Hey look! Chock full o’ baby, I am. This was the day of my shower, in the baby room we’ve set up. It’s weird, I have really, really big boobs, but they haven’t really grown with pregnancy, I’m in all my same bras (though, not underwire now) but it’s weird to see them look almost… small . .. compared to the belly, you know?

One of the things at the shower that threw me, was when mainegirl said "If you need anything next month, let me know, I have every other day off [sidenote, what a GREAT schedule. If I could get a part-time gig like that in a school? ALL OVER IT] and would be ahppy to come over so you can take a shower or whatever…" and I literally blinked, and was thinking "Uh, huh? What’s so special about next month?" until I realized "OH MY GOD, I’m HAVING A BABY NEXT. MONTH." (And what a great offer! I may very well take you up on that.)

In other news, my sister is being flaky. I know! I know, total surprise.  From the minute she heard I was pregnant, she said she wanted to come home and help out, which is great. She would be really good to have around those first few days, to help with taking care of us new parents, mostly. But, she has a dog, and I said from day one "What about the dog?" I think I’ve even written about it here, that we really, really can’t have a dog here — we aren’t dog people, we’re going to be dealing with a NEW BABY, and hello, our cat is a slow moving meatball to a high strung dog.  It’s just not cool with us.

Today, I talked to her, and she brought up the dog again, and I brought up the "Kate, really, we can’t have a dog here, I’ve told you…." and now she’s all offended (it has been dscussed over and over and over) and "well, if I can’t sleep with the dog inside, then I can’t stay with you," and I’m like "Well, okay then. We can’t have a dog here." So, whatever. Maybe my mom will come — I had said that I couldn’t have everyone stay here, that one person was okay, but not my whole family camped out in the guest room, with my sister sleeping in the hammock out back. (No, really, she’d do that. She’s, you know, Kate.)

Anyway. We’ll survive. So frustrating, though, to have this all sort of happen RIGHT NOW, when I’ve been SAYING for MONTHS that we can’t. have. a. dog. in. the. HOUSE. Is that a totally irrational request? I don’t think the dog is even a year old. Sigh. We’ll figure it out.

After all the angsting I did over a baby shower, it went off really well.

Dave and I worked all day yesterday on getting the upstairs ready, which involved lots of dusting and sorting and laundry and furniture moving, but by the time Amy showed up, the sewing room turned storage of babystuff and extraneous crafty material was looking like an actual NURSERY. Like, with a crib made up, and books on shelves and changing station set up. WEIRD.  Amy was a little surprised or whatever at seeing me, you know, PREGNANT. I last saw her when I was maybe 8w, not hardly pregnant at all, and now here I am with a big belly that’s MOVING and shit. It was cool. It was cool to just hang out with Amy as well, even if I was bone tired and had aching feet when she got here.

This morning, we finished clearing out the hall, I straightened up our bedroom, Amy worked on putting together the games and other stuff… my mom got here about 9, dropped off a boatload of food and stuff, and headed back out to the grocery store, and Amy and I went to HoJo’s for a quick breakfast. Dave worked on the lawn, and while we were gone, my mom came back with a glider for the nursery, that Dave assembled.  Yay! I’d registered for one, but figured we’d pull up the old LaZBoy that Dave has in the basement if we didn’t get one. 

Amy and my Mom went nuts on making everything look good, and our guests started arriving right at 1. The upstairs  was literally, model-home looking (SO RARE HERE) so I was able to show our house to people that hadn’t seen it before, or hadn’t seen all the changes we’ve done. Even my MIL went upstairs to see what Dave had done, she really likes the blog I keep for family, and said she’d read the entry on the hallway 3 times, and was so impressed that DAVE had done all of that.  While I was upstairs, almost everyone arrived, and I went up and down a few times to show the house and the nursery, etc. 

Amy did great with the games — even working in a "gretchen isn’t a total freak with the cloth diapers, yo" element by having a game where people were timed on how fast they could (cloth) diaper a doll, socks, mittens, hat, and swaddled, all while tucking the phone against your shoulder…. and the ILs were certainly taken by the Kissaluv, and sort of maybe had a better understanding that I’M NOT CRAZY by the end of it.  The other games were less intense — frozen baby ice cubes "because we know dave and gretchen are a little odd, so frozen babies fit right in" that when your baby was freed, you got a prize, a drawing to match whatever was on the bottom of your plate, you got a prize, and baby washcloths, folded up CD style, and whoever had the peanut butter inside, got a prize. BAsically, if you came to my house, you got a prize. And favors — amy and theboys made alll kinds of yummy glycerin soaps for people, my mom had bags of candy and little bulbs to plant as favors.

We got TONS of stuff — a few important things from the registry, tons of clothes, and none of them offensive, some yummy bath stuff… mainegirl hooked us up with so much Burt’s Bees Baby Bees stuff, that when I was putting it away, I realized I didn’t even OPEN one of the packages (so, thanks again!) — and my sister sent California Baby stuff, and Amy brought JASON organics stuff. the one thing I will see if I can return, actually, is a bath set from my SIL & niece, and even then, they really tried to consider me, i think, but the J&J lavender stuff bath set is probably a little too-too for my skin. (As far as all this stuff goes, the baby might be fine, but my eczema is worst in the crooks of my elbows, where I imagine I’ll be holding the baby on occasion, what with summer coming and all, so it’s really ALL ABOUT ME.)  But that was certainly considered, in that they didn’t even get the ‘normal’ J&J stuff, but they probably didn’t even think as far as more hypoallergenic than that, you know? Still, I might not take it back (hey, it’s the perfect gift for a baby shower! All wrapped and everything! Heh) but to have just one thing be ‘off’ is pretty good. My MIL got the monitor, one SIL got the bouncer (and made a white set of blanket, hat and booties) and the other got the mobile (in additon to the lavender stuff). My friend Jenne got me the Avent ISIS breast pump, with the explanation of "Well, I figured for Gretchen that the thing that was all black and looked like a torture device was the best choice." Heh. My friend Jess got us a diaper bag from LLBean; not the official diaper bag, but a travel bag that would work as a diaper bag, in a really nice cranberry red color, and then made 2 blanket and hat sets. My mom, in addition to the glider, picked up some other things, like washcloths and Aveeno stuff (see, I have this eczema? hahah) and some books, etc. Deb showed up with a cool wire and canvas hamper filled to the BRIM with clothes, some stuff (bottle brush, bowls, big ceramic piggy bank) and a dozen bleached prefolds.  Amy, in addition to all the help with the shower, and the house and all of that, has lent us her bassinet, then bought some sheets for it, and some clothes, and some organic baby bath stuff and had a book signed by the author.  She also had everyone write down advice for us as parents, which was really sweet — it was really nice to see what people had to offer.

Amy also played ambassador to the ILs, apparently telling them that while I seem a little ‘crusty?’ (was that the word, Aim?) I’m actually a biiiiiig softie when it comes to babies and kids, since I’d been there when she’d had hers… so that was an added gift as well. Oh, and the book was inscribed to "Widget Mylast," and so reading it out loud sort of sets the stage with "remember? baby gets Mylast?"  I’ll be posting a recap on the family blog, where I’ll probably throw in a "baby Mylast is so blessed to have so many people just waiting to meet it and love it…." Nice and subtle, and just STEEEEEEPED in "we’re all family no matter what the name(but the widg gets my name, no discussion.)"

The thing that was weird, was just — I’ve never HAD a shower, you know? Or big birthday parties, or other events wherein I am the center of attention. It was so odd to have so many people I KNOW in the same room, and yet, not be part of the conversation as I was opening presents. I’ve been a guest at showers many times, and always enjoy chatting to the people next to me, where this time I was the one opening while people chatted.  Normally I hang out with people one-on-one, so to have just a brief conversation with Jenne or Jess or whoever, despite them being in my HOUSE for 2 hours, and givingme GREAT PRESENTS, just felt — odd. I wasn’t NOT talking to people, i was just in the middle of things, and yet, distanced from everything at the same time.

I think the guests had a good time, though, we didn’t make them eat baby food from a diaper (AND YOU THINK I’M MAKING THAT UP, don’t you?) and the favors were things *I* would’ve liked (so my ILs were probably like, "where’s my stork themed ballpoint pen, anyway?") and the food was a good blend, and hey! there was cake!

My mom swooped out of here after the guests left, having to drive 2 hours back home and having spent the day working all day, and Amy stayed a bit later to de-tag all the clothes and sort all the bath stuff and take stuff upstairs, etc. Dave was still out at Matt’s, and didn’t get home til 7, so there was this weird few hours where I was all alone after a weekend of craziness. Dave gothome and was excited to see all the neat stuff, and he sat in the glider, with the boppy, and one of the Avent bottles from the pump set and a doll Amy’d left and was like "oh, I see how it all works now." And it was soooo cute. I’m a sucker for a cute husband practicing baby-holding.

I have a ton of laundry to do, to get the baby clothes ready, and we still have to fill in some blanks, but we’ve gotten some gift cards and giftmoney that will help with that. I’m going to go down to Portland for one last hurrah next weekend, to hang out with Amy without crazy-get-ready-for-baby-shower-ness going on, and to see the boys, and to have some motherly advice to take to BRU to finish out what we need to be Totally Ready.

Like you can ever be totally ready, right? Anyway, wow, we’re going to have a baby.

It’s just so WEIRD, this part. I’m so tired, it seems, all the time. I’m at school right now, two cups of tea into me and could just PASS OUT at my desk if I allowed myself. And yet, i’m getting so excited to get to the end of the pregnancy part, and start with the parenting part.

The weather has been glorious, and I remember anticipating this spring, last fall, and how it would be such a great time to have a baby. The weather this week ismaking that all the more real to me. I wonder if any of the bulbs I planted last spring will pop up this year.

Yesterday, I met a local mom from ADL at the bagel shop, which was very cool. It was the first in person, local conversation I’d had that I didn’t feel like a freak. She is using a sling with her 4week old, and apparently gets lots of comments, and one of the downtown shops (that really, I thought would know about them since the one wrap I’ve ever seen in use was on one of their former buyers…) apparently wants to start stocking them after seeing it in action. It was also neat to look at the litle 4week old and think that I am really close to having one of those myself. It seems so far off and weird and surreal, and to be at the bagel shop as such a …. grown up — me, all pregnant and the mom with her tiny baby, as opposed to the way-back days of hanging out in a large group of high school kids that may or may not be skipping school at any given moment.  I also got the scoop about the hospital, and that there’s at least one great nurse, and one annoying night nurse. 

After the bagel shop (mmmm), I went to the Y for the aqua class. I was sort of dreading it, the warm weather had me feeling hot and sticky (HOLY SHIT, am I glad I’m not pregnant in the summer…) and the pool is always soooo warm, but the thought of weightlessness for an hour won out. Amazingly, the pool was cool and refreshing. Not that they’d changed the temperature, but just that the relative temperature to outside or the individual or whatever makes it just-right. After the pool, I ran out to get my mom’s birthday present, and ended up crashing on the couch for a half hour or so, until my parents showed up at the door. We went and got my mom a new digital camera (hers, whichis exactly like mine, went haywire over the weekend and she wanted a smaller one anyway, but it now has me all paranoid that my camera will die at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME ever. Of course, I would imagine I could probably get hooked up relatively quickly by my dad. BUT STILL. PARANOIA.) and then took her to dinner at the Texas Roadhouse, where, I hate to admit it, I actually enjoyed the food. I evenhad — gasp! — steak. I last had steak in, oh, September? When we told my folks about the widget? and before that, yeaaaars ago. Anyway, the steak was good, and the house salad was really one of the best house salads I’ve ever had. usually they are limp white iceberg lettuce and some carrot shavings, but this had great greens and tomatoes and hard boiled egg and cabbage, and YUM.  My folks took me home, Dave came home from his dinner out with friends and we hung out a bit before his gaming night, and I went to bed relatively early.

Today, i was supposed to teach one of my prof’s classes, as he was supposed to be going to Penn State for a conference, buthe had to back out when he had a major plumbing emergency at his house, so I’m here, in a windowless room on a gorgeous day, trying desperately to stay awake. I have class tonight, and tomorrow I have a GD appt, but my numbers are really good (steak, salad, and steamed veggies are GREAT for the GD diet, apparently…) so I hope I dont have to argue too much with the nutritionist.  I also plan on running some errands — getting groceries, getting my oil changed, cleaning out my car and maybe vacuuming it (there’s still pine needles in  the cargo area from our christmas tree….) getting the dishes done and such… and then Amy will be arriving to help with the baby room, which will be SO WEIRD, and again, making it feel like it’s coming at me like a train. The shower is Sunday, which I’m looking forward to, and from that point we’ll know what we need to buy ourselves. That sounds sort of greedy, but that’s how it is. My wedding gifts were luxuries, nothing we needed, but stuff that replaced or supplemented what we had. We NEED onesies, you know? And a swing and packnplay (and now ten people will say, "no you don’t!" but the one piece of advice Dave got at work was "GET A SWING," so for him, we NEED it, and for us, the PNP is to be our downstairs baby station, since we don’t have a bathroom on the first floor, etc, I NEED a place to plop the baby when I’m running to the bathroom, or changing laundry, or what have you.).

I also want to get to Portland one last time before the widg arrives, to see Amy’s boys, to have one last night away, alone, and for one last run to the real BRU, just in case there’s something I can’t get here.

Oh, and then I hve to finish all my school stuff, too.

Good lord, i just want to nap.

Yay! UMaine is in the Frozen Four. As the most unlikely hockey fan, ever, this makes me happy.  Of course, watching the game the announcers from the regional ESPN channel that was being fed to the local station were obviously incredulous of Maine’s victory — they beat the #1 East seed, Michigan State, but really, when the score is 4-3, the right words are "Maine is leading" not "Michigan is almost tied up!" Maybe it was like "oh, shit, our script is all fucked up, this was supposed to be All Michigan!" Anyway, yay, Frozen Four, and we got to watch the victory with time left to spare to get to the hopsital for our last CBE class.

This class had the much-awaited tour, and that was neat. I was really surprised to see that the L&D rooms were so …. small. Like, that’s all the room you need for bringing forth a new life? Wow. Our bedroom is certainly bigger, and we have a small house.  Saw the ‘shower unit,’ which they hype on their website, and seriously? It’s a closet they turned into a shower that they stash wheelchairs in. If I want it, I’ll ask for it, but I was really hoping that their mention of the word ‘showers’ on their L&D FAQ meant that each ROOM had a shower… not the case. Hopefully, if I want a shower, I’ll still fit into the cubby that holds it.  The L&D rooms overlook the Penobscot, and the Waterworks (yay!, well, what’s left of them) but like I’ll give a rat’s ass what the view is when I’m there for real. They have birth balls, and squat bars, and there’s at least a bathroom in each L&D room.  We walked by the nursery and saw a brand new baby with lots of dark hair and heard about that, and then we visited a postpartum room. Unfortunately, all of the single rooms were occupied, so we saw a double — they put women into singles first, then start putting women in doubles, and only when all the doubles are occupied with at least one person do they start with roommates, so that’s good. I guess it’s fairly rare to have a full house, though. Postpartum rooms seem to have a view of the parking lot, and the Standpipe.

In the core of the floor are the operating & OR recovery rooms, and the NICU. The NICU is literally right outside the L&D stretch of rooms, and from the postpartum side, it’s all glass windows with curtains, and the eerie blue glow of what I assume are UV lights? coming through the fabric. Knowing what a NICU is intellectually, and peripherally of people who’ve had kids in it, it just made my stomach clench a bit in fear for myself and empathy for whoever was certainly in that eerie blue light behind the curtains.

I also felt, again, totally validated that I’m in the right practice. A woman due a few says AFTER me has already been scheduled a C-section, because the baby is breech. Well, so what? She’s 33 weeks pregnant, almost, was scheduled LAST week at 32, and given the option of delivering at 38 or 39w. She also talked about the other things that really bugged her about her doc, like that he never had time to answer her questions so she was always calling a friend that’s an NP to get clarification. and even said "I’m an educated person, and I can’t imagine what it must be like for someone who doesn’t have the resources I have…" I mean, scheduled C! by 32 weeks! In the discussion of breech babies, it came up that my practice is the only one that does external version, and I feel QUITE confident that I would never be scheduled for a C for a breech at 32w baby.

In other news, the hallway is doooonnneeeee. Pics soon, but the paint is up, the trim, the finish nail holes filled in, tape removed, etc. Next steps are to clean (de-dust) the hall closet, and de-dust the baby room and work on getting the last of my crafty/not-baby related stuff packed up.  Dave will put together the changing table this week, which will relaly be key in getting everything to fall into place, I think, because then I can get my diapers set up and all of our little health and beauty stuff (lotions & creams & stuff) sorted.

Tomorrow I present my seminar, which is, err, in progress. The deal is that I do my presentation, and then write a paper (due in May, like everything else!) with more details, and I definitely have enough for my seminar presentation, and have lots of great articles for my paper, so I at LEAST have that. I also find it fascinating, because I have found internet social connections so natural to create and maintain, and it’s not that I don’t think I am too shy or otherwise incapable of forming local social connections, but that it’s certainly hard to find like-minded people with my geographic limitations.  Especially when it comes to the advent of new motherhood — I’m sure, or hoping, that that experience in and of itself is enough to have a common ground, but all of our CBE classes have only really reinforced that we have pretty different beliefs than most of our peers — even the pregnant ones. Not that breastfeeding, or wanting to have the least interventions possible, or being anti-circ or any of that makes us BETTER or WORSE, it’s just … it makes me feel very much like I’m one of Them and they aren’t. Or vice versa.  I do plan on going to the local support groups, like the postpartum and breastfeeding ones, or LLL, but I wonder how many people actually go to THOSE, you know? Anyway.

Childbirth Education — check. Hallway done — check. Nursery arrangement on deck, shower next weekend, and it’s all downhill from there, right?

The Violent Femmes show was great.  Jenne and I drove over and had pizza at the Bag (yum) before walking to the show. My parents’ place is in the most convenient building to the hub of activity on the mountain, so it was literally a few steps away. We could have technically watched (and probably heard) the show from the locker room of their building.

The opening act sucked, and we both sort of wished we’d just waited til we knew the Femmes were playing, which, again, would have been an easy task — stick head out window, listen —  but alas, we didn’t. There were no chairs (i know! I’m old!) but there were stacks of them in the back, and I asked a guy if he could please get us two of them, the whole time, my belly stuck out and rubbing it. I haven’t used the belly to get shit done until that night, and it worked fabulously. I mean, who’s going to ask the Very Pregnant Lady at the concert to STAND? We sat through the opening act, but when the Femmes came on, we abandoned the chairs and worked to avoid wildly careening drunken ski bums. Oh, and I danced as best I could, which meant holding my belly with at least one hand most of the time.  It was great, the third time I’ve seen them, and a great Baby’s First Rock Concert,if I do say so myself.

I used the belly again to try to get out the side door after the show; the setup to get in was that we had to walk all the way around the base lodge to be admitted, but the side door is the one that looks directly at the locker room of my folks’ building, and you know, everything is covered in snow, I’m pregnant, etc. I asked the security guard if we could slip out the side door, and he said "NO!" and I did the stick-out-and-rub-the-belly thing again, and said "Please? I’m staying G-Village, right there…" and while I was batting my big pregnant eyelashes, other attendees just threw open the door and started filing out, so I guess I functioned more as the distraction than anything. It was cool, though.

We drove back the next day, and even took the time to find Wire Bridge, which is one of those things that I drive by the signs but never actually have visited. It was neat. Wood and wire, and we drove across and back before heading to Skowhegan and stopping for breakfast at a place that makes it’s own biscuits and donuts. YUM. 

Dave had primed the hallway while I was gone, and we picked out colors — a buttery yellow for the bottom of the chair rail, and a more neutral yellow for the top, which will (eventually) wrap around and through the stairs.  We had another CBE class at the hospital, where I realized I find the intervention videos make me cringe more than the labor/delivery videos do. Also, I find myself trying really hard NOT to cry watching all that hot, hot, birth action. Crazy what a placenta does to your emotions.

I’ve been really surprised at how mentally taxing pregnancy has been. I feel stupider. (see?) I feel like it takes twice the brainpower to do half the thinking or whatever, and it SUCKS, because I’ve always considered myself fairly intelligent. Feeling stupid sucks, especially as a freaking GRAD STUDENT.

Other than that, things are good. Dave and I are talking a lot about the postpartum period, and what we worry about and are trying to prepare for (PPD, mostly), and we both agree that May is probably a great time for me to have a baby. (Convenient, huh?) The improving weather at that time is always energizing, and Dave really wants to sling up the baby and get outside as much as possible — walks after work, etc — because we want our kid to know the outdoors. To that end, last night he even donated money to the fire department in exchange for tickets to a BFD/BPD baseball game that’s happening in June at the stadium 3 blocks from our house. (Plus, as Dave’s biggest fear in life is to lose everything he owns in a fire, he thought it would be good to have the FD know where we live. Heh.) I’m especially excited about that, because I’ve been wanting to go to a game over there since we moved here, but we never have as Dave is more of a homebody. I’m excited to see him already thinking of things to do as a family in the big world beyond our backyard. We have a great yard, for sure, and I can see lots of quality hammock time in our future, but we do live so close to cheap/free activities, I’m excited to take advantage of them.

8 weeks left?! Holy cow! ANyway.

Last night was the newborn care class, which was the best one so far. Dave found it especially useful, since the other classes are very mother-focused, and how he can support me through labor//delivery/recovery/breastfeeding, but the actual physical care is something HE can actually DO, just not cheer on.  He has no experience with babies, so he feels much better about diving in head first now that he’s learned to swaddle and change a diaper. Heh.

The instructor was GREAT, for us anyway, her motto was "less is best," ("Don’t get that 30 dollar plastic baby tub! You’ll use it three times and put it in the attic, use a rubbermaid tote! Or a dishtub!" Hee.) and she included homemade wipe solution and breastfeeding in that equation.  She even asked if anyone was planning to use cloth diapers, and Dave and I moved another step away from everyone else in the direction of ‘crunchy parents,’ when we were the only ones to raise our hands.

At this point, everyone in these classes I’ve seen elsewhere — last night there was a girl from the Y and her mom (her husband is in Iraq), two couples that are in our Sunday class, one couple that was in the GD and breastfeeding class, and us.  And in all those classes, we’re the only ones that are breastfeeding, aiming for unmedicated delivery, not circumcising, and cloth diapering. FREAKS! And it’s weird, because, seriously, Dave and I are not that crunchy! We don’t eat an organic vegan diet, we watch tv, we shop according to price and not principle, for the most part. But DAMN, compared to the rest of the pregnant population, we are like the Hemp Barons of the Queen City or something. So …. odd. I digress.

Baby care class had a doll about the size of a 4 month old to work with, so part of the class was to observe a newborn sponge bath on the maternity floor.  We all trooped up, and a family had volunteered their 2 day old daughter, Gracie!, who was all red and wrinkly and 8lbs, 13 oz of baaaayyybbeeee.  We took over the waiting room, and the nurse-instructor lady wheeled in Gracie, along with her 5 year old sister and parents, and we all circled round to get a good view. Gracie was so obliging as to actually produce an informative diaper — as it was removed we got to see the elimination of meconium AND urine, LIVE. The nurse also pointed out what to leave behind in a girl-baby, which was really good to know, as my recent experience has been with baby boys.  The whole time, the 5 year old big sister was right there, handing stuff to the nurse, just BEAMING with excitement. While Dave was all touched by seeing a tiny baby, I kept looking at Big Sister and remembering when Daed became a Big Brother, and I got all choked up, because now Daed is all BIG and shit, and in middle school, and his little brothers are big too!

We went back to the classroom to see a video and discuss other newborn care things. One was circumcision, and everyone there but one is having a boy (and we don’t know, but we doknow our position on circ’ing) and they are all planning on circ’ing, and the instructor did a whole presentation on "the AAP doesn’t recommend it, only 2% of the population of the world IS — the nation of Israel, and the US –, it’snot covered by your insurance so be sure you know that, etc" and then handed around a book of pictures of the procedure, and everyone was cringing… she was very obviously anti-circ "but, it’s up to you…" She asked if anyone had any experience caring for intact babies, so I shot my hand up and brought up that I couldn’t think of a baby in my circle of friends that was circ’ed, and from age 12 on down, none of the intact babies had had any problems that they say might happen.

On the way out, a couple that is taking all the same classes as we are asked us about the cloth diapering thing, with the ‘you’re so BRAVE!" and I did my spiel about liners and it being a financial motivation (the instructor must’ve CD’ed, because she laid out the expenses of disposables when she talked about the expense of formula), and gave her a few websites to look at. So I guess we aren’t TOTAL freaks, if someone else at least expressed interest…

You know, a lot of these classes aren’t new information for me, they really aren’t. People were asking about what kind of carseat they should get (and we’re all due in May), and I’m biting my tongue from being all "The Graco Snugride is the highest rated infant seat!  But you need to make sure it’s installed correctly for it to be most effective!" because I’m just SUCH a researcher, as you all know.  Dave felt he learned a lot about breastfeeding that he didn’t know, and saw what it looked like, which, I forget, he really hasn’t had any exposure to that, whereas I have seen tons of women nursing in front of me.  What I am finding, though, is that I’m feeling more at ease about the hospital I’m delivering at. I do wish they had tubs, dammit, but I feel like I’ve been steeling myself up to defend our choices, and that’s okay, I’m a stubborn woman. But the more I hear from the educators, who are also nurses or former nurses on the floor, I think that MY wishes will be supported completely, especially when it comes to breastfeeding and rooming-in. I’ve had this idea of all the nurses being owned by Enfamil and trying to sneak formula into the baby while I’m sleeping, and if anything, if I were planning on formula-feeding, I’d be feeling a little intimidated by the classes. Every instructor/nurse has been all about breastfeeding, walking the line of "it’s your decision" but adding "But even if you just nurse after birth, or for a day, just to get the colostrum, that’s a benefit… but it’s your decision…"  And with circumcision, two of the three educators have been very obviously anti-circ, and the third has older teen boys, so talked about it being unnecessary, but probably DID circ because that’s just what you did. That’s the vibe I got, anyway.  It’s just — weird, to find that we are allied with the hospital staff more than the other classmates, you know? And knowing that, it makes me feel much better about having to deliver there.

On a much, much lighter note, I set up one o’ them thar baby pools at expectnet. It’s in my Babyish links on the left, enter the name ‘gretchen’ for the game name, and have fun guessing gender, delivery date, weight and length and stuff.

FWIW, I actually HAD a gender dream, finally! I’ve had lots of monkey dreams, and dreamed of both genders, but all the other babies I’ve dreamed of were not MINE. i’m holding them, or putting them in a carseat, or whatever as through they WERE mine, but I know that they aren’t, And those dreams have involved both sexes. The last one was that I was taking care of the moominbaby, who is a girl IRL, butin the dream, was a boy, and either way, it wasn’t MY baby, I knew all the way through that it was M’s.

So, in my dream two nights ago, I woke up and had had the baby in my sleep or something. It was very odd. My mom was there, as was a baby in a bassinet, and I said "but, that’s not MY baby, is it?" and my mom insisted it was, so I walked over and read the wrist id label, and saw what it was, and what it weighed. I’ve told Amy (AMY, don’t spill, since I want to see what others guess) and Dave of course (but he doesn’t wander this way) but other than that, I’m just interested in what the internet thinks. My family and Dave’s family thinks BOY, in a big way.  Uni people think boy because I’m carrying high and because I’m carrying low. (Seriously, got that pair of comments in ONE DAY.)  All of the "answer these ten or so questions about cravings and headaches and stuff" quizzes come out, I’m not kidding, 50/50.

So, go ahead, guess!

Last night, we had the breastfeeding class. It was 99% boring, and almost a total wash, IMO, because I’m listening and thinking "Well, DUH. I KNOW that already." It was more than 2 hours long, with a video, and then a lactation consultant repeating everything that was said in the video, with a few hospital policy tidbits thrown in.  The pros were that I got to hear/see one of the hospital’s LCs, who is not only certified, but exclusively nursed all three of her kids for at least a year.  I think it was good for Dave to hear that it isn’t automatic, and takes practice, and that when the baby needs to feed in the hospital, it will probably help mom to relax if visitors are sent away for a while. (Um, not Dave, but our families and such. Dave gets to stay, but I can see him being the rational voice at the time, ushering people out with a "try back in an hour" command or something.) 

I’m really anxious about that 12hr window of visiting hours.  I KNOW that people are excited to see the baby and stuff, but I’m just already feeling protective of that time, or whatever. I know that I don’t want to call people when I go to the hospital, because I don’t want a crowd waiting to pounce on us when the baby is born. I’ve been on the other side, though, waiting just outside the door when Amy had her first, and driving like hell from Western NY when she had her second, and visiting asap. (Amy, you’re obviously excluded from this call/not call/no visitors thing) I KNOW the excitement, but I just don’t want to feel like I have to perform or produce because people are tapping their feet elsewhere.

I’m starting to flesh out my birth preferences, which are pretty basic and not too militant — or, don’t seem to be militant now that I know more about hospital policy. I’d like to be able to move around, use the shower and birth ball, and avoid continuous monitoring. I’d like to avoid medications, etc as well. I want the baby skin-to-skin and at the breast ASAP, and I want it rooming-in with me. I don’t want the Hep B vax given in the hospital (it’s one that I’m planning on declining, as we keep all our used needles in the TOP cupboards here), and if a boy, we don’t want a circumcision. I would like a visit from the LC to check on us (which may be standard? I wasn’t sure on that) and that’s about it, I think… as far as music or lighting, I don’t know, maybe I’ll fire up my iPod and bring that, and lights have switches, right? I want to keep it fairly simple and basic.

I have my worries, too. I’m planning on asking my OB what the chances are that she’ll be the one to actually catch the baby, because the doc on call that weekend (I know, I know, first timers usually go 8days after their due date,but still) I’ve heard nothing but bad — maybe not bad, maybe others prefer it, but bad compared to my ideals — things about. I worry that Amy won’t make it up here in time (which again, is probably stupid to worry about, as 2 hours isn’t necessarily average for a labor, and even with arranging childcare and stuff, I’m sure she’d make it in time). I worry about positioning of the baby, size of the baby, etc, or going to the hospital at my breaking point, and finding out "oh, you’re 1-2 cm dilated, go home!"  I worry about my funky nipple screwing with breastfeeding — it’s healing well, but I worry about the scar tissue screwing things up.

But then, I realize that no matter what I plan, or prefer, or worry about, ultimately it’s not entirely up to me. I can try my damnedest, but I can’t guarantee anything. One of my LJ friends had a baby a few months ago, and I followed the treatment of her baby’s jaundice, something that happened despite her (undoubtedly) doing everything ‘right.’ In the past few days, she’s been using her LJ to update friends and family of one of her friends who just had a baby, another person who seems to be one that did everything ‘right,’ and yet the position of the baby necessitated a c-section, and the baby needed to go to a NICU in another hospital while mom recovers in the hopsital she delivered at. I read that, and my heart just ACHES for all of them — I worry about visitors interrupting my time with learning the baby, and I can’t imagine how devastating it must be to not even be in the same building, and have the worries that come with NICU care, and I am devastated for her partner, because I picture Dave in that situation — trying to juggle the two most important people in your life while they are at two different hospitals, oh, it just makes me well up. (M, I’m really keeping your friends in my thoughts over the last few days, despite not having any idea who they are IRL, so know that even strangers are pulling for them.)

I think of that, and everything else pales in comparison. My worries seem so trivial, because I just can’t even fathom what the bigger unknowns could be.

I was really hesitant to take the hospital childbirth education (CBE) classes, but they were the only ones offered, and they were covered by my insurance. I figured that at the very least, I would get a tour of the maternity floor, and it would be good for Dave. While I didn’t necessarily learn anything new, I do feel better about the decision to do it.

The instructor is very subtly pro-breastfeeding, pro-unmedicated birth, etc. I definitely got that vibe, even though she was careful to explain the other options. There were some stupid things she said, for sure, like "Okay, guys, I know it’s SUnday, and if you need to check the scores of a sporting event during break, there’s a tv across the hall!" and a few other stupid things like that, but I can imagine she says it because people ask.

After introductions, Dr Leo came in to talk to us. He’s a local pediatrician that is very into making your baby as smart as possible. He has a website that I won’t directly link to, but is at brilliantbaby.com.  (You should check it out, if only to laugh at the irony of a man obsessed with intelligence not having the smarts tohire a professional web designer and/or proofreader. I get that English is his second launguage, but REALLY. Also, on the sales flyer for his new self-published book, ‘Baby Math,’ he had two prices listed in two different places, so it’s either $15 or $17, but definitely "Less than the cost of 3 hamburgers or one sneaker!" SERIOUSLY.)  Dr Leo does a thing on Dave’s station’s morning show every two weeks or so, and he IS passionate, but unfortunately, about halfway through his spiel I was able to pin down who he sounded like. Unfortunately, it’s Pepe Le Prawn. The Muppet. "You count with the baby, okaaaay, you say "Baby! one! One ! One! Clap!" okaaaayyy." I was trying SO HARD to keep it together, and I did, but goddamn, it was a LOT of cheek biting.

At the break, another dad came up and was all "DAAAAAVVEE!" Dave had worked on a show for him, when asked what he’d been up to, the guy said "Selling cars and wrestling." Heh.

I think I’m the only one that asked questions, which were answered well:
"Do you have a wireless monitoring system?" — No, but intermittent monitoring is standard, because it’s better to labor upright and moving.
"Can we restrict visitors?" — yes, tell the nurse and they will honor your wishes wrt visitors. (When Amy delivered there, it was a year or so after a newborn was kidnapped from the floor, so security was INSANE for a few years, including a total of 3 hours of visitation a day, which frankly, almost sounds more appealing I think.)
"What do you mean by ‘shots and drops?" — Erythromycin and Vitamin K.

The nurse educator talked a lot about gravity and positioning in birth (as a positive thing) including all fours, squatting, etc… she tempered it with a "now, this might soundreally strange to some of you…" but I think she knew her audience. ANd that’s where the real "oh, I’m a freak…" feelings came in. There were 7 pairs there. 6 couples, and a mother/daughter. All different ages, it seemed, but all due in May. The things that were weird were like, "who plans to breastfeed?" My hand and one other went up. "Formula/Bottle feed?" brought out 3 more hands. 2 couples were undecided. Really? WEIRD.  All those having boys were having them circumcised. About half were asking for the epidural during the video.  It’s not that there’s anything WRONG with those things, and hell, I have no idea who these people are — maybe they aren’t nursing ebcause they lost their nipples to cancer or something, I truly don’t know. But I definitely felt like the weird hippie parents, and we aren’t *that* hippie-like.  I do wonder how the breastfeeding class will be, since everyone THERE will have at least considered the concept, right? ANyway. I left pleasantly surprised, honestly. There was even mention of the Leboyer method (she didn’t say his name, but I knew what she was talking about) so yeah, I guess i was glad it wasn’t "Oh, you’re here at EMMC, we don’t like stretchy vaginas, so let’s discuss C-section aftercare!" Maybe I worry too much.

The other event of the day was that dave continued work on the hallway. It was ready to be sanded, and Matt had said "it’s messier, but quicker, to use a powersander."  KNowing it would probably create dust, Dave sent me out for the day. SInce I couldn’t think of anything ebtter to do, I went to Target to stock up on postpartum supplies. Of course, OF COURSE, after I’ve loaded a damn cart with underpads, two different sizes of maxi pads, witch hazel, stool softener, breast pads, nursing bras, I hear a couple that works with Dave talking around the next corner. Normally, whatever, I know them because they are on tv every night, but they don’t recognize me on sight, BUT, this is the couple that A) she worked with Dave at the last station, B) we rented their old apartment out in Levant, C) They just moved to our neighborhood based on Dave’s recommendation, D) I saw him on the baseline at EVERY tournament game, and he was always very nice and courteous and asking about the baby and stuff. So, I know these people.

I rearranged the stuff in my cart so that the nursing bras were on top (she nursed their twins for quite some time) and turned the corner and kind of did a driveby "hey! how are you!" and didn’t really stop to talk. Because, HELLO, my cart was the sum total of EVERY EMBARRASSING THING you could buy in Target. Sigh. After that, dave still wasn’t done, so I went to the mall and got a smoothie, but my back and hips started to huuuuurrrrt, so I went to the dollar store, where I scored some plastic baskets to corral all of our supplies in the coming months. I plan on having a nursing supply basket, and a diapering supply basket, etc, so that when I need say, nipple cream, I can say "get the green basket." ANyway. Reaaaallly hurting by then, so I went through the carwash, picked up an rx, and went home.

Where I found one of the most stressful situations of my pregnancy.

3:45 pm, class is at 5, my husband is entirely covered in white dust. Now, he’d taped off the upstairs, but it’s sealed off for winter, and anyway, a thin film of white dust throughout the downstairs living room. Upstairs? Even worse. The bathroom, coated in white dust. Everything in the linen closet our bedding, the walls, floors, EVERYTHING. White dust. I did not freak out. (Well, out loud. Jeanne got an…. earful? of OMFG typed message over ichat) Holy. Crap.

Despite that, Dave took a shower and was able to get us to the class on time. We got out early, and I have wiped down the downstairs, and he’s working on the bathroom. Literally, floor to ceiling coated in white dust. Like it SNOWED or something. He’s working on the whole upstairs, really. It is SUCH a mess. I don’t even think that opening a window would necessarily help, it would prob just pull the dust into the rooms more. I don’t even know where to begin with cleaning the floors. It sucks. BAD.

Dave feels awful, too, I mean, he hasn’t even saved TIME by doing it this way instead of wet sanding, once you factor in the cleaning we have to do to recover. And with my asthma/allergies, on TOP of being very pregnant, he does feel really, really awful about it. But still! ARGH! Why didn’t he STOP when he realized what was happening? I very rarely bitch about Dave, I very rarely have reason to — but the situation upstairs is so frustrating right now. And I thought I was overwhelmed with the need to organize the baby room. (He hasn’t even opened that door yet, so who the hell knows what that scene is. It. Sucks.)

To recap:

CBE, not asbad as I expected. Postpartum supplies purchased. I may have to sleep in the dining room.