Okay, things that are driving me insane and making me tired, spelled out in a Dr Phil-esque healing way, right?
1. School; I feel totally unprepared, the whole deal that a: parents got to choose where their kid went and all the rich, smart kids form stable homes went to the OTHER program and b: the school board wants to list assessment results on the website, BY TEACHER, that fucking pisses me off. And, if the faculty gets no say in class placement, then how the FUCK is it a reflection on ME when there is ZERO heterogeneousity in our classrooms? Fucking A.
2. Money; Just a general low lying anxiety about money. I mean, I make okay money, and have been getting paid, and will be getting a raise as of my next check, and our only debt is this house and Dave’s car, but I still stress out. My car is on its way out; the other day I came off the highway stuck in fifth gear. The brakes work, so I just braked and coasted into a gas station just off the off-ramp, and then I could get it out if fifth, and it hasn’t happened again, but, eek. I hate car payments. I hate that buying a car means increased registration, excise tax, and insurance. I would LOVE to have a new car, but without all the bullshit that entails. Especially since I want to not teach next year and be a grad student/mom/night school teacher.
3. TTC; what if I can’t? It’s this fear that hangs over me. Infertility isn’t hereditary, obviously, so I can’t say “Oh, I’m fine, everyone else in my family has conceived at will.” And it’s only been three months, but still, at what point do you cross the interface of hopefulness and worry?
4. Grad school; I wish I could be there full-time now, but I can’t. I’m feeling very sure about it, and I AM taking a class a semester, by May I will have 12 of my 39 credits. If I go full time, it would be another year or two. Other people do it, though, right?
Good things about the immediate future:
1. A schedule. I definitely benefit from having a schedule; I eat better because I pack salads, I ALWAYS get my vitamins and calcium because I take them at break time. Yoga will be starting again, and I will be using my Y membership more because I want to get out of school. (How awful, but it works. “Oh, I have to run, Pilates is at 4!”)
2. Distraction. I will, I assume, be distracted from that whole TTC thing a bit more, and my money fears won’t weigh as heavily because I have other things to worry about.
3. A raise. Sure it’s just 1500/yr, but it’s something.
4. Baby! Think positive, right? And, how pathetic is this, if I do get knocked up this month, I wouldn’t say anything until Decemberish, probably, so then if I am dragging at work, if the stress follows me there, people will look back and say “ohhhh, that explains it.”
I know I should count my blessings, and I am lucky — I have a husband I love, who loves me, and I have a great house, and I have a great family. I DO have a job, and an income, and transportation for now. And if I HAD to get a car, I could swing it. I would be pissed off, but I could. And we could probably even be a one-car house for a while, too. Honestly, we could be a one car house in a year. When future baby comes, if I do want to stay home, Dave works less than 5 minutes from our house, and we live between the station and many of his coworkers.
And, maybe the big wait for this kid is part of the plan. While we both want kids, and are into trying, I’ve definitely been more READY than Dave, because Dave has said he would never be totally ready (which is true for most people, I think.) However, each month that passes, Dave starts asking more questions, like “Is there anything I should do?” or whatever. And he talks more about babies in the concrete (ha! Total image of babies waist deep in wet cement sidewalks) and has even suggested looking at baby stuff, etc. So maybe part of it is waiting for him to catch-up to my readiness in some way. Also, I realized that if THIS was the month, it would put future baby at the beginning of June/end of May, which is just between the busy-busy seasons of my parents business, and my mom would be able to come and help for a bit, for instance. (Not an option with the MIL, as many of you know.) So, that’s a pro. And I would get another class in for my M. Ed. as well, guaranteed. (well, as guaranteed as possible.) AND, one final pro, my cycle was the exact length of Amy’s, and she is one of those who can feel ovulation (uhh, in herself, not in others) BUT, she’s said she’s going to call and let me know when it happens. Sort of a pheromone-by-telephone ovulation prediction kit.
I have ordered the OPKs and HPTs that are all supersensitive and stuff, and I even (shh) ordered a book of baby names — it was to make the $25 freeshipping bar on Amazon, and it’s the only one I really WANT that my libraries don’t stock, and will be the last baby name book I purchase, I swear — and I’m really ready to have something growing inside me.
AND, we have a good September planned: First weekend is labor day, so three days, the next weekend Daed & Liam will be spending the night, the weekend after that I’m meeting Jezabel for lunch, and then attending the MAB awards with Dave, and two other couples form creative, and then the following weekend is the Common Ground Fair, which my mom and maybe me dad will be here for. So, with school, and busy weekends, here’s hoping the conception happens.
And I survive all the rest.