I must say, I love the internet.  You know I do.

Days like today, though, the internet gives me amazing support when I open the screen, and when I want to just be alone and curl up under the layers of feathers and flannel, I can do that without making excuses or needing to explain.. I just close the screen, and hide.  To some, that may seem weird and antisocial, but it’s just right for me.

At this point, I think that I’ve either experienced a chemical pregnancy or a cyst.  I was SO GOOD about waiting to test until I was officially late, and there ARE lines on the tests, the first one broader than the second, but definitely, I got 2 lines, twice. 2 faint-as-hell lines, for sure, but they are there. I am not crazy.  Mayne they’re evap lines, but that doesn’t explain the 10 days (and counting) late period.  The only non pregnancy things that can cause that would be a chemical pregnancy (making me wonder if I had jumped the gun and tested early if I would’ve been on this train for longer) and ovarian cysts.

My doctor was really disappointing.  I waited at home for more than SIX HOURS to hear back, and when I did, it was a nurse, who had this information: "Dr. S says to wait another week and take another pregnancy test."  To which I said "What? But I had a negative blood test, yesterday, and I’m now ten days late…. I’m not even concerned about pregnancy at this point, but my period being so late and NOT being pregnant. . ."  The nurse sort of stammered and said "Well, ahh, wait a week and test again." What the fuck EVER. I really feel like my chart, the message, etc were not read thoroughly, and it pisses me off, frankly.

I’ve been sort of ho-hum about the group anyway; it’s convenient, because Dave’s doc of forever is there, and my original PCP is there, and the plan was to stay there with the DO who does "Family Practice with OB," out of convenience, mostly.  She seemed nice when I talked to her this summer, but fuck, I need to feel like my concerns are being heard.  If I were a frequent flyer, I’d be okay with a nurse brush-off, but I only ever go to the doc when I have a damn good reason to, and aside from a routine pap in August, and the cryo situation in March, I’ve been in ONCE for an office visit due to an immediate problem, until now.  I just feel like that should give me some credibility, you know?

I’m going to try to call Jess and ask her about her OB again.  She’s recommended her a million times, but I figured I was okay with the DO, but damn, I want to be called BACK. And, since it’s an OB/GYN practice, I presume that there would be well-educated nurses as well, who might be able to say "hey, you’re right, testing again in a week after a negative BETA is stupid, let me have her call you back."

Also, selfishly, I think that Jess’ practice does ultrasounds in-house, and if I do get knocked up, I could get pictures earlier. Not so much for the photo album, but I read about seeing heartbeats and think that that shit is COOL.  It’s not a matter of insurance acceptance, or being closed to new patients, so I think I need to go for it.

So, thanks internet (and real lifers who have been so supportive, too).  I appreciate it. 

The title says it all.

I called in to school today, because I decided that no matter what the answer, I wanted to be home to process it.  The lab tech had said to call for results, and the office opens at 8.

I started calling at 8, and kept getting the answering service.  By 8:30, even the service operators were saying "I don’t know what’s going on, they usually start taking calls at 8. . . ." Of course.  The Today Show featured all the things babies need, and then did a spot on grandparents.  When I finally got through to the lab, I got a voice mail service, asking me to provide a whole bunch of stuff, and that my provider would call back in 24 hours. TWENTY-FOUR HOURS?

I waited a bit, talked to Amy, and called back to see if I could reach my doctor, or someone, because I needed to know.  I got the lab, who told me it was negative.  The lab person said she didn’t know how to transfer back, so I waited a bit and called back, and am now waiting for my doctor to call back.  Even that was a debacle, because I had seen one doc up until my last pap, and the doc I saw at my last pap is the one that I would see if I was pregnant, and finally I just told the recpetionist "Look, either one, just one of them, please, I just want to ask about the whole late period thing."

Then I emailed Dave, with a "Negative. I’m Sorry." and that’s when I cried.

Fucking A.

And also? No fucking period.

I didn’t actually see my doc, I only met with a lab tech who did a urine test (negative, but it was at least my 6th or 7th time peeing that day, so . . .) and a blood test, with results tomorrow. Fuck. Fuckety Fuck.  I really wish I knew. I hope when I call for results tomorrow I don’t get too upset at a negative. And, if it is a negative, where the fuck is my PERIOD?

Anyway.  I do have Breana’s dream to ponder:

In my dream I had all this stuff to help people who are TTC
(like HPTs), and since I’m not trying to get pregnant, I was
all, ‘What the Hell am I going to do with this?’ So I got
really giddy and started boxing everything up for you,
because I figured I could save you some money. And I called
you to get your new address and you said, ‘Well, I don’t need
that stuff anymore,’ and I about flipped out. The dream
changed shortly afterwards (something about post-it notes
stuck all over my gas heater starting a fire) but I woke up
thinking, hot damn, Gretchen’s pregnant! Sort of strange,
don’t you think?

I called the secretary to have her find a sub for the second half of the school day tomorrow, because I have class in the late afternoon, and I think I deserve the afternoon to go to my doc, right? Right.

So, the latest is that I am not bleeding. Nary a drop.  I also am feeling like total ass, to the point that I sort of gagged in the shower, and swallowed quickly, but for the girl who hasn’t vomited in NINE YEARS, it was the closest I’ve come.  I actually spun around and started drinking the hot water to get the taste out of my memory. I then put on my robe and curled up on the bed and fell asleep, when Dave woke me up I had to ask him to stop rubbing my belly because I felt gross.  He just smiled and said "Well, maybe you need to get used to that feeling . . . ."

I just went out to a client to try to help with an un/reinstall of NAV on his computer, and it didn’t work so i didn’t charge him, but I felt (and still feel) nasty and gross and hot and YUCK.  The thing that sucks is that there are so many reasons that I should be convinced that I AM pregnant, especially when you read back and I was convincing myself before my period was even due . . .  but the utter lack of a definitive positive HPT, and even conflicting results, is killing me.  To recap, I have nausea, appetite weirdness, smell sensitivity, fatigue, and you know, NO PERIOD.  I also have 2 tests with very faint faint lines.  The test line in each ‘positive’ test is the same color, it never darkened, however, the control line on the second ‘positive’ is lighter than the first . . . so was the overall urine intensity less this morning? If I had reversed the tests, would today’s faint line be darker? You know?  I also don’t have breast pain or enlargement, but I am a DD, so they are already big, and any tenderness I have is not the ungodly tits afire pain that I’ve heard described.  Maybe I’ll fell a quick, dull ache (noticed that when driving to the client’s) but what does that mean, really?

I’ve had some weird dreams, last night’s was about Dave and I bringing home a box of kittens from the grocery store, and one was terribly sick, and I was freaking out because A) wtf? We don’t WANT more cats, Fat Kitty is our one and only, and B) how can we even AFFORD all these cats, and C) if that one is sick, what do we do? We don’t even know or like these cats, so are we supposed to pay exorbitant vet fees to keep this kitten we don’t even know, alive? And D) what if whatever the sick kitten has spreads to FK, and when was her last set of shots anyway?

Do we really need to go into deep interpretation of that dream? I don’t think so.

And finally, behind the cut is an email I sent to my dear Persephone, who so patiently puts up with my "It’s  a SIGN!" nonsense.  It is so fitting that SHE becomes The Sign in the story below, and reminds me once again that the Internet is a small, small place.

(And, as I’m writing about signs, a tv character is talking about pregnancy pregnancy pregnancy. Sheesh.)

Continue reading →

No bleeding.

HPT looks just like the first one, thin line after 15 minutes, with the added twist that the control line is much lighter than the first control line.  So, does that mean if I had used test A, that the thin line would be darker, because the lines are relative? Or is it just an evap line? (I don’t have the packaging to know the exact times of testing.)

What I DO know, is that I am still not bleeding, and that I am going to call my doc tomorrow. Sigh.

CD Fucking FORTY THREE. Not a drop. Not a smidge, not a hint of a tan spot. NOTHING.

However, Amy confims that YES, there was a line on that first HPT, so I can scratch "hysterical hallucination" off the list of "things to worry about."  New plan, testing tomorrow using the same brand as the one that had a line before, and if nothing happens by Tuesday, I am calling my doc. If there is no line tomorrow, and no blood by Tuesday, I want a blood test for piece of mind, and reassurance that being over a week late doesn’t mean ectopic pregnancy or early menopause.

My trip to Portland was great; got to have some good best friend time, AND watch some cable.  I don’t want cable as much as I want Tivo, really, but watching old Wife Swaps and Da Ali G Shows sure is easy when you have a DVR.  When we took D to swim practice, the humidity of the the pool deck and the sound of the high schoolers kicks (thud, thud ,thud) made me nauseous.  I woke up with heartburn, again.  I’ve been having cramps ALL WEEK.  I’ve made countless runs to the toilet thinking "Aha, THERE it is . . ." only to find . . .  nothing. At all.  Sigh.  I also was able to smell a dirty diaper at Amy’s, and her kids’ Stink Blasters had me pulling my shirt up over my nose and mouth.  Amy insists that it’s not normal for me to smell that well.

After leaving Amy’s, I headed to Freeport to do some shopping.  I needed to get slippers for Dave, because there is no substitute for real shearling slippers.  I stopped in at the British Goods store, since it’s never open when I go through, and got way too excited to find Violet Crumble, my favorite candy ever, discovered in Australia and last consumed in Phoenix.  At LLBean, I got Dave’s slippers, a new Nalgene, some Hot Chillys pants, and a new tri-clip carabiner key chaing.  On my way to the car, I saw a place I’d never seen before, a puzzle and games store, and found the elusive Rush Hour expansion packs and another ThinkFun game, Square by Square, and everything was 40 percent off, so I got all that for less than 20 bucks. Nice.

By that time, it had started to snow, just some thin, dry, flakes here and there, but I wanted to get home before it got too bad.  It didn’t start swirling around the ground until about ten minutes from home, so I got home just in the nick of time… to find that Dave had cleaned the house, and done ALL the dishes.  He also had lit two of our citrus candles, and the place smelled SO. FUCKING. GOOD.  It still smells good. Mmmmmm…..

One line, no period, no snow day. Grrr.

I may still call the doctor, since I am so late, but I just want to get the next cycle started if that’s what’s going on.

Sigh.

So, it is now day 39.5. No bleeding.

My cycles for the last five months, counting backwards, have been  36, 36, 31, 32, & 35 days.  The average length is 34 days, and my longest ever has been 36 days.  So, I’m late, right?

When I was cleaning out the cupboard the other day, I found 2 HPTs stashed in there, probably hidden away when my mom was visiting. They were AccuClear brand, and not the "early detection!" kind.  I decided that I would pee on one this morning, just to jumpstart my period.

I had to pee starting at about 4am.  (Note, I never have to pee during the night. That’s Dave’s job.) I tossed and turned, trying to hold it until I get up (about 6) but at just past 5:30, I couldn’t wait any longer. I HAD to go.  I wobbled towards the bathroom, grabbed the test, peed on the stick with just the nightlight to guide me, and slid it back into the foil wrapper and threw it away.  I got that last 30 minutes of sleep, and got up for the day.  I hadn’t forgotten about the HPT, so I pulled it out of the trash, out of the foil wrapper, and saw . . .  something.

It wasn’t a bright pink line.  It didn’t whistle at me. It was a shadow where the line should be. It went from top to bottom, and was the width of the test line. But it was so, so faint that in my just waking, I had to rub my eyes and really look. But no. A hint of a line.

I took a shower, pondered, ate my oatmeal, felt sick (Oh, before getting out of bed, Dave was rubbing my belly and it was making me oogly, but I didn’t think too much about it til later) and checked again, more alert. Yep. A . . . something. Like a ghost of a line. Hrm.

I went into our room to wake Dave up.

"So, uh, I may or may not be pregnant."  He sat right up. "What does that mean?"

I explained that I tested, and there was a  . . . something, but it wasn’t definitive. And I read it after I should have, so it might be just. . .  nothing. But it’s rare for there to be nothing and still have any hint of a line. But, just, but . .  anyway, I had to tell you before I hit the internet for advice."

"If the line isn’t dark . . .  does that mean there’s something wrong with the baby? If there is one?"

I laughed at him, and went to work.  I posted on kvetch and Digs, looking for similar tales, and got several.  I called Amy, who was really groggy, and then I got an email from her later in ALL CAPS apologizing for not quite GETTING WHAT I WAS SAYING HOLY FUCK YOU’RE PREGNANT!  I decided to test again in the afternoon.

I didn’t pee or drink after noon, and we were able to leave as soon as the kids did because of a storm bearing down.  I stopped at Brooks and got a 2 pack of First Response.  I peed on one at about three, and there was no line. At all.

I curled up in my bed and took a nap, and woke up to Oprah’s "Miracle Babies" episode. I don’t know which is worse, admitting that I am afraid I’m not pregnant and I’m going to let the Internet down, or admitting that Celine Dion made me cry. 

I posted the afternoon results on kvetch, and someone replied to say that the same thing had happened to them, faint lines in the morning, no lines in the afternoon. I’ll test again in the morning.

The negative, though, only reinforced that there WAS a line on the am test, however faint. Comparing them side by side, there is an obvious difference, and I am not completely crazy.

The reasons I might be pregnant:

• Well, there was a line.
• Longest cycle EVER
• The smell thing continues
• The boobs are sore, but they always are before my period, it’s just more extended this time.
• Queasiness
• Fatigue

The reasons I might not be:

• It could be an evap line
• It could be a chemical pregnancy
• It could be defective
• I could just be adding yet another string of days to my cycle
• I could be queasy from the anxiety of work and TTC or the flu
• Because I got too excited over a faint as hell line

I don’t know. I want to be! I really do, you know that! I’m afraid that if I’m not, I’ll feel like the girl who cried zygote.  I just don’t know what I am?! ARGH.

I’ll keep you posted, but know that if it’s negative tomorrow, I’m going to feel like the biggest dumbass, ever. Sigh.

Persephone, I don’t know how you do it.

I can’t sleep. Gah.

and I’m obsessing over pregnancy symptoms.  Dave is with his mom; she came home from the hospital tonight, and her doctor wants her to have someone with her 24/7 for a week.  Dave took the first shift, and this is my first night in our house alone, ever.  I’ve spent many nights away at other places while Dave stays here, but it never works the other way.

I’ve found a really cool due-date calculator, though, here.  What’s cool is that it has milestone dates as well as the Big Entrance date.  Anyway, yeah, I’m a’dying up here.

I also updated the perpetually empty Wedding album on the left there.  My navigation in Wedding and Shelter is f’ed up, though, so clicking on next won’t reveal all the pictures.  (I’ve already sent a help request to tech support, come on TypePad, prove your wonders again, and fix it! Whooo!)

Yeah. Wedding pictures, and I’m home alone. . . . . or AM I? Argh.