MIO = Meow It Out. I’m sure there’s lots of controversy on the subject, and damn if we didn’t try it anyway. 

See, our cat, the beloved FatKitty, has been cosleeping with Dave for all of her almost 12 years. She prefers the center position, stretched out lengthwise, head on Dave’s pillow, and will actually (I know, you can get ready to close your browswer on cuteness overload) spoon us. She loooooves her humans. Damn.

While we don’t plan on cosleeping in the first weeks (cosleeping here meaning, in the bed cosleeping, we will have a bassinet in our room, right next to me) because of Dave’s nervousness (despite, as I mentioned, never once rolling over on to the cat in 12 years) I anticipate it happening anyway, fairly soon. I would never do something that made Dave nervous, but I think that once the baby is here, he’ll realize that it would be damn hard to roll over on your own baby if you weren’t drunk or high or morbidly obese (the usual causes of such tragedies). In preparation, i thought maybe we should work on training the cat to sleep outside of our bedroom. Yeah, that’ll work.

In fairness, though, the few nights before her time in our bed had suddenly dropped off, by her choice — one night she didn’t come in at all! I wondered if it was because she senses some change afoot, and was trying to cut herself off.  So we closed the door when we went to bed on Friday night, and hoped for the best. Instead, we got one pissed off kitty pawing at the door with BOTH PAWS (so, she had to get off her fat ass and stand on her HIND legs, which is way mor effort than she usually expends) for about 10 minutes straight before we relented and let her in. She immediately got into her spot and purred loudly for a looonnnggg time, probably thinking "Oh my god, you’re ALIVE! I thought you’d been murdered in your sleep!"  Last night, she was there for almost the whole night, longer than she’d been last week, no doubt traumatized by the thought of a hollow-core door separating her from her humans.

So, fellow cat-owners, etc, how was the transition for your pets to having a baby in the house? I’m not worried about her ‘getting in the crib’ or even the bassinet, because she is simply too FAT to jump that high. We could put a side of salmon in the crib, and she’d die trying to get in, but she’d never make it. But, we also don’t plan on using the crib right away, either. I imagine that once the baby is here, it will be a whole lot easier to throw the cat out into the hall at night, if necessary, even though right now it feels a little like putting Granny in a home and driving off without looking back.

EFW= 7lbs 7 oz. Although, I’m now wondering if they mean ‘right now’ or ‘at 40w.’ Anyone have any guesses?  So, no induction, cervix is still closed, NST fine, got swabbed to check for GBS, and next appointment is next Friday.

My OB is on call all week, and the weekend, and did mention that we’d reassess induction next week, depending on how favorable my cervix is. I can live with that.

Just killing time before my appointment, and trying to decide if it’s a sign that my friend who referred me to my fab doc and also got me the giant diaper bag that is packed for the hospital decded today, for the first time ever, to just drop in and visit.  Hmmmm. Certainly reaffirmed the pros of having Wonder OB deliver the baby, too. I dunno.  Anyway. Dave will be home in 40 minutes and we’re off. I’ll update ASAP.

I’m a person who runs on gut instinct almost all of the time. I listen to that little voice closely, and it usually guides me well. (Hell, it’s why I’m pregnant now, just a little idea that I might be ovulating 10 days earlier than normal last august…) I am already hearing the little voice guide me on my way to parenting choices, like the fact that my instinct is guiding me to breastfeed, for instance. Where I’m lost, is what to know to do about the possibility of induction.

My appointment is tomorrow, where my doctor will be doing an ultrasound to check the size of the baby, etc. We already have a game plan in place, depending on the information gleaned, but I’m still itchy about it. When I think about what I most FEAR about giving birth, it isn’t pain or needles or clock-watching, but presence. I really fear not being ‘present’ when I have my baby.

The biggest disconnected scenario I can imagine is a c-section. C-sections are a great tool of modern medicine, and I know plenty of people that have had them for plenty of reasons. But to me, it just terrifies me to imagine staring at ceiling tiles and a blue drape and having my arms tied down for the most important moment of my life. Absolutely terrifies me.  (Not more than losing the baby in childbirth, so I would absolutely have a c-section if it was medically necessary, don’t get me wrong….) And that’s where the induction worries come in.

First, I trust my doctor. I ADORE her. In all the conversations we’ve had about size, etc, she is quick to assure me that it’s MY CHOICE. From other people that have had her, they rave about her in the delivery room, that she is low pressure, one woman said "After, she told me I was 5minutes from a c-section, but I never knew it." That speaks to me, because it seems that many doctors DO let you ‘know it’ which can just be crazy-making at times. It also lets me know that if she thinks it needs to be a c-section, I assume she’s not making a hasty judgment.  Unlike other docs, like the one who schedules 38w c-sections in the second trimester for breech babies that haven’t even been given time to TURN yet…. I really do trust my doctor, but I also trust myself.

If her recommendation is to induce next week, the pro is that she is the one on call, and would be delivering the baby. The way my practice works is that if MY doc isn’t available, one of the other docs in the practice is, usually, and they are of similar minds, from what I know. However, weekends are shared among all the local practices, and I COULD end up being induced and having dr "hurry up and have the baby, I have dinner reservations" be attending to me, which I would NOT like.

I worry about Pitocin leading to an epidural leading to a stalled labor leading to a c-section, in that order.  And, in all that, I worry about ending up being not present when the baby is born. On the flip side, I worry about skipping an induction to only need a c-section in the end, anyway, and again, with MAYBE my doctor, or maybe someone else.  I worry that induction will be my window to a birth withthe least interventions and the most presence, and if I decline that when it’s offered, I’m just screwing myself in a different way.

It helps that I’ve heard of a recent induction that went really well, no c-section, and the mom was OBVIOUSLY ‘present,’ as it’s evident in how she tells the story.  I guess — I’m not looking for perfect. Perfect, to me, would be labor starts on its own, I labor at home, go to the hospital and find that I’m at LEAST 4cm. I bounce on the ball, get great support from Dave and Amy and the labor nurse (god, I hope I get a good one!) push twice and don’t tear and have a great moment of Dave announcing the sex. But that’s what EVERYONE wants, right? That would be perfect, but I know not to EXPECT perfection. Everyone is different, every birth is different, every experience is different. All I really want is presence. And, of COURSE, a healthy baby. To have even those two things would be more than some people EVER get, and I am aware of that.

I just worry that tomorrow will be a Day to Decide. I hope that it’s not — I hope that it’s "hey, the baby is only 6 pounds, and everything else is great!" and that the need to Decide Something doesn’t even come up. If it DID come up, barring any seriously dangerous issues (aside from size), it wouldn’t be an immediate thing anyway. I imagine it would be a matter of "I recommend an induction" and I decide what to do, and it’s scheduled for next week or whatever, during which time I do lots of things at home to try to ripen the ol’ cervix. (On top of the tea and evening primrose oil I’ve already started….)

I’m just so ready! and excited. I feel like it’s the last few days before a big trip to some new exciting place — my bags are packed, I’m ready to jump in with both feet, I’m ready to meet our baby. I just want to be sure I don’t end up in the wrong place, or that my bags don’t get rerouted, or whatever…  So, it’s all normal, right? To be 38w and nervous and excited and worried about making the (first) right choice?  (Positive induction stories are always welcome, too, either as a comment or email or link or whatever…..)

Two of my biggest worries about sliding into motherhood are almost total opposites of each other. I worry about suddenly having to deal with more company & attention because of the baby, and I worry about being isolated in the experience of the fourth trimester. It doesn’t make sense, really, unless you’re me. I just updated the family blog with a polite little post about our expectations regarding labor, delivery, the hospital, and postpartum visits. Basically — stay away, unless you’ve been cleared by us to come in. I’m just anxious about having to deal with inlaw advice at the same time as raging hormones and learning to figure out my baby all at the same time. I’m worried about my OWN family being too talkative or too whatever — my mom, for instance, has a problem with quiet rooms, and is always, always, talking. It drives me nuts on a good day — I can’t imagine dealing well with it as I’m trying to figure out a breastfeeding latch after a week of totally fucked sleep.  ANd then, inlaws… I just don’t WANT their advice, or anyone’s really, if they haven’t gone through the process as recently as I have. 

On the other hand, I am terrified of feeling isolated as a new mom. I’m really glad to have made a new-mama friend in town, who has just gone through the experience. That’s different. I’ve clicked with some of the pool people as well, and the Y is totally missing the boat in not having a postpartum group or something. We all go to the pool, get hugely pregnant, and waddle out, never to be seen again in most cases. Which, sucks!, if you find yourself clicking with someone, you know?  There should be a monthly meeting after the pool class, where the now-moms can come in and show off their babies/reconnect with the other moms that scatter into the wind after they have their babies. Or, have a mailing list or something so that you can re-find these people.   

So, there you go — terrified of too much advice from previous generations, and terrified of not enough advice from 2006 new moms. So twisted.  I definitely feel like I’m making headway on the isolation fears, I visited the new friend and held her smily little girl today before the pool class (so weird! I’m going to have one of those!) and a girl from the pool (not one that I necessarily clicked with, but due just 2weeks ahead of me) asked for my email address to um, invite me to a makeup party…. which I will probably try to attend, just because it’s a CONNECTION. (But yeah, makeup, hah. Not even on my RADAR of things I might spend money on…)

In other news, I’m feeling pretty good. Physically, I haven’t really felt too BAD throughout this experience. I had a bad night and day last week, but it passed.  I really have been more frustrated by the way my mind has been affected by pregnancy, more than my body. I still feel stupid, I feel like it takes me twice as long to be half as intelligent as I once was.  I’m hitting the red raspberry leaf tea and evening primrose oil, two homeopathic uterus/cervix toners/softeners that have no negative effects (unlike, say, castor oil, which I will NOT be trying) and may have some positive effects. The ultrasound is on Friday, along with another internal exam, and it would be pretty nice to hear that something has changed up in there, and that the u/s shows a regular sized baby that doesn’t need to be forcibly removed.

The hospital bags are packed, like, really PACKED, and my sister made it home to the lake yesterday, and there are only two more days of partial childcare issues regarding Amy’s availability to make it up here. I am reaaadddy. So I’ll probably be 2 weeks late.

Still here!  Yesterday and last night, though, I think the baby started to drop. I just felt weird walking around, even my pool class was more challenging than ever, and there was lots of new pressure and stretching happening. I could NOT get comfortable in bed, at all, and I tried pillows and more pillows, until I finally went to the couch at around 2, where at least I wasn’t making myself more antsy trying not to bother Dave. (As it was, he didn’t even realize I was gone until several hours later.)  I don’t know that it was contractions so much as just new muscles getting stretched — it felt like I had a rope tied around my waist, and under the belly that was squeezing everything, and getting comfy was just impossible. I also peed about twice as many times last night as any other night, so, there’s stuff starting to shift.

I had an appointment scheduled today anyway, and there was nothing regular about the discomfort, so I wasn’t worried, but it kind of freaked Dave out. I’ve been relatively spry up until now, according to others, anyway, my classmates keep saying each week "wow, you’re still moving right along!" and stuff, so to have me really wiggling around trying to get comfortable freaked him out. Also freaking him out: feeling the hiccups of the widget not on the side of my belly, but by sliding his hand between my belly and my thigh. The hiccups have moved down, for sure.

The appointment today involved my first non-stress test, which baby and I passed with flying colors — heartrate around 170, average, and no contractions while I was there, so that’s good. I also had my first cervical check — cervix is "starting to soften" but otherwise "Long, Closed, Tight, and Posterior" which means there is no dilation or effacement happening yet. The head is at -2, still fairly high, but definitely lower than it has been, I think.

The weirdest part was that I was given the carbons of my chart today. I didn’t quite get it, until the midwife explained that I would now be bringing them in at each visit to be updated, but that if anything happened between visits, I take them to the hospital with me. Oh. OH. WHOOOAAAA. Very weird.

The DSL was not resurrected over the weekend, so we are still internet-less at home. Egads.  Even the back seat of my car didn’t work, because the neighbors went away for the weekend and they turn off their wireless when not using it (heh, at MY SUGGESTION, too!) so I am not ashamed to say that I ended up at the Park & Ride commuter lot next to several hotels with open Wi-Fi to check my email and download my bloglines subs for later perusal.

Interestingly enough, one of my big motivations for needing to have internet access was because i wanted to check the hopsital website to see if Leslie, a girl from my pool class (one of the SVTs that ended up being connected to me via my students, my friends, and my parents) had had her baby yet. On Wednesday, the class leader called her to see what was up (she was due Monday) and told us that she was being induced Thursday.  She was the other person who wasn’t finding out the sex of her baby, and the rest of the people seemed to be having boys, so with the many layers of connections + wondering sex + 4w ahead of me due date, i really wanted to KNOW!  In a preemptive move to avoid getting screwed by Easter closing everything down, dave and I went to the grocery store at 8:30 on Saturday night for staples, and I realized in line that the guy ahead of us was her husband, there with their 2 boys, so i was all "HEY! What’d you have?!" Anyway, she had a girl, as yet unnamed at that point. So, um, yeah, it’s a small world, and a small town, and sometimes you don’t NEED the internet to get information, you just need a gallon of milk and to be nosy at the grocery store.  (Luckily, he remembered meeting me  at that same grocery store a few months ago, so knew who I WAS, and not just some crazed pregnant stalker stocking up on low carb ice cream bars, which, are my best find yet for the pregnancy atkins thing. Yum. Not the real thing, but damn, good enough anyway.)

Lack of DSL and having company on the way also motivated me to clean my house AND make muffins on Friday morning, which NEVER happens, but it was so coooool to have a real live BABY in the house! It’s odd, I have everything pretty much READY, but then, there’s a BABY coming over and I’m like "oh, weird, there’s never been a baby in my house." The baby slept the whole time, and did make a few noises, but the cat didn’t totally freak out, so that was nice. We’ll see how she does with OUR baby, but still, it was so cool to just see a baby and know that ours is coming, sooner than we think. JR, in the grocery store, asked us ‘how much longer?" and when I said ‘4 weeks,’ he responded "it will FLY." I’m sure he’s right. To be so close, and have all this baby energy around, though, is really making me excited to meet our baby.  They have such little toes! and scrunch all up into a sleepy little ball! I can’t. WAIT.

To that end, I found a box of Mother-To-Be tea in my pantry, from the first pregnancy, but it said it was good until May 06, so I’ve started drinking that, and I plan to pick up some red raspberry leaf tea this week as well. I brought down the yoga ball, and have been rolling around on that for a while each day, and since I’m full term on friday (37 weeks) and really would like to go on my own, I’d like to work on priming the pump as much as I can, naturally. I have a non-stress test on Thursday (still no cervical checks, so maybe I’ll get my first at the THursday 37w appt?) and the u/s next Friday will provide some data, but if I can make things ANY easier on my own, I will. Except castor oil. No freakin’ way with the castor oil.

I’ve also decided I need more kissaluvs, knowing that even bg’s 11 pound baby wore them for quite some time, and that they hold their value exceptionally well, I’m going to order 10 more of those to supplant the 5 I have. I practice on a doll each day, and the KL0s are sooo easy to use, esp for that newborn stage, that I figure it’s worh the investment. If they don’t work, or I need to drum up cash after they’re outgrown, they garner almost full price on ebay (which is why I’m just ordering them new, anyway) and if I use them for a second baby, then that’s cool too. I could just use them and sell them and have CD’ed for *free* essentially, which isn’t a bad idea, either. WHo knows when second baby might come, and what the circumstances might be then.

I’ve also started packing my hospital bag. It’s like packing for camp, or for the trip we used to go on with the band, where you start your list way in advance, detailing each outfit day by day, and what scrunchie you’ll need to go with it. I’ve actually evolved into a light packer in my old age, but the hospital bag is just some sort of mission for me. I picked up a cheap robe and grandma slippers at Walmart (amazing how my principles fly out the window when I’m trying to find cheap slippers to ruin), and some t-shirty drawstring lounge pants.  I have three (YES THREE) choices of going-home outfit for the baby, and will probably throw in a gown or two, now, too, on Amy’s advice. I also have three HATS for the baby, I guess in case the baby has three heads, and a SwaddleMe as well. I have my shampoo and conditioner and toothbrush (My travel stuff, of course) packed in there, and a rolly-massage ball and my backup cell phone charger.  I have nipple cream, and nursing pads, and a nursing bra, and and and …. and it’s all just sitting there, in the bedroom, ready to go. Just in case.

So, yeah, I’m a gon’ have a BABY soon. That is so weird.

And hopefully, the DSL returns before the baby arrives. I can imagine that trying to learn how to breastfeed while checking my email at the park & ride would be cumbersome, at best.