I have no reason to worry about tomorrow except for general fear/PTSD/etc, but if y'all could send some good vibes my way around 8am EST, it might lessen my anxiety about the ultrasound. Will prob post a cryptic twitter update with results.  Honest to god, I swear, half the reason I want this to stick and work out is so that I never have to fear miscarriage again.

Starting to feel a little more pregnant. I took another HPT this morning (I had them, so why not!) and this one turned BRIGHT PINK right away, which makes me confident that my results tomorrow will be good. So, that's cool.

I tweaked my back yesterday which TOTALLY freaked me out, if you remember my week of being bedridden when I was pregnant with Ingrid, the back spasms, etc, it was that same spot, and not too terrible now, so I'm really hoping it was just a little warning bell to take better care of it, pay better attention, etc. but I was totally, totally freaked for the hour before it started to relax.

And finally, here's the thing — the history of our family journey was that we tried for a year, got pregnant, I miscarried. But just before that miscarriage, my OB (who is AWESOME) runs a thyroid test on all her patients, and mine came back elevated and she immediately put me on medication. I miscarried anyway, but then on the second cycle of trying — where both cycles were textbook 28 days, when pre-synthroid they were 35-42 days long — I got pregnant with Ingrid, which, as you know worked out.  This time, I had the IUD removed in March, had my thyroid checked, made sure it was in the prime range for TTC, and then we tried, and on the 2nd cycle, here I am. Because this time has been so much… quicker, I think we are both kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. But if you take out that time before being treated for hypothyroidism, if I'd always been treated, would I instead be the person annoying people like me (and so many others) at a party saying "GAWD, Dave only had to LOOOOOK at me to get me pregnant!" You know? If I think of it that way, with the divide between pre-synthroid and post-synthroid, I feel much more confident. But, y'know, still nervous. The idea is starting to settle in, and I really hope this works.

Yep.

And even with a subsequent successful pregnancy, the miscarriage PTSD is still there. I called my OB office ASAP this morning, to get the beta/TSH/Progesterone lab orders faxed over, and the scheduler had me book my first two appointments. Wait, really? But, then again, the odds are always that it's more likely to work out than not, right? But, still. And I keep poring over posts from September, 2005, trying to figure out if I'm more or less pregnant, or was I just noticing symptoms more because I had literally NOTHING ELSE to distract me (hadn't yet started my GA-ship, no 3 year old, etc), and trying to keep in mind that even though this would be really excellent timing, if it doesn't take, I need to trust that there's a reason, and the timing for a good pregnancy will always be good. Right?

So, yeah, had the beta, etc, drawn at 1, followup on Saturday, and hoping the numbers are good. I really, really want this to work.

(I also can't believe I haven't updated in 2 months, I suck, but I'm the Twitter all the time, but my status is not being revealed or discussed there at the mo', as I am public there and a'twitterin' with coworkers are IRL friends, etc. But if you want to keep up with the rest of my boring life, it's there.)

So. Yeah. Hey.