We had the childcare meet & greet today, and it was interesting. I mean, I like everything that they are saying, and I LOVE that they are so close, and that they are NAEYC accredited and all of that. They are clearly doing everything right. But, of course, that comes at a price, and they will be the most expensive in the area — $165 a week. holy motherfucking shit. I mean, the average is 130 around here, and the previous most expensive was at the Tent Revival church (150 a week) but, hot damn, that’s a lot. It goes down at 11 months, to $150 a week, and for whatever reason, that seems more reasonable than 165. I don’t know why. It’s just 60 bucks a month, but that’s like, our phone bill.

When we left, Dave was like "How is it better to have you working?" Which is sort of bittersweet…. ideally, I’d like to keep staying home til Ingrid’s a year. It would mean not having to fuck with pumping all day long, it would mean continuing to go to storytime and such, and it would just feel right. But, we also, you know, need some cash. We’re still living off of savings, on my end, and my night job will be picking up really soon beyond the one 4-6 hour shift a week I’m getting now. I’ve also applied for permanent part-time (I’m seasonal right now) and there’s grapevine murmurings that that’s a Good Thing, so I’m feeling confident I’ll at least have that job lined up. And I’m okay with working nights for longer, I really am, if it means more income than outgo, on top of being here for most of Ingrid’s waking hours. It might be kind of tough, as it goes on, but… we do what we have to, right?

The plan is now to ask to be kept on the waitlist, and to wait until Ingrid’s a year before looking for daytime childcare. And in almost all ways, that’s ideal for me. Except… I feel a little lost at what to do AFTER. I mean, I value education intrinsically, but I also feel like I need to make my graduate degree work for us, beyond just being a cool accomplishment. I don’t want to classroom teach, but I’m not sure I could afford childcare if I did anything less. Moving is not an option for us, so where will I end up, here?

It feels weird to be working a fairly menial job, with a master’s degree in sight. But teaching, man, that makes me sweat a little bit, too. It feels very either-or, right now. I wish that we had the finances to have it not be a question. I’m envious of the people at storytime who have the shiny cars and perfectly dressed kids, and who are obviously so TOGETHER and so PERFECT MOM, whereas I’m just feeling my way through everything, trying to finish my degree, trying to think about what kind of job I will have, and trying to even figure out what I need to make to make childcare affordable. It just feels …. deflating right now. I’m stoked to stay home withIngrid, I really am. But I wish our financial situation was one that was determined, in some way. 

Sigh.

An addendum on the "WTF, no voting?!" thing — people get passes, because I totally understand that sometimes the best laid plans fall through, etc. What this guy does though, is PLAN to NOT VOTE. DUDE, my SISTER VOTES. If my SISTER can figure it the fuck out (and in COLORADO, ferfuckssake, not MAINE, where the state and city bend over backwards to make it easy to vote…) than you can, too.

Yesterday we went to a book signing at my job, where the former president and grandson of the company’s namesake as signing copies of his new book.  I wrapped Ingrid up and took her, and she loved it (so many people! HI!) and when we got to the table for the signing, I had him sign it to my dad (excellent holiday gift!) and his wife started asking about Ingrid, and it turns out their grandson was born on the very same day, so we discussed what milestones the respective babies had hit, blah blah babybabybaby. I didn’t even TALK to the author, and felt a bit like a heel, but then! THEN! I go home and look through the book, and in the photo section in the center, is a picure of the dude FLYFISHING in the STREAM next to which I GREW UP. So if I hadn’t been baby-brain-fogged, I probably would have noticed that BEFORE the signing and said "hey, this is for my dad who lives in this place you obviously have been to." But, no. BABYBABYBABY.

ANother cool thing, while I was there, a woman from LaLeche League walked by and saw me and said "HI! Guess where I’m going!" and gestured at her Deluxe Black Tote which was obviously a breastpump…. and then, the coolest thing, she said "When you said you were working here and that you could pump, I applied!" SO, my "I’m going to set an example, dammit" mentality for pumping at work, regardless of the sort of awkwardness, PLUS my "LLL needs to have some folks in there that are a little less dogmatic, dude" combined in a really glorious way, I think. A nursing mom is now working p/t, because she CAN pump, and because I stuck out LLL despite my initial recoil of it seeming like you had to be 100% AP LLL SAHM OMGWTF? all the time, there’s now another mama who is doing a little of both. And that’s kind of cool.

TOnight, we have our parent childcare meeting – they will draw for the 8 (EIGHT!) infant slots this month, and create a waiting list after the initial spots are filled. I’m really okay with NOT getting a spot, but I hope we have a good spot on the waitlist, because we *WILL* need childcare for much longer than we *WON’T.* If that makes sense. And, the older she gets, the more slots there are — 8 slots to 11 mos, 12 for 11-24, and so on… and she has GOT to be near the top, since we signed up within hours of the sign being hung. But, you never know…

And, yay, blue! Today is the first day in YEARS that I feel a tiny glimmer of hope, politically. Go, voting!

Last night suuuuucked, with Ingrid hurling 2 bellyfuls of milk on me, the first in the glider rendered her sleepsack unusable, so I tucked her into bed, where a few hours later she did the same thing, only this time with more choking and sputtering! And seriously, WHY does the puke always flow toward mama? Really, though, those just-fed pukes don’t bug me near as much as the "I ate 2 hours ago" puke, which happened this morning, and made me run a damn WASH to try to get the smell away from me. I hate milk, I hate curdled milk, I hate milk so much that I make DAVE taste-test Ingrid’s bottles for lipase. I won’t even taste my OWN milk. ANd that curdled milk that comes up after 2 hours in the ol’ gastric passages, oh, god, I hate it.  Just-ate milk is like a knocked over glass (though the gagging blows) but I’ll take it over curdled ANY DAY.

Yeah, we did it. Both a) tried YouTube and b) fed her rice cereal.  And that whole ‘rice cereal makes babies sleep’ is scientifically not proven, and also, anecdotally unproven as well. She had cereal before bed, and has been up 3 times. Sigh.

We’re gearing up for solids here, and may even start a little sooner than 6 months, after doing (of course) a shitload of internet research. Since Ingrid is exhibiting every cue listed anywhere for solids readiness, well, um, maybe we should crack into the rice cereal.  She sits independently (Sidenote: is ‘independent sitting’ when she can sit on the ground and not topple over, slump, etc, or does it mean ‘gets into sitting position from lying down?’ Damn multiple meanings of the verb ‘sit!’ Either way, she does the former.) she has doubled her birthweight, she lunges for food (as evidenced by her interest in Uncle Andy’s curly fries at Nicky’s just now) she senses when she’s full when she’s nursing, blah blah blah.  We both want to be here when she has her first solids, which is silly, but one of those milestones, and that won’t be til Sunday, maybe. And while 6 months is the recommended guideline, everyone (even Sears) says to watch the kid, not the calendar, and even if I get squirrelly about the calendar, she was due May 12, so starting Nov 5 is really like 5.75 months, right?  Anyway.

One of my sadnesses about it is that, damn! I have made this baby so big! She started as 2 cells, and is now this 16+ pounder with ticklish thighs and belly rolls when she sits! And it has been ALL ME. Adding in even rice cereal, just for the texture/experience and not even nutritive value is the first step away from me, and it feels a little like clipping my prize-worthy giant eggplant frm the vine. If eggplants grow on vines, which I think they do. It feels goofy to be sad about starting RICE FUCKING CEREAL, but, thre you go. I’m sure the first day of Kindergarten will involve a valium and a beer, at this rate.

1) Totally Geeky, but I am soooo freaking happy that Amazon has finally worked titles into their product URLs, because it’s been a pet peeve of mine for ages to see "I’m reading this book" and have the this link to Amazon, with a URL of randomly generated letters and numbers.

2) Ingrid has this book (Ha! Okay, it’s called Sweet Dreams), and it’s a taggie book, but of all the strategically placed tags ON the book? Which one does she choose to chew on? Yeah, the actual tag. Of course.

3) I think that this book will be my new baby-gift book from here on out, as it shows all kinds of families, all kinds of feeding, all kinds of carrying, etc. Of course, this pisses off the conservative christian wingnuts, which makes it an even better book to own. It shows a 2-mama family, and 2-daddies, and that’s cool, as well as adoptive families, multicultural families, and even babywearing!  It’s also cool with the breastfeeding thing — I don’t like the breastfeeding books that are all "mama makes breastmilk! and if babies don’t get it, they aren’t loved and will be C students, if they are lucky!" — and this covers just about every possible baby situation, without making any specific family or choice seem freakish. It’s great. And it comes in the flavors of Hardcover or Boardbook.

So, after posting about needing to update with the uni childcare, today, I got an email from the new center opening right around the corner, the one that name drops Montessori and Piaget and Emilio Reggia.  Subject line is "CenterName  Invitation" and my heart skipped a beat, and the email started with "Dear Centername Families," and goes on to invite us to a meet&greet, where we can ask questions and hear more, and blah blah blah. It sounds informational, but if we’re a "centername family," then does that mean maybe we’ll get one of the first spots? I mean, I applied within HOURS of the sign being hung, and I may or may not be on the priority list instead of the public list, but even if I was on the PUBLIC list, I’d have to be near the top.  My other options have priority/public lists, and I’m public for both of those, and have been on there for AGES. The center in town that has a public list has people on there that haven’t even conceived yet, and I am so not kidding. I’m no longer technically* a student, so I’m on the public list there as well, but damn, I have to be in the top tier of the BRAND NEW PLACE’s public list.

Having childcare THAT close would KICK. ASS. I’ll figure out work around it; shift to days, move to subbing, whatever. Dave wouldn’t even have to stop to drop her off, just slow down a bit, it’s THAT convenient. Cross yer fingers, ey?

Also, Ingrid is so tall, she’s figuring out how to pop herself out of her Bumbo. (Almost, we are attentive parents and won’t let her, of course. We’re starting to consider high chairs — I like the idea of the Graco Contempo, or the Chicco Polly — that standing slim fold is tempting. We don’t really have enough chairs to do a booster, easily, so we really need a chair. Oh, and we have no IKEA. Any recommendations?

I bought the other stocking. I’ll spirit it away until it’s required, but the votes of not-eldest kids really convinced me.

And! AND! Ingrid totally survived her first restaurant outing. The closest thing to a restaurant outing was the time that my coteacher took us to a deserted pizza place (like, 3 on a Tuesday afternoon or whatever), because with the weather, we did a lot of takeout picnics and such. (And also, shoutout to Andy, who has been just about the best childfree friend a new mom could want, including sushi-on-the-waterfront suggestions WITH INGRID.)

Today, though, my cousin was flying in to drive my aunt back to Florida, and so they, my parents, and my aunt’s friend were all in town, and wanted us to join them for lunch at… Bugaboo Creek. Now, if you don’t have it, apparently it’s like the Rainforest Cafe (which we don’t have) in that there’s lots of animatronics and shit like that, that  I don’t like, But, my aunt really likes it, and was on her way out of town, so it’s her choice, cool. Also, my cousin is 50 years old, and the next youngest at the table, and my aunt is 75, I think, so in addition to my own anxiety about baby’s first restaurant, I also felt a sort of generational pressure to have a ‘good baby,’ since it’s been a looooong time since any of them have had babies at the table. Plus, by the time we went, I knew she’d be hungry, and while I’ve nursed in public, not quite THAT in public.

And, of course, because of our party, we got seated at a big round table in the center of the section. Ingrid had her first highchair experience, which she liked well enough (and liked enough that I could use both! hands! to eat my sandwich) and she DID get hungry, but hot damn, I latched her on like no one’s business and she ate away, and I don’t think anyone noticed except the people at my table.  And then she got tired (OMG, they all ordered a post-meal coffee, and I thought I was going to hyperventilate!) and she fell asleep on my chest, and I had a little fleece hoodie with us, so I sort of covered her head with that to buffer her from the outside world.

Anyway, now? I totally want to go to Chili’s or something. Especially since she can sit in a highchair now. It’s like another door just slid back open in our world.

Ingrid’s always been a pretty decent sleeper, never got days and nights mixed up, can be put down drowsy, doesn’t ever nurse to sleep, unless she’s been sleeping. (Nursing is definitely a wake-up thing, not a nurse-down thing, here…)

Until recently.

When she was teething, she had two crazy nights of heavy nursing, but then slipped back to her more usual early am, and later early am, feeds. Not a huge deal. But for the last ten days or so, ho.ly.fuck. She’s basically started to reverse-cycle a bit with as many nursing sessions at night as during the day. And if I were gone from her for a significant part of the day, I might not be so anxious to right-cycle her back, but my very part-time job means that I am away from her for a max of 1.5 waking hours, and she gets maybe 3 bottles a week, and she has plenty of access to me during the day.

Her naps continue to be short, 3 or 4 with a duration of 20-40 minutes each, which sucks for ME, because that is not a time that I can really get anything DONE, you know? So, we now have A Plan. Part 1 is "crib for naps," which went fine for her last nap. Before, she was napping downstairs — on me, then in her swing, then on the couch, then on a mat on the floor… but now, the crib. And that’s okay.

The second part will be more challenging. We have been served very well by following our instincts here, and will continue to do so, and at this point, my instinct is that she doesn’t need to have at me 5+ times a night, not when I’m RIGHT HERE all day long, and she previously didn’t need that much sustenance overnight. I’m not exactly into CIO, but I think we can move past MAWN. (Might as Well Nurse) For her wakeups, typically Dave responds first, re-paci’s her, she spits it out, and he comes to me and says "I think she’s hungry!" Again, served us great when she was waking at 230 and 5, not so great when it’s every hour and a half, because you end up with a fried mama and daddy, and that doesn’t fly either.

Operating on our go-with-the-gut philosophy, tonight Dave will be on soothing duty until midnight or so (depending on her last nurse — basically 5-6 hours, which I know she can handle) and then I’ll open up the dairy bar after that. I have no expectations of "sleeping through the night," really, just more of a "do your eating when I’m awake, mmkay?" shifting. As far as Dave’s soothing methods, it’s up to him. I’m actually much more able to let her cry now, than he is, but I feel like I have a good sense of what cries are serious, too. (The "Waaaaah [pause, wait to see if I hear mama’s footsteps, no? well then…]waaaaah!" cries are actually kind of funny, and clearly not life or death, and those don’t bug me. A baby who cried so hard she puked or whatever? that would bug.

Sleep is one of those hugely charged issues, like breastfeeding vs formula, so I hesitated to even post this, but I know that everyone deals with it in their own way, hopefully one that works best for them. And that’s what we’re doing here, what works best for us, hopefully. If I didn’t feel, on an instinctive level — not as the result of outside pressure — that this was the right thing for right now, I wouldn’t do it. That being said, if anyone has anything else to share (in a non-dogmatic, super-incendiary way) about how they handled such issues, I’m all ears. You can comment, or email if you want greschyaATgmail. Oh, and wish us luck, eh?

More pics in an October gallery on the left.

I’m C&P’ing this from onbe of my forums, because I wanted to share it here too …

"I just got home from my first LLL meeting. It is right after the baby
storytime at the library, so we zoomed over to check it out. Short
version, I’ll probably go again, but there are some eye-rolly things
about the event.

Long version —

Leader with 3 kids, age
8-2 or 3, seems very nice, homeschooler (which, like BFing/Formula
always sort of puts me in weird spot, having been a teacher), and the
other co-leader was on vacation. 3 other moms there — 1 with a 2.5
year old and 6 month old, nursing both, one with an 11mo old,
exclusively pumping, and one with a baby just 2 weeks younger than
Ingrid, then, of course, me and Ingrid.

The meeting started off
with this super lame word search, where we had to find words like
"MECONIUM" and then discuss why Bfing kicked all kinds of ass wrt the
found word.  I sort of slipped out of polite new member mode when we
got near the end, and the word "ORTHODONTIA" and the leader was all
kindergarten teacher and said "And what do we know about breastfeeding
and ORTHODINTIA?" and I said "That all their teeth fall out after
growing in sideways if you breastfeed."  The mom of the 4 month old
cracked up, but then I felt bad, but seriously. WORDFIND. OMG,
seriously.

After the wordfind, we discussed issues — the EP mom
needed help with her supply, and was talking about pain, and the LLL
leader suggested Lansinoh before she pumped, and I said "you know, I
foundit really gummy, but the <health food store> sells some
nipple cream by Mother Love that is GREAT" and the LLL leader got all
party-line on me and said "At LLL we only recommend 100% organic UPS
blahblah certified Lanolin." Oh, whoops. Whatever, I love the ML cream
when I need it, which is rare.   The mom of the 4 month old then sort of commiserated with
me about the gumminess of lansinoh, so I felt a little validated with
that.

The tandem nursing mom nursed in the room, both kids, and
the leader nursed her 2-3 year old, and I nursed Ingrid, but the other
mom of 4 mo old disappeared for a while, and I think it was to nurse,
which was sort of odd to me, but hey, whatever works. At the end, we
talked because she was interested in my sling, and Ingrid was fussy so
I told her to email me to get together so she could try them on, so I
kind of became a renegade babywearing recruiter. (No other slings
there, and they were all impressed by the KKAFP.)  And that convo led
to my bringing up my local mom website project, which everyone was
excited about, so it didn’t feel like a total wash. And I do support
the mission/cause of LLL, so I sort of feel like "even if I don’t
necessarily like it or get much out of it" (Seriously, a fucking WORD
FIND) it’s good to stand in solidarity for the cause, you know?

The other thing that I didn’t like was the term "artificial feeding."
I’m a big fan of the First Rule is Feed The Baby, and bottle/formula
feeding isn’t fucking FAKE, it’s still FEEDING YOUR BABY. "Artificially
fed" sounds like you’re trying to fake out the baby with one of those
magic baby-doll bottles or something."

So, yeah, I think I’ll go again, regardless. I sort of feel like I’m a touch too mainstream (I felt a bit like outing myself as an educator was akin to showing up with Crunch bars to pass around), but I’ve struggled with that before. I was really surprised that I was a slinging novelty, though, so maybe I’m just crunchier in different places. I also think that if LLL is always just crunchy hippies, mainstream moms will always feel like outcasts, and then, what mission is that serving, you know? It’s the same way I feel about nursing in public, if I get wiggly/nervous about it, I just say FUCK IT and figure I’m doing it for the cause, that if no one ever does, no one will ever see it, and it will never be accepted. IF LLL is only exclusive to the crunchiest of crunch, then why bother going — except to be a less-crunchy, but still proudly-breastfeeding, mom.

Storytime was cool, though, I walked in with a girl I student taught with, that I apparently hadn’t seen in AGES, since she now has an almost 1 year old, and we caught up for a bit, and another mom there was a sub in my room lots of times, and she’d been subbing some at that school and had seen pics of Ingrid, too.  Ingrid, again, loved storytime.

When we’re home all day and don’t go out, I can really see going back to work, that Ingrid would probably do really well in daycare, and all of that. But when we do go out? When we have a morning like today, where we have storytime and then LLL (where she first napped in the sling and then stared wide-eyed at the kids) and stuff like that? It’s so much harder to ponder.  When we left the library, my former classmate got into a big shiny Pathfinder, and she had talked inside that she was going to be a SAHM until the kids were in school (only one now, but obviously planning for another) and I was really struck with envy at that, as I got into my 9 year old uninspected Subaru.  I have NO idea what her financial situation is, maybe she’s up to her neck in debt, you know? But still, I was envious of her situation, at how… decided it was. Mine isn’t, not at all — I’m working p/t now, a seasonal job, even, and trying to figure out when to find the time to finish my damn degree… and if I got a p/t daycare spot, I could sub, I guess, but maybe my seasonal job will extend after peak, but.. I just don’t KNOW! You know? And as far as having  a second, I have ZERO idea what our situation will be then. NONE. At all. And here this girl is just home until her hypothetical second kid goes to school. I shared this thought with dave, in the spirit of sharing, not in the spirit of "You need to get a better job!" (and I told him that, outright), but yeah, it’s just hard not KNOWING how long this will last, what comes next, etc. I feel really lucky that I’ve been as at-home as I have been, but it’s so odd not knowing when it will really… end, or whatever. So odd.