Started in the night. Went back to bed and actually shed a few tears.
Ixnay on the Abybay
5
Monthly Archives: October 2004
Tired. And hungry.
I broke down and tested, and saw my friend, the One Line. Still not bleeding yet, and technically, it’s kind of early. I mean, the GOF for the positive OPK was initiated on October 17th, which was 11 days ago. The new plan is to wait and see; if I’m not bleeding by Saturday night, I’ll pick up FREDs, at full retail price from the pharmacy down the street, and test on Sunday. Halloween. My anniversary. Added bonus, Amy will be here then, so if I AM, the squealing can be done in person instead of over the phone. Enough about my uterus.
So, yes, I’m having a housewarming on Saturday. Two of my colleagues got together and decided I needed a party, since I didn’t even get cake or a mention of my wedding, etc. They had me pick a date, and a guest list, and they are taking care of the rest. I just need to make sure the place is clean, etc.
My mom is coming tomorrow night to spend the night, and then Amy will come up on Saturday and stay that night. The party is at 3 on Saturday. Whoo!
I just have to get through tomorrow. I have to write a science test, and finish laundry, and make dinner. And I am hungry and tired and just had a rare evening tea, after a rare afternoon tea. YAWN.
Red Week
This is a red week. Red is important this week, for some reason. The Red Sox are playing the Cardinals for the World Series during a lunar clipse, when the moon will glow red. It’s red ribbon week ( at school and around the country) for drug awareness or something. A colleague got test results that are not good regarding her um, female system. (more red, okay?) I’m waiting to bleed. Red. Weird.
Can I confess something? As much as I want a positive result, as much as I want to see two lines tomorrow, as exciting even my dream-positives were, and as scared as I have been (either outloud or not) I’m just as scared that I AM pregnant.
That’s ridiculous, right? I mean, I’ve been so focused on “What if I can’t conceive?” I’ve not really thought about “Holy shit, what if I CAN!?!”
What if something goes wrong while I’m pregnant? What if I fuck up the kid when it’s born? What if i was wrong, and I’m actually a HORRIBLE MOTHER? What if I drop the baby or get into a car wreck or leave the stove on or leave the bleachpen in the tub or forget the baby in the car one day?
OH MY GOD! What am I THINKING to want a baby?! All I really want is ice cream, or to break into our Reese’s Halloween Candy stash that is hidden in the locked garage. And a nap. Grownups have babies, NOT ME!
No. I want a baby, I do. But it’s feeling really scary all of a sudden. And I AM a grownup, dammit! By this point in her life, my mom was pregnant with my sister and considered high risk because of her “advanced maternal age.” She delivered Kate when she was THIRTY.
Deep. Breaths.
I mean, it will probably be negative anyway, so I’ll have a month to regroup. Sigh.
Day 34
Nope. Still nothing.
As I said to persephone, “the only reason I have any hope for this month is that I was(am) so convinced that I’m not.” That may not make much sense, but it’s the best I can come up with.
Now that the dreaded 2WW has added a third W into the mix, I’m starting to edge towards symptom-watching. Right now, for instance, I’m tired. Super tired. I was tired last night and the night before, too, on Monday I fell asleep through the news hour. I forced myself to stay awake last night, because it’s only pathetic that I’m tired, certainly not a symptom of pregnancy! Because I’m NOT, right? And I had weird cramping last night, localized on one side of my abdomen, and more like a sharp pinching from the inside than the dull vibrations of my normal cramps. So it must be something I ate, right?
My one and only other 35 dayer, I started in the early morning of Day 35. I woke up from the sensation of starting. Tomorrow is Day 35.
In the lunchroom today, the teachers at the end of the table were talking about conception. I can hear these conversations from miles away, now, and the person talking to me turned into Charlie Brown’s teacher as I strained to hear the words that went around “…ovulation was early…. not really NOT trying…. this one we tried . . . . .”
Then, I worried that I looked too eager, even though I wasn’t looking at them.
Sigh.
In other news, I put my Snappity Graphics presentation on the lunchroom table last night. I half expected to hear people saying “good lord, did you see that hack’s ‘photography?'” but instead, people have been complimenting me all day. It’s weird, I have some confidence issues, I guess. I’ve seen several people taking order sheets, though, so it may make me a few dollars here and there. We’ll see.
Next question: Do I test tomorrow, Day 35, if I wake up dry? pros: it would be the best day to call in sick, and I would know. cons: I could still think “it’s too early” and end up buying retail HPTs this weekend.
You know which direction I’m leaning in.
Day 33
Nope. Not yet.
To recap, my cycle lengths, working backwards: 31, 31, 35, 28, 28. I’m at 33 and counting.
I had positive OPKs on Saturday, Oct 16 (CD23) and a lighter, but still positive, on CD25. By CD27, they were negative. I have no idea what they would have been before, so I don’t know if it was The Surge on the 16th, but whatever. We, ermmm, responded to the command of the OPK. So, let’s just say that that was the moment, which makes me 10 DPO today. Possibly.
Symptoms? I don’t think so. The letdown of the dream not trueness of Monday put me off symptom-watch for now. I keep expecting to start any minute, even now, I wonder if I’m starting. So far, my hunches have all been wrong.
And, in my haste/miscalculated ovulation date, I used up two of my three internet HPTs. I have ONE LEFT. I almost ordered a new supply for next month, but hesitated. I want to bleed first, and be sure. And I’m still not sure.
So, because I love keeping the internet apprised of everything that enters or leaves my vagina, I will either start bleeding sometime this week, or I will whip out the HPT on Friday morning. Maybe. I might wait til Saturday (again, I don’t think it will be an issue, since I feel NOTHING) because my housewarming is on Saturday, and I should really be at school the day before, since it’s almost all teachers that are coming. However, I have this notion that I don’t want to go to school if I test positive; I don’t know how I could conceal my excitement if I tested at 6:30 and was at my desk within the hour. My Plan for a Positive is to call in sick to work and just be excited and have a day of “I am SO EXCITED and also TERRIFIED!” before facing the unsuspecting public. Of course, there’s the dilemma of Friday coming and me being “Oh, I might as well use it up, it’s going to be negative anyway”, and if it was positive, THEN what? I HAVE to go to school. And try to hold it in. Oh my gah. That would be hard.
Either way, I’m pretty sure that this just isn’t the month. I feel like I have had an okay LP length (they say at least 9 days, and I’ve had that and then some), so I may have just stressed myself into ovulating a week late. I’ll remember that next month, and just keep testing til I see the OPK double line.
You’ll note, though, that I still haven’t reordered a stick-supply. Damn hope coals!
Four Things
1. Amy pointed out that I typed “son enough” instead of “soon enough” on my last entry, and wonders if it is a freudian slip.
2. Also, in my dreams, one of the pregnancy tests was odd, and I realized what it was this afternoon. While the first and third (I remember my dreams very clearly, and I do dream in color) were standard stick-tests, the second was weird. I realized that it looked exactly like my intuition razor. I realized it while recounting to Amy, who then burst out laughing: “your INTUITION razor? Jesus, Gretchen.”
3. My kids called me mom today, repeatedly. One of them was doing something that was borderline inappropriate, so I walked up behind him and tapped him twice on the shoulder, He stopped, and this led to the Mrs S as Mom discussion. “You’re a mom! You have mother powers!” and I kept saying “But I don’t have children!” and they said “WE’RE your children! You’re like our mom!”
4. I have not yet started.
Dreaming
We listened to the Sox game as we fell asleep last night, and when it was over, I couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned, and when I finally fell asleep, I dreamt of pregnancy tests all night long.
I took at least three different kinds of tests in my dreams, and all of them were instantly, undeniably, positive. After each positive, I did something that is part of my own plan of “what I will do when I find out I am.” I fished out the Misfits onesie and tossed it to Dave, and in my dream I thought “wait, I wanted that to be more ceremonial, not just ‘wake up, I’m pregnant.” I searched my house looking for the phone list to call the secretary to tell her I wouldn’t be in. I even thought — IN MY DREAM — about what I needed to email for sub plans, and was glad it was a Monday because that’s the best day to sub.
So, when I woke up, I went to the bathroom, started running the water for my shower and I dug out a stick. And I peed on it. And it was negative.
I wasn’t necessarily expecting two lines, but the dreams were so vivid and wonderful that I figured I’d give it a go. Today is my start day, or would be, unless I ovulated late (remember those + OPKs of last weekend?) and have a normal luteal phase. Part of me wants to just start, NOW, so that I know. And part of me wants to have at least another 3-4 days before I start, so that I don’t have to worry (obsess) about LP defects. And then there’s that teeny tiny part that wants today’s test to have been way too early, that the OPK and resulting actions of last weekend were the Golden Moment and I have another week to obsess.
Either way, seeing those lines pop up, over and over again, if only in my sleep, was amazing. I’m a very lucid dreamer, and it was just so REAL. And we were just so happy about it.
I was pretty morose this weekend, and Dave at one point curled up to me and said “Why so glum? Because you don’t have a baby yet?” and I agreed. I went off birth control months ago, February, I think, was the last time I used it. Most of the spring was spent abstinent, for medical reasons, and we didn’t start trying until June. But still. I’m ready, now.
Day 31
I was expecting my period to start today, but it didn’t, and then I realized today is only day 31, so I still have tomorrow to suffer through. That I have been feeling a moderate level of nausea all day is now annoying me. I was (am?) convinced that it was game over, but the gaggy feeling keeps stoking the hope coals. Grrr.
In other news, I spent today working on snappity graphics enterprise. Yeah, I could have done ONEMILLION other things: laundry, correcting, raking, etc, but instead I wanted to get my web presence established, and put together the album for the teachers’ room. There are always booklets for other teachers’ second incomes (Avon, Pampered Chef, Creative Memories, and my favorite to make fun of, Princess House) so I imagine it’s okay to put mine in there. Instead of a markered up post it slapped on, though, I spent TIME making a cover for the album using alphabet stickers from Target’s scrapbooking section, photo corners, little labels, etc.
I also spent time using up that third weblog I have been reserving. My default page is now the snappity page, and I am waiting for my domain to start pointing to it. (www.snappitygraphics.com) My domesticated blog (the parent-safe, boring one) is still gretchen.typepad.com/home, but it’s just not the default setting anymore.
So, there are the details on what’s new here. Not bleeding, feeling gaggy enough to NOT want to make cookies, and pursuing a creative outlet of the non-fetal kind.
For Agnes
The first band I ever loved was the Indigo Girls. Amy’s brother, Jason, had gotten their first album for (from?) his Evil Girlfriend, Jessica, and Amy stole it and brought it on a band trip, I think it was. I can’t remember if it was CD or cassette, but I remember learning the words to Closer to Fine right away. I think that was the year I got my first CD player, and I remember going to RecordTown to get my own version on CD.
Day 30
Also, another sign I am definitely not pregnant: I watched ER this week, and while I was horrified at watching that mom order her two little girls to jump out of a second story window, and I had to close my eyes repeatedly, I did not cry. As I said to Amy, “ER Pregnancy Test Results: One Line.”
I added a link over yonder, BugMeNot.com is a great little site that gives you generic logins for sites that need it: newspapers or image-sharing sites (ofoto, etc). Very clean site, and so useful. I love it!
Feeling very morose today. I was supposed to call Angie (or was she supposed to call me? Hi, Angie!) and instead I have done dishes, changed the trash, listened to Indigo Girls loudly and workied on grad school stuff. My housewarming is next Saturday, and I’m hoping to tackle the Sewing Room soon, but honestly? I don’t wanna.
For one, I want to put my sewing stuff in the basement when I can reveal the True Purpose of that back bedroom. Setting it up to throw my mom off my trail seems like a waste of energy, you know? If I just ‘put it off’ for a while, well, I won’t have to move all that crap twice.
And, now I feel sickly again. I wonder if it was the Cream of Wheat, or the Veggie Sub? Hmmph.