Figuring out the thyroid thing, way back on Ought Five, was HUGE for me. I kept it in good check for a long time, it got wonky again basically when I stopped waking up at night to nurse Ingrid and I started missing pills, but I've made a really concerted effort in the last few months to get my pill in, every day. I have taken to eating breakfast at work, so that it goes down on an empty stomach, and I keep a few pills at work in case I forget to pop one before I leave the house. Still, though, I've been feeling crappier and crappier. I had my TSH tested about 6 weeks ago, and it was above 2, but I figured I'd just wait til I saw my doc at my annual appointment to discuss it. That was last week, and I had my blood drawn today for another check, and I'm really interested to see what the number is. I mean, I was ready to take a nap while doing my group power class, tonight, just bone tired. That along with my skin drying up, my hair falling out more and graying more, GI issues, etc… man, I really hope a tweak of my meds helps.

Anyway, in other news, driving home from the Y, I heard about Obama's grandmother and almost cried. What a sad way to spend the day before the election. I really hope she read 538.com.

Today was my annual visit with my OB/GYN, whom I love to bits and pieces. She is great. I was especially kind of excited about this visit as I wanted to ask about the logistics of TTC in the spring, which is kind of dumb, to be excited to make plans, but what can I say. I am.

Before I got called in, I asked to speak to the billing department, to see what kind of elections I should take for my FSA for 2009 and 2010, assuming Operation Big Sister goes as planned. I am so… well, this:

Office lady: Okay, now just give me your insurance card so I can scan it in and see what your plan offers.

Gretchen: Yeah, it'll be all new to me because last time, my insurance switched halfway through and it was mostly okay, but some was a pain…

Office Lady: Oh, here, I better give you your card back before I forget, because I forget ALL the time. I end up at my own doctor looking through a stack of insurance cards, "let's see, today I'm……"

Gretchen: So like a serial killer, these are your souvenirs?

Office lady: Did you just compare me to a serial killer?

Gretchen: "Oh, Aetna, I remember this one, this one fought back HARD."

Office Lady at the back desk: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

(I should add that it was all in good humor, because everyone affiliated with my Ob/Gyn practice is awesomer than a pile of Obamas, for REAL.)

My doc was awesome, totally on deck with all the right things — get the thyroid stable (it'd crept up at my last check a few months ago, but I was waiting for this appointment to ask about it, since I am not currently trying to get or stay pregnant), call as soon as a positive HPT arrives for betas and progesterone and thyroid checks, and if I want, just go straight to progesterone suppositories this time if I want to, for piece of mind. All the right stuff. I also asked when my Mirena should be pulled in relation to when I'd want to start trying, and in her sweet little Italian accent, she says "you pull it today? You could conceive tomorrow. Very quick." I'm thinking May, I'll go in for a removal and then work in some boots-knocking to our schedules, as I really, really, am ready for another baby.

So is Ingrid. FYI — she's started calling all of her baby dolls "Stister." Totally having the desired effect on her daddy, too. 🙂

Tonight, I had my first bellydancing class. Middle Eastern Dance, specifically, but it's marketed as bellydance, who knows, maybe because of the terrorists? Anyway.

A year of Group Power, confronting the Fear of the Elliptical (and other fitness equipment) and I'm stronger, I'm pretty sure, but still, well, fat. And so, I'm adding to the repertoire, and what better way than to confront my weird freaking issues than by challenging myself with something like BELLYDANCING. When I was teaching in public school, we had a culture day, and a bellydance teacher was there, and I did the little 45 minute class with my kids and was pretty intrigued. I looked at it again, last year, when looking to do SOME type of group physical activity, but chose the Y instead. But now, the Y offers bellydancing. I worked it into my schedule.

It was okay. The first day and all, and just three students, but it brought up again how really disconnected I am from my body. Old drum, but I'll beat it again: I feel like a floating head 99% of the time, and am just not aware of my body. I saw pics of myself from the river cruise this weekend, and was like "oh my god, I'm such a fucking FATASS!" but then the same person that posted the pics started grad school this week, and taking three classes and working full time, and told *ME* how I was amazing for doing all that while pregnant, even! Because, you know, I'm The Smart One. Not the dancer, or weightlifter, or athlete, or Y member.

But the bellydancing class was right after a Group Groove class (a part of the whole Group X stuff that BTS does, with dance, for cardio) and my two GP instructors were in that — one was teaching, one was taking it, and two of the GG members were in GP, too, and there was this whole conversation of The Regulars & Their Instructors and I was part of it. That is so fucked up and bizarre to me! I Go To The Y.

(I mean, I've only been once in the last two weeks on account of the vertigo, and then there were no classes last week, but I've gone enough that I am a regular now… which is weird.)

I also am thinking about setting some goal of doing "the loop" (it's a mile to walk the perimeter of our neighborhood) with Ingrid every day, rain or shine. Our stroller(s) came with rain covers, and I have a footmuff, so it's not entirely undoable, and especially with a sturdy 2.5 year old this winter, I wouldn't be as skitchy about the cold weather. Oh, and I could leave the stroller permanently weatherized in the garage, since I have a volo for the car now…) That, and that I'd like to do charity walks, too. I think I'm going to start with Race for the Cure, this month, again with Ing in the stroller, just to Start and Do It. I love the idea of C25K, but I'm really, really apprehensive about running, and all the…. jiggling. And not just of my boobs, but of my belly as well. I don't know, it's always ticking away in the back of my mind, so maybe someday…

Basically, I want to be Stronger and I wouldn't mind being Less Fat. Hopefully I can get it all put together soon. But seriously, BELLYDANCING! ME! So weird.

I have a bike. I got it when I was 15 (so, um, 18 years ago?) and it was  really good mountain bike at the time (and probably still is?) I rode it a lot when I was in high school, and then not much after. The last time  really rode it, my pants caught in the chain and I went head first into a ditch and that sucked, and honestly, made me really wary of the whole idea ever since. I’ve basically been a non-cyclist in my adult life.

Anyway, I saw mention of this bike called a “townie,” and started reading about it and was completely entranced. A bike for non-cyclists! A comfy seat! Not all hunched over with weird balancing!  And now, I totally want one. Dave has a bike, but rarely rides because he can never find someone to ride with, and we’ve often talked about having family bike rides, but, you know, it freaks me out. (One description of the Electra Townie, on their website!, was that it was made to help people conquer their fear. Dang.)

I’m not going to buy one right now, but it’s on my radar. My sister, it turns out, has moved to the comfort cruiser bike style, and she recommended hers — a Trek Wasabi.

The bike that made me realize these even existed is the Electra Townie, which comes in Orange, which I realize should not be a deciding factor. LLBean carries the Townie, in the most boring champagne color, but the outlet often has bikes (and has a men’s townie right now) and sales, so it could be a cheaper way to get one. Already checked craigslist and unclehenrys, and nothing is there.

Dave thinks it’s kind of geeky/old lady, but, you know what? I AM a geek! I am closer to old lady than road racer/Moab-bound cyclist, for SURE. Any biking would be around town, maybe on the carriage trails or city forest, you know? Whatev, celebrate the old lady!

Anyone have any experience with these bikes? I thought about going to work on one, but there’s this one hill that has me a little scared of that (14th street) and going to the gym would be an easy get-there, but harder getting back, I think (have to try though, but straight up Hammond, for anyone who is familiar with the area).

Ahh, yes. I’m back to counting points. I mean POINTS(TM).

It’s cool though — I’ve been doing really well with the exercise — Group Power 2x a week, 35 min on the elliptical 2x a week (was 3x before the weather turned nice) and since the weather turned nice, I’m getting a good 20-30 min walk in during work, at least 3 days a week, and taking Ingrid for walks, too. But I’m still hovering around my post-miscarriage, pre-pregnancy, post-weaning weight, so I signed up for WW online.

I’m also trying to get my thyroid pill in every day. When I was TTC & TTSP (Trying To Stay Pregnant), it was easier, there was more motivation, etc. And through much of Ing’s first year, I got it in, because I’d accustomed to taking it in the middle of the night when I woke to pee (pregnant) or nurse. I really fell off the wagon when I was able to pretty much sleep-nurse, and I feel a difference, so I’m trying harder with that.

Anyway, I’d done really well with WW before, and I know the system, and I love the online tools. I had tried SparkPeople, but calories/fat/blah overwhelms me a little bit, and WW is like comfy Danskos for me — I know it works, it is familiar, and looks great with dresses. (HAH! Just Kidding. That one was for my girl, Jeanne, whose mission it is to rid the world of AWESOME CLOGS.)

Three months = $65, so I’ll reevaluate in 3 months and see where I am.

Haven’t posted in this category in a while…

Anyway.

Group Power is still making me happy, but the Get Fit (step) class that I’m trying this semester is NOT. It’s mostly me being one step (or more) behind everyone else, trying desperately NOT TO TRIP. There is no fun. The one positive is that it’s made it clear the effect the GP is having on my fitness level — the weight section of get fit is totally pussy compared to GP. So, my next step is to …..

Brave The Machines.

That’s right.

My Y has this program for its members, called "Personalized Exercise Program – PEP!" and it’s advertised ALL OVER their materials as such.  So, I called today and said "yes, I’d like to talk to someone about the PEP program?" and the staffer I got was like "What? the WHAT program?" so I said "Pep? Personlized Exercise program?" And the dude goes "OHHHHH, PEE EEE PEE, okay…" and goes on to give me some info. WTF?? Why would you abbreviate it to a one-syllable word and not USE IT? It’s not like it forms a bad word or something…. and really, no one ELSE has ever made the grievous error of saying PEP instead of Pee Eee Pee? Whatev.

Anyway, I picked up the paper after group power tonight, and am going to fill it in and take it back, and try to get in next week if I can, since group classes are on break, and I’d like to beat the rush of resolutioners.  It’s stupid, as I’ve discussed with Jeanne, if the elliptical machine was a new photo editing tool, I’d have mastered it by now, but the technology of a fitness machine has me petrified. Ugh. I just don’t want to screw stuff up! (I sound like every old person, ever.)

Related, I have now moved from annual haircut by whoever at airport mall salon to having A Stylist. She did such a good job a few months ago, that I’ve decided to get my hair cut every two months, so I went in tonight. In addition to Totally Getting My Hair, she’s wicked fun to talk to, which all made sense at the end when it came up that she’s been hanging out with Andy. Ahhh. Small world.

Its not so much a resolution, but I just hope that in a year, I’m feeling more confident about my outward being than I do, currently. My insides are great — good brain, good heart — its the outer realm that fucks me over so much, and I am feeling like I’m moving towards improving that, one step at a time. For instance, an epiphany I had when i was feeling guilt about going to these fitness classes while Ingrid is awake, is that I would feel much less guilty if it were an academic class… but a class to improve my physical health is just as important as one to improve my brain.

Right?

My Y classes started this week. Now, in the past, my two major anxieties about Organized Fitness have been a) being around the SuperFit and b) having to do some sort of routine set to music, everyone moves in unison thing. You know, aside from the general "I’m a much better reader than exerciser, omg, don’t look at my big fat reading ass!" crap. In the past, that’s been okay — the YW and the YM were separate entities, and I always did the YW (even when I was literally 2 houses away from the YM!) because I’d heard that it was a much more um, reader-friendly facility. (Allegedly, the YM had hot tubs in their locker rooms for the purpose of the SuperFit to hook up and make a date for the SuperBounty or something…) So, the YW classes I took — yoga and pilates, and the prenatal stuff — were generally some senior citizens, some Moms, a token divorcee working on re-hottifying herself, and me. Basically, pretty safe. Especially yoga, god, that was awesome, we basically did that in the DARK, no joke. Perfect for the body anxious participant.

My first class was yesterday, at the YM building (the YM and YW are now the same organization, just known as "The Y") and I walked in and was first struck by — OMG, DUDES. Now one was a retiree, but there were two others who were probably my age, or even younger, and that was just weird. Not because I’m trying to pick anyone up, but just because  . . . I don’t know. Maybe because mixed-sex fitness classes strike a little too close to every gym class I ever suffered through? That probably has something to do with it. On top of the DUDES! It was packed, and I felt all discombobulated because, first class, you know? ANd most people ahve been going for a while and I didn’t know I was supposed to bring my own mat, and it was the first time I’d really done any yoga or pilates in a really, really long time and there were frigging MIRRORS and shit. But? Amazingly? I survived. ANd wasn’t even that freaked out. Wild.

Tonight was the other class I was interested in, Group Power, a group weights class. I don’t know, I was expecting dumbbells and some slow, quiet, measured type of fitness. Oh no. This is barbell stuff set to music like, oh, "SEXY BACK!" And dancy! And Move In Unison-y! AND! ANNND! The instructor had me set up right in front of her, thus, right in fornt of the whole class, AND in front of the mirror. So I could totally see that about 80 percent of the time, I was one beat behind everyone else. (On the other hand, it was a much more YW demographic, no dudes, and lots of old people.) Again, I totally survived. INSANE. I felt like jelly legs, and well, jelly arms, when I left, and I was on the wimpy weights for arms (5kilos) and medium for legs (10kilos? I have no idea, actually) but I did it, and it was fine. In fact! I was facing this other chick who was in the yoga/pilates class the night before, and I think we’re probably in the same situation, unless childless divorcees dig on Pooh window screens, and since I was facing her, I totally recognized the deep concentration of trying to align with everyone around you, and that totally made me feel like a normal person.

Both classes, I didn’t do every single move, but I’d say I did about 80-85% of each class, and hey, that little educator in me likes a baseline that isn’t perfect, because when this session ends in December, hopefully, I’ll be doing more, better. Right? Either way, I’m feeling good about both, about how both of my biggest FItness Fears have been faced head-on, and it’s totally going to be okay, and even being away from Ingrid  has been okay, too.

And, I got a raise today! Just a COLA, but I went right into my ING autosavings, and tripled my deposit amount, because I’d rather save it than spend it, and if I haven’t needed it so far, then woot! More savings. Good day. Things moving in the right direction, for sure.

We are now a Y family. (Well, Ingrid and I are, because it’s cheaper to do two separate than the family one for our needs.)  Ingrid will do swim lessons on Saturdays with Dave, and I had planned on doing a weight class that day, along with everydamnbody else, so maybe I’ll do the elliptical or something. Might even be easier, since the weight class is at one building, and the swim class at another a few blocks away. Anyway. I am registered for one night of Yoga/Pilates Mix, and one night of the weight class, which is actually kind of cool, that you can now sign up for individual nights instead of different times — instead of always being in the 640-740 class, for instance, I can do one night at 6:40 and one at 5:30, or mix up what I do…. all good. I’m feeling pretty good about it.

Aside from that, it’s been odd — we live in Mayberry, truly, right down to the picket fence and the friendly neighbors, but last night, a few houses down, there was a home invasion. The old couple that lives there (the ones we know as "the dog feeders" as they take dog treats on their daily walks to feed the pups they come across) went next door to give their ill neighbor some soup (seriously, MAY. BERRY.) and weren’t gone for more than a few minutes, but when they got home, they heard someone upstairs, and zoom — a guy came barrelling down the stairs and out the front door.  My parents were here last night,and when they arrived, they saw the police cars, but Ifigured it was maybe a noise complaint or baseball through a window or something, until our neighbor came by to give us the scoop and tell us to lock up tight.

We do, anyway, though now we’ve locked the deadbolt and our cars, and locked our screen door when the front one is open. Seriously, while our neighbors were getting robbed, Dave was in the backyard pushing Ing in the swing, and I was upstairs folding laundry, and the front door was wide open, with our full screen door unlocked, as it is EVERY night in summer.

Later that night, the guy maced an 82 year old woman, and he’s linked to a dozen home invasions on the West side/our neighborhood. They even had a HELICOPTER with a SEARCHLIGHT last night. I’ve NEVER seen that in this town, ever, let alone in our neighborhood. So, that’s sort of freaky.

Beyond that, we got our new oil tank installed yesterday, and we had our apple pie and cheese breakfast at work, which is a nod to the farming tradition of eating AP&C breakfast before planting the crops in spring, but as a university, we plant int he fall and harvest in the spring…. either way, it was a nice way to get ready for the return of students next week. 

I’ve spent the last two years focusing on growing Ingrid (she was conceived 2 years ago, uh, today — Happy Birthday, Dave!), and now that she’s weaned, I’m feeling the need to work on ME for awhile. It’s so hard, though, to figure out the balance. I used to go to the Y, loved going when I was pregnant, but cancelled my membership just before Ingrid was born, knowing we couldn’t afford it, and I wouldn’t be able to go. Now, I’m thinking of rejoining, that damn new season flyer came, don’t you know, but I just wish I knew what the best way to do anything would be.  Working 40 hours a week takes a lot out of my time with an awake Ingrid, and figuring out which hours to sacrifice is hard, man.  I pick her up by 4:15, and she’s going to bed at 8 these days, and of course, those almost-four-hours involve dinner and baths (when applicable) and all of that.

So, these are my options (well, not all of them, but the ones that appeal to me):

4:15-5:15 Tuesday/Thursday, there’s a "Group Power" class: Group Power is your hour of power! This 60-minute barbell program
strengthens all your major muscles in an inspiring, motivating group
environment with fantastic music and awesome instructors. With simple,
athletic movements such as squats, lunges, presses and curls. Group
Power is for all ages and fitness levels.
This class would mean that Dave did pickup on those days, and we’d all get home around the same time. It also might mean that I change in my office before leaving for the day, but I’m fairly sure I could make it from work to the Y in that time.  The same class is offered M/W from 6:40-7:40; I could still do pickup, and wouldn’t feel as rushed getting there.

5:30-6:30 Monday/Wednesday, there’s "Yoga/Pilates Stretch Mix": Includes principles and exercises from the worlds of Pilates and
Yoga. Improve flexibility, core strength, and balance. Relieve stress
and gain peace of mind. Good for all levels.

This class would also probably require a Dave pickup, because it starts at about the time he gets home, unless he could squeak out 5 minutes early on those days.

5:30-6:30, Thursdays, there’s Bellydancing (not a Y class) that I was going to do, but, is it worth it just now, and see above for scheduling stuff.

I am uncoordinated as all get-out, which is why those two classes appeal, and there are early AM classes (like 5:45-6:45) but uhh, that’s early.  I’m leaning toward the first one, because I’ve always liked the weights thing. Also, that one happens on Saturday, during when the infant/toddler swim class is, and I realllly like the idea of Dave and Ingrid doin the swim thing, while I do something, too. (The caveat to that, is that the swim thing is at one location, and the exercise thing at the other.) Anyway. Thoughts?

This is too graphic for a main page entry, and it’s about my miscarriage, and passing the embryo.  But, like I’ve said before, this is my journal for me, as well as for others.  And this entry is for me, but you can read along if you want.  Just.  Be warned.

Continue reading →