There are a million things suckier than going a day past your due date. Like, never reaching that due date. Or, never getting a due date, when it is all you could ever really want. Or, having a baby before your due date, and having her die two days later.

Not to mention, kittens getting hit by cars, children without health insurance, and you know, war and cancer and poverty.

Holy fucking shit.

(If you know what I'm talking about, I hope you can agree that it was a pretty tasteless comment, even in the best of times. If you don't, be thankful for what you have, anyway, and remember to keep your life in perspective. )

Last week, I wrote about the student teacher/asshole who was arguing tech with me, and had zero clue.  The discussion was in the teacher’s room, and the only other person present was the PE teacher, who is a friend, and later said "I don’t know what you were talking about, but you knew more than he did!"

Yesterday, she came and found me while I was eating lunch.

"Gretchen! I have the best thing to tell you."

Apparently, the jerkwad was in the hall, talking to an ed tech and complaining that he couldn’t get online from any computer in the school.  The ed tech was one from this summer’s tech academy, and she is very, very novice at computers, however, she was telling him "You just log in, and click on it, and you’re on . . ." She was perplexed, because it didn’t make sense.  Except for the iBooks in middle school, the rest of the building is run on Linux. The PE teacher heard this, so she offered to show him how to log in.  He logged in, and she said "Now, click on the internet."

"But there IS no Internet!"
"Yes, there, is, you know, the WORLD with a MOUSE. That’s the Internet."
"No, it’s not, I hold the mouse over that and it says ‘WEB BROWSER.’  I want the INTERNET."

She clicked on it, and said "This IS the Internet."

MOTHERFUCKER doesn’t even know what a WEB BROWSER is.  She was THRILLED to have had to take part in the exchange, because she rann me and said "GUESS WHAT! Even I know what a WEB BROWSER is!!"

I am so, so tempted to go to him and say "Hey, I heard from an ed tech [who he has sarcastically said "I guess I’m not as smart as an ED TECH." in conversation, asshole] that you could use some help learning how to use the Internet.  Would you like me to help you, while you eat this pile of roasted crow?"

"Oh, good! I’ll be sure to let UNICEF know they can go back to focusing on real tragedies.  Enjoy your appetite."

Okay, that’s what I WANTED to post in the Wedding Mania thread, after hearing that her wedding planner had "had her ass handed to her" before she was able to "go to Pelican Bay and crack some skulls." 

Seriously. The Internet can be great, but then there are assholes like Princess "My ring is SO HUGE I must turn it on the subway, but my fianceeeeeeee loves me so much, it had to be that big/I am leaving my lucrative law school program to teach because teaching in a wealthy, white, suburban preschool is so challenging and fulfilling!" Heatherina.  Blech.  I mean, it’s the same old story that makes internet people suck; it’s all me me me me me and zero contribution to the conversation.

Snow day.

Alrighty. I know you’re out there. Here’s the plan on dealing with the Asshat.  And by "Asshat," I mean the one who wrote every post except for that one where she had her social worker or english tutor or boyfriend’s probation officer help her with commas and spelling. Because that sure as hell wasn’t the Asshat.  Also, bullshit on the sister story.

Ignore. Completely.

Whatever she says, pretend it was never there. Don’t offer links to dictionary.com, don’t explain hot compresses, don’t answer when she asks how to get her pants back on. Nothing. Not one word.  The Asshat? What Asshat? I didn’t hear anything, did you?

Circle the wagons, girls. The sympathizers can deal with her, but the best solution, I think, is to just stop responding.

Don’t worry, if something deserves snarking upon, I’ll snark here. But on the boards? I don’t believe I’m familiar with the Asshat.

(PS: This is not how I expect newbies to be treated, only established and recognized morons.  We should still be kind and helpful to newbies in general.)

When I sent Dave this link, I got the following email in reply:
"My desktop here used to be that cover of Devastatin’ Dave Zip Zap Rap  :D" 
There’s a reason we’re so happily married, obviously.

Yesterday, while asshat tasha was visiting Digster blogs, I got a hit from nasa.gov. Coincidence?

And finally, a picture taken yesterday at school, which won’t make sense until you click on it and see it full size.  (Kids’ names whited out.)  Sigh. 

Dear Tasha.

First? Your name is one s away from being an anagram of asshat.  Let me guess, you need to know what "anagram" is, and where can I get one?????" because the more question marks you use in your post, the more likely we are to answer your fucking stupid question.

First, 18year old girls that live with 31 year old men? Um, not normal. Your boyfriend is, as I’ve mentioned before, either a pedophile or developmentally delayed.  Not sure which, and they both have their pros and cons, I guess, but you are a goddamn moron.  If you were in my real life, you would be instantly deemed an Oxygen Thief.  Thank god ("What is this ‘god’ and where can I get one????") you aren’t in my real life.

However, my new tactic in dealing with you is to answer every one of your moronic questions with a link to justfuckinggoogleit.com, because you really, really, need to learn the art of the google search.  You are a moron, and are universally despised. Trust me.

Justfuckinggoogleit,
G.

There’s this new local reporter that is about 21 years old, awkward looking, and gay-but-doesn’t-know-it-yet.  David Cross does a great piece on the gay man voice, and that not all gay men have The Voice, but if you have The Voice, you are a gay man.  This kid has the Voice.  And, to make matters worse, his last name is a flurry of S-sounds.  When he first got there, one of his friends said "You should really tone down the gay thing," and he responded "What? I’m not gay! You think I’m gay? WELL, I’m not!" and then he probably flounced away all huffy and shit.

Anyway.

Recently, he got assigned to go to Pennsylvania to do a report on the new LifeFlight helicopter.  He went down there, and got to fly back in the helicopter, which is pretty cool. HOWEVER.  His story started off with the beginning of The Corrs song, "breathless."

"Go on, Go on, Leave me breathless….."

Now, okay, sure, flying in a helicopter from Pennsylvania to Maine, over NYC, Boston, etc, would be pretty fucking breathtaking. I get that.   And it’s not just that it’s a lame song.

It;s that it was for the LIFEFLIGHT Helicopter. You know, the one that swoops down into interstate medians or remote clearcuts to whisk trauma patients to the nearest hospital.  The whole point of LifeFlight is to leave you the opposite of breathless.  Right? Right?  And, the song choice doesn’t do much for proving your straightness, either.

G:  scissor sister on Regis & Kelly is WEIRD.)
A:  what channel!?
G:  7

A:  they are sooooooo gay
G:  is it a guy in drag?
A:  i don’t think so
G:  oh

At this point, Regis asked what "Scissors Sister" meant, and the lead singer demonstrated with his hands, and Jimmy Fallon.  Regis, oblivious, made some comment that it was like " a handshake."  Kelly put on her big innocent face, and said,"Yes! a SECRET handshake!" As the camera panned by, she doubled over in laughter, and was blushing.

G:  HAHAHAHA
G:  "secret handshake"
A:  it’s a sexual position
G:  and Kelly knows it.
A:  yep!
A:  she’s done it
G:  heeee
G:  that’s awesome
A:  there are photos on the internet, i’ll bet

I get that you wanted to name him after his dad. But wasn’t the first name enough?