nurse before, and said that those thermometers are all crap, that it all has to do with hospitals getting bonuses for using them on the floor, and it’s all marketing and the good nurses and docs will only do rectal temps on an infant, because it’s the only accurate one. He then showed Dave how to do it — like cord care, Dave can have ass care, too — and sent us home with one. I’m not tossing my temporal, because I think it’s good for adults, and probably bigger kids it’s okay, too, but butt temps will be dave’s new area of expertise. Ingrid is not that thrilled.)

We came home and gave her motrin and put her in bed, but GODDAMN, ER visits blow. AND, the whole time we’re at the ER, we’re brainstorming what that means for This Weekend, because — rightly so — Dave doesn’t want to be alone wiht Ingrid in the willywags, an hour from the nearest hospital (which is one my parents refuse to go to because of the notoriously bad care) while I’m being Grieving Cousin.  On top of logistics, Explaining to Grammie is discussed, too, which actually ended up being moot — my mom was like "Oh, no, don’t come tomorrow! Don’t feel bad about going to the ER, if you think something is wrong, YOU TAKE HER TO THE ER, blah blah." So, NOW what will happen is that none of us will go to the visitation hours, but we’ll all go up on Sunday for the funeral, and for the family gathering at his house after.  I fulfill my duty (and I want to be there for my aunt and his kids, too, of course) and it gives my visiting relatives a chance to meet Ingrid (which they’ve expressed excitement about, this isn’t me using a funeral to show off my kid) and by not making it an overnight, that makes everything easier.

I watched the ‘tribute video,’ a slideshow the funeral home puts together and shows at the visiting hours and online, and good lord, did I cry. THose pooooor fucking kids. Just breaks my heart. Sigh.

I posted this in my family blog, but I thought folks might appreciate it here, as well. We were working on a photo for a new year’s card, and these are the pictures we didn’t use. (There’s music, fyi.) Requires quicktime but is a small file as it’s just a slideshow. Also features the advent of Ingrid’s FakeAss Smile. Sigh.

Ingrid’s Outtakes

In other news, my cousin IMed me for help with his resume. He’s 23, had one job, which was working for my dad, and is just finishing a photography degree. He also has a bad case of Thesaurus.  On the one hand, it made me feel much better about my own resume to see a really… ungood one, and I cleaned up my cousin’s really well, but being him, and 23, I wonder if he used any of my revisions. For instance, I eliminated the sections of "Objective" and "Interests" because they said this, respectively:

My mission is to earn a challenging
position utilizing my exceptional communication, technological, and
listening skills to assist customers with any tribulations that might
arise.

and…

Mountain Climbing, Back
Packing, White Water Rafting, Swimming, Cooking, Fine Wine, Photography,
Mentoring, Fishing, Science, Anthropology, Archaeology, Landscaping,
History, Discovery, Travel, Adventure.

And for the one job he did have, working with my dad, well.. um, okay, well I wouldn’t exactly describe it as this:

   

Served as business facilitator
providing office clerical requirements, photographic laboratory and
service output responsibilities, as well as daily client interface requirements
throughout the business service spectrum. 

… and neither would my dad.

But, he’s young, and my resume at 23 probably sucked, too.

Daycare went fine. I was nervous (who the fuck WOULDN’T BE?) but she did fine. The head teacher was there, who I hadn’t met before as she’d been out for a few days, and talking with her was very reassuring — none of this "oh, wow, you should let her stay up longer and she’ll sleep longer" crap, which, for the average baby, is exactly crap. It’s certainly crap for my kid, who has a 2-2.5 hour rotation of sleep/eat/play. I was nervous that my position of being the World’s Greatest Expert on Ingrid would be challenged, from sleep to how much EBM she eats, to the fact that we still use newborn nipples to keep bottle preferences at bay. 

I went to school, and got some work done (eventually, lots of FTP WTF?! that led me to entirely scrap a subdomain and start new) and focused on that to avoid worrying about Ingrid, and oy, I totally forgot to eat, drink or — gasp! — pump. At 2:30, I realized this, and found a closet to pump in, but no food or water for 6 hours meant that I only got 2 oz… and then I went and picked up Ingrid.

When I got there, she was about waist deep in blocks and a dump truck, cooing away, and when I walked in and said "IIIInnnggrrriidd!!!" she beamed at me. The head teacher said "You weren’t kidding about her being like clockwork!" which made me think "NO SHIT!" and also "THANKGOD." They’d also moved her crib to the darker, quieter side of the room, and she’d napped fine over there. I think they really heard my concern about her being asked to sleep in the playroom skybox suite with babies! right! there!, and hey, she slept great, so that’s cool.

Of course, we also got offered a spot at the new center around the corner, where we want to eventually end up. But that is all kinds of confusing; I got an email saying she was enrolled in the young toddler program, 11-18 months, but the center opens in January when she’ll turn 8 months. I emailed* the director back to say that I thought it was in error, and then got another mass email with a ‘clarification on infant/young toddler slots’ which said that to try to accomodate everyone as they open, they adjusted the range on young toddlers to 9-18 months, but… still, Ingrid is only going to TURN 8 months in January. I do really like the infant/young toddler split, though — the regulations classify 0-18 months as infant, with specific rules, like setting their own schedule, crib naps, held for feedings, etc… and most places have a 0-18 room. The uni does, actually, and hanging out there, the 17 month old in the program is really wanting to play with the 19-30 month olds next door.  And, IIRC, the young toddler program at this new center is a step down in cost from infant care, so it would be infant care for a little less money. AND, if I were to get this job at the library, we could AFFORD it, which is key. So, now there’s a matrix of job/childcare that I have to interpret:

Get library job –> enroll at local center
Don’t get library job –> waitlist at local center
No day job—> work part-time nights, continue to look for worth-it job during the day, and hope that stars align for employment and childcare at the same time

A worth-it job is one that pays enough to make it profitable (after childcare) and is a job I’d WANT to spend time at. So, working at Dress Barn is not a worth-it job to me. Working at the library is.  Working p/t at night is straight profit, but takes away from time with Dave, mostly, since Ingrid is asleep by 7.

Either way, I’m going to fill out the paperwork and give a deposit to local center, since it’s applied to future tuition, and I figure I’ll have a better read on the worth-it job situation by the time it opens, in late January.  Commuting the uni daycare if I work in town will be a huge expensive pita — it’s at least 20 minutes between here and there, so it would be 20 minutes up and back in the am, and again in the pm, and with the price of gas, oy. (If a worth-it job turned up on campus, than that would be moot….)

Anyway, so much to think about! Argh.

*I totally love that the new center uses email. My cell phone is completely unreliable, so I asked the uni to email me if there was an emergency, because I’m a thousand times easier to reach that way, but they don’t have a computer at the center. As it stands, if I don’t answer my cell, then they call dave, hope they reach him, and he IMs me. Sigh.

Even knowing that I have A Plan to finish my degree, and not yet BEING finished, I still feel like a weight has shifted.  In fact, as part of the "this is fated" childcare situation, my advisor emailed me on Friday to check in. I responded, explained the "I’m so not done, but now I have a PLAN!" situation, and she responded to ME to say that I am not the only one in This Situation (her caps) but that I seem "poised to finish ahead of anyone else…" Damn, I’m freaking out and none of my practcium-mates are as far as me?!? And they don’t even have BABIES!!! So, I feel really good about that.

I’ve also been working to cook more Real Food, instead of bag dinners and the ol’ standbys, so I made a menu for the week. A MENU! And I went grocery shopping while Dave took ingrid to MILs for a visit, which is awesome IN AND OF ITSELF, as it was their first time flying solo and everyone did well. Anyway. I made a plan! for the WEEK! And bought three types of meat that I’d never tried before. Tilapia (which we ate tonight — yum! We like!) pork tenderloin, and kielbasa. I know. I’m so pathetic. Tomorrow is the pork tenderloin, the kielbasa is for a chicken and sausage crockpot stew for wednesday.

When I got home, Dave had to race to Tom’s to shoot, so Ingrid and I made cookies. Baking with my mom is one of my most favorite memories, and Ingrid sat in the highchair while I read her the ingredients and explained all the steps. She blew raspberries at me, mostly, or cooed and ‘talked’ to me while I mixed, but it was just, awesome. I’m so glad we have the peninsular countertop, and that Ingrid CAN be part of the action, already. And when she’s big enough to stand on a chair, she can do that, too, without worry of bumping her head on a cupboard or falling into terrible danger or whatever while we cook. (Also, Ijust saw photos of Miss O cooking with her mama, and was so excited to realize that Ingrid at the counter is really not as far off as I first thought!)

Anyway. Today? I felt like I CAN DO THIS. I will finish my degree. I willbake cookies with my daughter. I CAN DO THIS.

We went and visited the center, and I don’ think it’s the one that Scary Dragon goes to ;), but the caregivers seemed really nice, which is important. They also shoot for a 1:3 ratio, instead of the 1:4 regulated ratio, and they also have students in there, and I’m all about the hands-on learning environments, so that’s cool, too.  Ingrid beamed at all the caregivers, and was craningher neck to see the babies, and I recognized one baby as being the one I always see in a Mei Tai around town (and whose mama and I have talked in a Babywearers, Unite! kind of way).   I also explained that I’m kind of not a student, technically, anymore, but the director totally understood the situation and said it wasn’t a problem and that I’d still count. But, after December, I’d have 3 months to be affiliated with the uni in some way (job or student) if I wanted to stay there. So, I don’t feel so bad about wanting this for short-term, since it’s highly likely I’d be short-term under THEIR rules, anyway.

Everything seemed very fated — I also had email from my advisor, checking in, plus that I even GOT this voicemail is BEYOND miraculous. Truly. But still… $125 is a lot for us, to add as a weekly expense, so I’ve been trying to figure that out.

Then, my mom called. "Since we bought Kate’s plane ticket home, we’d like to buy you three weeks of childcare, so that you can get this DONE." Decision? MADE.  Of course, Dave is working late tonight (hockey game) so I KNOW he’s freaking out about money, and has been since I left to see the center and he went back to work. Truly, though, 3 weeks will get me done with school, at the very least, and into the busy season, where if I want to keep her there, then we can afford to take over the payment part. I totally cried. I’m such a pussy.

$125 a week is better than $165, for sure, but it’s STILL HUGE for us, right now. Especially since it would be putting out cash and not bringing IN any for the time out. But, it’s an investment, it’s an investment, I just need to FINISH. FIN. ISH.  And that is looking more and more like a good possibility. I cannot WAIT to get that light blue fucking hood, thank you very damn much. (OKay, the hood won’t come til May, but the PAPER will be here very. very. soon.)

Well, so, now what!?

My cell phone has sucked for months. MONTHS. It goes from 5 bars to none, and I cannot even TELL you the last time I successfully had a phone call, not even to voice mail. I need to cancel it, so I charged it up and decided to see if it worked at all, and managed to (miraculously, seriously) connect to the voice mail, where there were 11 messages for the chick who had my number last, apparently (collection agency or something) and ONE from the uni childcare center. From YESTERDAY. They have a slot.

It’s $125/week, but it’s on campus, essentially, and the farthest flung of all we’ve applied to. If we don’t take it, we get  bumped to the bottom of the list, which if you remember, I signed up on THIS list over a year ago, and I think I may technically not even be allowed on the priority list, since technically I’m not a student anymore. But whatever, I’m still finishing my degree, so let’snot get too deep into semantics.

Since this call, there’s been a flurry of email and phone calls: Dave is worried about the expense, BUT, if I have childcare in the daytime towork on shit, that means I can take more shifts at night, AND they say that it’s going to be all the work you want in a few weeks. My parents think that I should do it, if even for two weeks, just to get school DONE, and then my dad called back to remind me that anything I pay in childcare can be deducted on my taxes, so to consider the tax benefit as well. And, while it IS the farthest away from our house, I can work on campus, get shit done, and not have the commute be doubled (by then going home, or to a ‘job’ that is ‘someplace else.’) At this point, Dave wouldn’t ever have to pick her up or drop her off, so that’s not a concern. it would be more of one if we both were working here, and childcare was way the hell up THERE.  Also, Ingrid’s Scary Dragon Friend goes to one of the 2 infant programs up there (and now I’m dying to know WHICH ONE: N, this opening is at infant/toddler in the UP housing) and I’ve heard good things from them.

Argh. Now I need to call, to meet the program director to tour the place. But, Internet, is it stupid to take the slot, even though I might cancel the arrangement in a month or so, and use it only part time?