12 Hours Left

My room is in order, I have a bulletin board in the hallway, the desks and chairs and tables are arranged, and we have an agenda for tomorrow. I guess I’m ready.

I’m fucking TIRED though. I almost want to go to bed NOW, I’m so tired. I was at school for 10 hours, a bunch of it spent doing assessment crap that will probably be undone in three months, and I am just tired. I’m interested, at the very least, in seeing my kids. Almost excited.

See, I get excited about my job until the assessment and NCLB crap kicks in. I am trying to be positive, to remember that the kids come first and fuck the government. Do what’s best for kids. Then, worry about the paperwork.

Part of our hoo-ha tomorrow is reading “Through the Cracks” aloud to the kids. It’s a picture book that speaks well to my program; how kids fall through the cracks if all they do is “watch” school. How participation and integration and teambuilding is what pulls the kids back up from the cracks, and that’s cool.

I ordered it from Amazon, last-minute, but it arrived today in the nick of time. The supplemental book to qualify for free shipping was 40,001 Best Baby Names, the last book I’ll BUY regarding such, I promise, but one I’ve wanted for months. I like Old Hag names (Henrietta — Etta, Wilhelmina, Griselda, Gilda) and Dave likes more common ones, and variants of my own (Samantha, Greta, Gretel) so we need to meet in the middle. He liked Gret-names before he met me, and has a real thing for unpronounceable Scandinavian words that may or may not be actual names. I won’t let there be a Gretchen-lite, but I do like having a strong German name, and baby will have a German surname, so that’s cool. But I don’t want my kid to be named after a Swedish toaster manufacturer or something, either.

Interesting dream last night: I was trying to console a distraught James Hetfield (yes, of Metallica) because he was devastated that the Mobil station and convenience store back home did NOT carry Dilly (A Canadian dill pickle flavor) Chips. He was seriously crying and shit. I felt bad.

Anyway, here is an interesting article by, for, and about new or impending fatherhood.

All we need is just a little patience. . .

Remembered Thought: A guy from the first college I went to made the connection one day that the voices of Axl Rose and Carol Channing are interchangeable. Think about it!

Anyway.

As posted at Digs, I’ve been thinking more and more about the old “selling stuff I create” idea. I have some great shots of local architecture, flowers, macro stuff, etc, and I’ve been told by more than a few people that I should be selling prints or notecards or something. So, I’m pondering it.

However, there are tons of things I would need to do it.

First, if I did notecards, do I print them up at shutterfly and do boxes, or do I try to find some sort of nice, high quality, photo ‘frame’ gift card that I add my own prints to? And if I do, where do I find those in bulk?

And for prints or cards, I would want to package them in those crisp, clear plastic envelopes. Where do those come from? And finally, how much do I charge? What would you pay for a matted 11×14, 5×7, or notecard, for instance? Or, have you seen similar ventures and what do people charge?

I tend to lowball such things (my in-home computer clients are charged 25/hr by me, which I now know is 50/hr less than any other in-home provider, which is why I think I need to get refocused on tech again) so I would appreciate any honest advice.

In other news, school is . . . . okay. I got my room in order, including gutting and reorganizing over 100 linear feet of shelfspace, and a closet I never even USED last year. I carted two six foot stacks of binders and other crap down to the teacher I replaced, and installed shelves and plastic drawers and all kinds of stuff to make it look liveable. I even, gasp!, arranged all of my texts by subject/texts and teacher editions/ supplementals and I can see the brown fakewood of my DESKTOP. My Marvin the Martian coaster is in place; I just need to remember to bring my coffee mug in tomorrow.

Tomorrow, I will be working on plans for the little buggers for the next few weeks, and getting the kids tables set up. Wednesday, They Arrive. UGH. Well, kind of UGH, I guess I AM a little excited to see them, some of them anyway. I was emailed by a few this summer, including one today that said “I wish you were going to be my HS teacher,” (she was in 8th last year), so that made me feel good. And while there are certainly a LOT that I’m stressing out about, there are many that I am really excited to see, and I have to remember that. And, while heterogeneous groupings are NOT what’s happening this year (which is so, so wrong, and defeats the good that comes from public education) I can’t help but be a little thankful that I won’t be overrun by parents who mean well and do too much and end up enabling their precious darlings. You know?

Anyway. I slept like shit last night, if I DID sleep, and I am SO READY to sleep tonight. It can’t come fast enough.

Goodbye, Summer

I hardly knew ye.

T-8 hours and counting until I leave for my first mandated day at work. Argh.

Other things: I have five gmail invites, anyone want one? I have totally switched to gmail, and love it (hotmail, who?) and would be happy to share the google love. This from the girl who got a free fleece throw from Google, black with the logo embroidered on, and has it saved away for her first baby. I’m so not kidding. I’ve had it for a year or so now. I love me the google.

Also, thinking about taking a mini vacation over Thanksgiving. Not far, just maybe a few nights in Boston to avoid family (read: inlaw) bullshit. Are the museums and such open at that time? Obviously, not on Thanksgiving itself, but the day/weekend after?

I am so not ready for this. Breana’s last post made me feel better. I need to just accept that summer ’04 sucked eggs, and start looking forward to Fall, and our first winter in the new house, complete with woodstove. I have cookie-baking supplies at the ready, and the first cool weekend I have, I plan on baking some and taking them to the couple up the street that we have been trying to hook up with. (they bought a month after we did, and we are the only non-geriatrics on this street. And they have Subarus and cats and funky glasses, so they will be our friends. They MUST!)

Okay, I’m ready as I’ll ever be, right? RIGHT.

Reasons Why

Okay, things that are driving me insane and making me tired, spelled out in a Dr Phil-esque healing way, right?

1. School; I feel totally unprepared, the whole deal that a: parents got to choose where their kid went and all the rich, smart kids form stable homes went to the OTHER program and b: the school board wants to list assessment results on the website, BY TEACHER, that fucking pisses me off. And, if the faculty gets no say in class placement, then how the FUCK is it a reflection on ME when there is ZERO heterogeneousity in our classrooms? Fucking A.

2. Money; Just a general low lying anxiety about money. I mean, I make okay money, and have been getting paid, and will be getting a raise as of my next check, and our only debt is this house and Dave’s car, but I still stress out. My car is on its way out; the other day I came off the highway stuck in fifth gear. The brakes work, so I just braked and coasted into a gas station just off the off-ramp, and then I could get it out if fifth, and it hasn’t happened again, but, eek. I hate car payments. I hate that buying a car means increased registration, excise tax, and insurance. I would LOVE to have a new car, but without all the bullshit that entails. Especially since I want to not teach next year and be a grad student/mom/night school teacher.

3. TTC; what if I can’t? It’s this fear that hangs over me. Infertility isn’t hereditary, obviously, so I can’t say “Oh, I’m fine, everyone else in my family has conceived at will.” And it’s only been three months, but still, at what point do you cross the interface of hopefulness and worry?

4. Grad school; I wish I could be there full-time now, but I can’t. I’m feeling very sure about it, and I AM taking a class a semester, by May I will have 12 of my 39 credits. If I go full time, it would be another year or two. Other people do it, though, right?

Good things about the immediate future:

1. A schedule. I definitely benefit from having a schedule; I eat better because I pack salads, I ALWAYS get my vitamins and calcium because I take them at break time. Yoga will be starting again, and I will be using my Y membership more because I want to get out of school. (How awful, but it works. “Oh, I have to run, Pilates is at 4!”)

2. Distraction. I will, I assume, be distracted from that whole TTC thing a bit more, and my money fears won’t weigh as heavily because I have other things to worry about.

3. A raise. Sure it’s just 1500/yr, but it’s something.

4. Baby! Think positive, right? And, how pathetic is this, if I do get knocked up this month, I wouldn’t say anything until Decemberish, probably, so then if I am dragging at work, if the stress follows me there, people will look back and say “ohhhh, that explains it.”

I know I should count my blessings, and I am lucky — I have a husband I love, who loves me, and I have a great house, and I have a great family. I DO have a job, and an income, and transportation for now. And if I HAD to get a car, I could swing it. I would be pissed off, but I could. And we could probably even be a one-car house for a while, too. Honestly, we could be a one car house in a year. When future baby comes, if I do want to stay home, Dave works less than 5 minutes from our house, and we live between the station and many of his coworkers.

And, maybe the big wait for this kid is part of the plan. While we both want kids, and are into trying, I’ve definitely been more READY than Dave, because Dave has said he would never be totally ready (which is true for most people, I think.) However, each month that passes, Dave starts asking more questions, like “Is there anything I should do?” or whatever. And he talks more about babies in the concrete (ha! Total image of babies waist deep in wet cement sidewalks) and has even suggested looking at baby stuff, etc. So maybe part of it is waiting for him to catch-up to my readiness in some way. Also, I realized that if THIS was the month, it would put future baby at the beginning of June/end of May, which is just between the busy-busy seasons of my parents business, and my mom would be able to come and help for a bit, for instance. (Not an option with the MIL, as many of you know.) So, that’s a pro. And I would get another class in for my M. Ed. as well, guaranteed. (well, as guaranteed as possible.) AND, one final pro, my cycle was the exact length of Amy’s, and she is one of those who can feel ovulation (uhh, in herself, not in others) BUT, she’s said she’s going to call and let me know when it happens. Sort of a pheromone-by-telephone ovulation prediction kit.

I have ordered the OPKs and HPTs that are all supersensitive and stuff, and I even (shh) ordered a book of baby names — it was to make the $25 freeshipping bar on Amazon, and it’s the only one I really WANT that my libraries don’t stock, and will be the last baby name book I purchase, I swear — and I’m really ready to have something growing inside me.

AND, we have a good September planned: First weekend is labor day, so three days, the next weekend Daed & Liam will be spending the night, the weekend after that I’m meeting Jezabel for lunch, and then attending the MAB awards with Dave, and two other couples form creative, and then the following weekend is the Common Ground Fair, which my mom and maybe me dad will be here for. So, with school, and busy weekends, here’s hoping the conception happens.

And I survive all the rest.

Sleepy, still

So, part of the Not Pregnant thing is that I slept A LOT in the last few weeks. And even now, decidedly UnPregnant Me is still sleeping a lot. Which makes me think I may be a wee bit depressed about the current situation. Not just the unpregnant part, but the school part. I am just. not. feeling. the. love. At all. And kids come on Wednesday.

I heard from a colleague that did not attend TechWeek that she had people tell her that I was really good. That “My passion was obvious.” So I AM right, tech is where it’s at for me, but I have this whole goddamn year to get through. And it seems sooooo daunting.

It’s hot, my battery is hot, I’m hot, and mainlining caffeine is not helping. I still just want to sleep.

Instead, I ordered cheap ovulation and pregnancy tests on the internet, went with Dave and bought a veggie sandwich and ice cream, and am about to logoff and watch Big Fish. Hrm.

Randomly

I would like to be pregnant.
I would not like to go to school.
I would like my finger to stop hurting.
I would like weeks like this one to replicate infinitely; low humidity, bright blue skies, verge of autumn days are the best.
I would like my fucking room to be done so that I can get in and put books on my shelves, etc.

Anyway.

Kate’s visit has been great; her boyfriend is so wonderful. He is so much better than the bong-poet ex, but I guess we all had to have the BPE as a reference point. When she and I drove the old truck out west in 2000, we stayed with Pete (new boyfriend) for a night, and went to a Big Head Todd show with him and some other of her friends. I was telling her then, four years ago, “WHY are you with BPE? You need to hook up with Pete. Seriously.” It tooko 3.5 years, but when they finally ended up single at the same time, it happened. It may have made the papers out there, as their friends all saw what I did, a perfect match. He counterbalances her flakiness, as opposed to compounding it, and he has a strong character and is just a real nice guy. Sure, they look like the Swedish ski team, all big white teeth and bright blue eyes and shit, but they really work well together. So, yay.

ALso, Dave and Pete got along famously. Kate and I did some shopping while the menfolk played PS2 or worked on video editing (Dave hooked Pete up with some software and instruction, as Pete wants to get into river-shooting) and Dave and I talked about how he could have NEVER handled that much alone time with BPE. And, it made me feel good about the Dave&Gretchen family unit.

We grew up differently, Dave and I, and we are very aware of that. My family is very close, his is not. ANd I’ve said “I know my family probably doesn’t make sense to you, because yours doesn’t to me, but I want OUR family to be more like mine.” Dave agrees, the more we spent around each other’s families, the more I’ve appreciated mine, and the more he’s resented his. I mean, there is just never any contact with them except for holidays, and they LIVE HERE. In the same ZIP CODE.

To see Dave and Pete hanging out (he will be my BIL, I am throroughly certain of that) and building that relationship, it just makes me want to cry almost. The Dave and Gretchen family will be close to others in our family. My kids WILL know their aunt and uncle and cousins, and we will visit each other and stay in touch beyond obligatory and soulless holiday ‘celebrations.’

And that makes me happy.

My goddamn finger, though, is pissing me off.

Going Mobile!

Farewell, vacation-induced typepad silence! I have moblogging!

(Okay, I crushed my finger between a boat and a dock on Monday, so typor may be plentiful as I cannot use my right middle finger. Deal.)

Now I can post via Gmail, without having to go through the whole spiel of clearing cookies on my parents’ computer. YEY.

So, I could have emailed the post that said “Hey, I’m out. Maybe I’ll be pregnant NEXT month.” with relative ease. Hee. The biggest disappointment is that I won’t have a magical April Vacation centered due date, which means I will have to work AFTER April vacation, regardless. That sucks. The good news is that my cycle was shorter and more normal than last month’s, which makes me happy. My Fertility Plan for this month is to be distracted by school, heh, and try OPK’s. You know how I LOVE to pee on sticks.

Speaking of school, I spent some time going through my new supplies, and I put together my new wheeled whiteboard easel. I pulled out my new Expo markers and made a fake spelling list: “Welcome to School! Shit Fuck Lesbian (No Z!)*” and spun it around to show my co-teacher. We laughed, and I erased it, but there was a ghost-image of the words. Not in color, but in sheen/contrast from it being the first use of the whiteboard. Hah. Figures. I ended up scribbling over the whole thing and cleaning it with spray stuff, and i think the problem is solved.

Now I’m waiting for my sister and her fabulous boyfriend (He is SUCH a better guy than her double ex-fiance twice removed) to return from rafting, for Dave to get home from work, and for time to just stop and school to never start. But, it will. At this point, it’s like a bandaid — just START, get me through those first three days, then we have Labor Day weekend, then get me to Columbus Day, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, and somewhere in there, let me get knocked up. (Oh, other pro for delayed conception: cheap holiday gifts! Merry Christmas. we’re pregnant (and so couldn’t afford to buy you useless crap this year, so there.)

My stupid finger hurts. Sigh.

* “Lesbian,” or “lezz” is the insult of choice among the girls in the class, and it’s ALWAYS with a Z which drives me nuts. The use of the slur drives me nuts, too, but that damn Z pisses me off.

Not About My Uterus!

(Okay, not totally, quick update is that today’s sentimental HPT was negative. Trying to keep the faith since last month was 35 day cycle, but whatever. If I’m not, I’m not.)

Now, onto things that are above the collarbone, ie, my brain!

This week, I spent the week at school as one of the trainers for our school’s Tech Academy. We got a big fat grant to do prof dev within our school, to try to get teachers more comfortable with the tech resources we have. Our school (save for 7/8) runs on Linux, with thin-clients and servers and all that hoo-ha. (7-8 is part of the MLTI, the state sponsored Laptop program, we all have iBooks.) So, I spent a week in July preparing stuff for the class, and then this week was spent teaching teachers. I had two classes, Basic FirstClass, and Multimedia, and it went well.

Really well. By the end of Friday, I had teachers who had never used the computers in their room thanking me, telling others how GOOD I was, and how PATIENT. (I don’t think it hurt that the last class of the week was run by our tech coordinator, who is great at what he does, but doesn’t quite understand that you need to leave right-clicking the hell alone until people are comfortable with left-clicking, etc) The whole week, though, really reminded me of what it is I KNOW, and what it is I LIKE and why I AM in grad school for Instructional Technology. With the school year shaping up to be very fucking shitty (the whole, “You get all the poor kids from broken homes because the rich kids with supportive families wanted to be together and WE LET THEM” drama that is playing out — if there was racial diversity and this shit happened, there would be a class action LAWSUIT happening, okay? It is not heterogeneous.) it reminded me that I just have to get through, survive this year. I want to be teaching adults. Is that so wrong? I’m really good with all levels, and I know that, and it sounds sort of cocky, but I am. But adults WANT to be there. I want to teach THEM.

So, I am taking a class this fall (Telecommunications) and maybe next spring, but I think I will definitely apply for a TA/GA position at the uni for next fall or spring, depending on Project Offspring. It’s what I’m good at, I wanted a few years of classroom to have street cred with educators, and I will have that. But it’s important that I focus on what I’m GOOD at, what I WANT to do, not just something I CAN do.

So, there’s that. Now if I could just get knocked up already.

One more sign

Quickly, as it’s the second post tonight, but I had to share my most recent Sign.

Andy just picked me up for coffee on the waterfront, and gave me a big bag o’ baby care stuff, because he “had a feeling” I was pregnant.

For validation of this new sign, minutes later we both sang the words “Crotch Rocckkkeettt” in the same pitch and melody and at the SAME TIME, as we passed part of the Downtown Motorcycle Posse o’ Punks. Heh.

Back to waiting. Now complete with nasal aspirator, tiny nail clippers, and outlet covers.