Dave is working a freaking 14-16hr day today, the poor guy. Worked from 8-5:30, no lunch, went straight to campus to do the hockey game (7-1, go Bears!), and back to the station to finish up his day project….. and has to BACK to campus tomorrow to do football. Football is the gig he hates with every fiber of hisbeing, propped up on a scissor lift behind the goalpost, unable to move, thus, freezing his ass off when there’s weather. poor guy.

I was visited by my SIL and MIL this afternoon, and SIL brought a bunch of clothes (which, some have sigh, butt-ruffle) and was excited to see Ingrid, since this one hadn’t seen her since she was 3 weeks old. ANd yes, they live in the same town.  Then, later, my OTHER SIL stopped in (she of the babysitting last week) with more clothes for Ingrid, these ones a little more my speed, and also to tell me that HALLELUJAH, Christmas Eve is at her house this year and NOT at MIL’s house. On the flip side, they drew names for christmas and I got my nephew’s like-a-wife, AGAIN. I swear, it’s my punishment for not letting her crash our wedding (we didn’t know her, they’d hardly been dating a few weeks, and just.. no…) Guess who’s getting a giftcard to A Certain Outdoor Retailer?  Also, Ingrid ‘got’ her daughter, so guess who’s getting books? And not a sippy cup full of a fluid that could be antifreeze, based on the color, but is considered ‘juice?’

ANd finally, I’ve been playing with PSElements for a few days with the wedding pics I took, and I uploaded them at shutterfly, for a separate level of privacy, but if you know me well enough to know my primary email addy/screen name (and most of you are) they can be found at that.shutterfly.com if you want to check them out. ANd if you don’t know that, and REALLY want to see them, email me.

Things are looking up. The wedding was great, Ingrid did FINE, and lord above, she even took a bottle from SIL, and took one last night from Dave without hesitation, so thankfuckinggod on that one. (To counter the lipase issue, I just ahve to nuke the pumped milk for 30 seconds before storing. easy peasy.) I also got some great photos and have been tweaking them and really liking photography this weekend, which is easy when you have access to the D70. Good god, I love. that. camera. I fantasize that my folks will give me one as a master’s degree/christmas present, which honestly? Is my main motivation for school right now. Yeah. Not "completion of a goal set 6 years ago" or anything, but "ooh, D70! D70!" I’m keeping up with my regular class, but my practicum is suffering badly. I kind of don’t feel *too* bad about it, because there are people in my practicum group that have been attempting to get it done for like, 4 semesters now, and they don’t even have KIDS, let alone an infant, a job, and no daycare. I’ll be on that fucking stage in May, no doubt. And once school pix season slows down, my mom is coming to spell me, so that I can do a full bore work-on-shit in daylight hours, no less, session.

Dave and I did get some weird sinus-y thing this weekend, prompting Dave to miss a few hours of work, even, and rescheduling a shoot — something he’s only done once before in the 6 years I’ve known him, and we fared okay, but I lost a school work night in the mix, after giving up a work shift to work on school stuff, even. 

The upside is that on the way to the wedding reception, I saw a sign going up at a building right around the corner, and on the way home, I just about pissed myself to see that the sign was advertising a new childcare center, scheduled toopen in January 2007. It even had — gasp! — a WEBSITE. I plugged that URL in as soon as we hit the front door, was totally excited to see that it was basically my dream situation (and literally less than a MILE from our house — the only center on the west side, which, even in a small city like this, it MAKES a difference. Seriously. Having it be on the way to work is so much better than driving all the way across town and back before work, and this would be on the way to Dave’s work, which is much more established than my situation now, so extra good.) They also are having a priority list for certain employers, and while mine wasn’t expressly indicated, it was in the drop-down list of employers when I filled out the form.  I’m also going to pass on the info to Dave’s HR person, because seriously, a west side childcare (that appears to rock) would be a great perk for the company.

And, I’m kicking ass at work, which really isn’t that hard for me, so I feel kind of silly being like "OMG, I am the BEST at eating candy" or something. I’ve been monitored 3 times now, and every time the QA people are all "Um, well, you did awesome. The end." WHich just makes it that much more possible that I can stay on after the seasonal run, and work my way into oh, I don’t know, maybe a training position? Using my degree in a non-public school environment? Keeping a great discount, working close to home, and DID I MENTION CLOSE TO DAYCARE?

Or, I could stay on nights and do the handoff like we do now,  but really, the older Ingrid gets, the more okay I am with childcare for her. As long as it’s quality, and throws around words like "montessori" and "emilio reggia" and "attachment" I’m down with it. Also, INCREDIBLY GEEKY SIDENOTE: The company that this childcare is affiliated with? Is the one that GOOGLE uses. If it’s good enough for Google, it’s good enough for me.

More pics coming soon, but Amity is jonesing, so here’s some baby crack:

Ha! i kill me.

1) My school stuff. My school stuff. My school stuff.

2) Lipase abundance has fucked us over.  Basically, we attributed Ingrid’s bottle refusal last week to teething, when in fact, it appears to be lipase related, and now she won’t take a bottle of ANYTHING (we even broke into the emergecny formula) for love or money. Which leads me to…

3) My SIL is supposed to sit on Saturday, but fuck, a hungry Ingrid is not a fun Ingrid. On top of the general stranger anxiety that is likely to ensue, since my SIL has only actually seen her a handful of times.  AND, on top of SIL’s assumption that we can just "tell her when she needs to eat and sleep when we drop her off" which, to my paranoid mind, leads me to think that SIL is expecting an eater and sleeper, and not a really pissed off 4 month old. And that location doesn’t matter, but, I think it really does, since all of Ingrid’s STUFF is over here.

4) and the wedding, oh fuck, I’m supposed to take pics, but they have hired a pro, thank god, so if I HAVE to, I bail. But Dave will still be working all day, and I don’t go (and this is so pathetic) I don’t get my horseradish and dill salmon. Or to be a grownup for an hour, Or to be a photog. Or to be anything other than Boobie Mama.

5) School. DId I mention school? Yeah. School.

On the upside:

Storytime still rocks. I need to figure out the transition from "storytime is over, how can we be friends now?" but that’s cool. I’m also going to an infant massage class on Friday, led by the local doula queen. I emailed her for info, and sly me, I emailed from my local mom email address, and included a sig line highlighting my local mom website, and she fell for it hook line and sinker, and thought it was way cool. I don’t know why I’m being so coy about it, because I am making zero money from the prospect, but I DO want it to get Out There, and the more people I reach, the more it gets out there, and the more connections I can make.

Beer? Is awesome.

Also, I’m kind of liking this rug….wool pile should be fairly soft, it’s neutral, but busy enough to hide puke stains, but not dark enough to show every cat hair ever, and also a modern feel, no? Also, NICE PRICE. Will still check out a few more places tomorrow, but then I might crack and buy that one.

Also awesome, seriously, my husband and daughter. I’m a damn lucky girl. Stress, lipase, and rug indecisions and all.

FatKitty is diabetic, and $227 later, we have a supply of insulin (and syringes, and a sharps container) and prescription food. The vet knows that answering that question of "but, how much will it cost?" with "oh, $3 a day" is the way to get you to keep going — smokers pay almost twice that, daily, to support a habit, so what’s a little kitty insulin, eh? Sigh. We gave her her first dose tonight, and fed her immediately afterwards, so I hope it works. Basically, we’ll reassess when we near the end of this first supply of stuff. I was initially worried about the every-12-hour thing, but the vet, and handout we got, says that they will do okay without it for 2 or 3 days, which makes me feel better — we can still go to the mountain for the night or whatever, and she won’t DIE or anything. Also? FatKitty now weighs 11 pounds. Um, that’s SIX less than in February, and 12 less than her all-time high, when many of you folks out there first became acquainted with FK. That’s alotta pounds to drop. (Ironically, today I hit the 6lb mark with my 1/2 assed WW mission.)

In other, bigger news? INGRID HAS A TOOTH. It popped through today, and I was feeling for it all day, but it was actually in STAPLES, of all places, that I felt that little razor-like sliver. I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to tell the difference between tooth and gum, since gums are pretty hard, too, but OH, I CAN NOW. Bottom, front, on her right. And the left doesn’t look too far behind. That broke through at 4months and 3 days, for the record.  No more gummy grins! Sob.

Fk has had some adjustment issues, since Ingrid arrived, but nothing endangering Ingrid… just, pooping next to the oil tank and not in her box, being ferociously hungry, and even — gasp! — losing weight. But, this all started after we brought home the new baby, and as far as the baby is concerned, she’s fine.  A few days ago, though, she started sounding really loud on the stairs. We finally observed her yesterday, and it seemed like she just couldn’t get traction with her hind legs, so I did some googling and internet questioning, and what I found pointed to feline diabetic neuropathy, an effect of diabetes. I called the vet, he called me back, and said that almost certainly, she’s diabetic. We’d tested her in February, and it had come out okay, but the vet said they can slip in and out of it, so she could’ve been out of it when she was tested, but when they get neuropathic, it’s there to stay, and we needed to bring her in. 

Today, we go in at 2:40, and will hopefully get some answers about the financial costs and quality of life issues for the cat. We simply can’t afford an expensive maintenance treatment, and that sucks, but she’s 12, andhas given us (and dave before Us) a lot of good years.  We’re really sad about the possibility of having to make That Decision, and keep joking, darkly, "well, we could wear black pants again… or get a corduroy comforter…."

The thing is, I thought that if she could hang on until we had The Baby, making the euthanasia decision would be easy. Pets aren’t kids! Once you have a kid, your perspective shifts, and the baby cat is now Just a Damn Cat, right? Well, of course we love Ingrid differently, but FK has been so good with Ingrid, and Ingrid has recently discovered the cat, and is fascinated by her. And FK has been so docile with Ingrid; we often hold Ingrid up to her to pet her, because she loves the fur, and she might grab a handful of neck, or a paw, or ear, and FK could care LESS. She just takes it and we release Ingrid’s grip, scratch FK’s ears and everyone’s happy.

If we decide to euthanize, it won’t be today. We’d probably take the weekend or so to love up the cat, and get some pics (okay, totally tearing up even considering it!) and do it next week or so. We likely won’t replace the cat, because of my allergies, because we have a baby and all of that, so it’s just fucking sad. Sad sad sad. I’ll keep you posted.

On a happier note, here’s my most recent video of Ingrid, and that’s my disembodied, slightly stuffed up voice sounding foolish in the background.

LookitIngrid!

One last thing on TPB — Jeanne asked me how I didn’t have a purse, and I described what I do carry — a bifold wallet, and my keys, but even my keys are on a carabiner, and I clip off only what I need for that specific task. For instance, if I’m going to the store and Dave and Ingrid are going to be home, I clip off, and only take, my car keys. If I’m going for a walk, I clip off only my house key. My carabiner is the best thing ever, it actually has 3 separate clips, and it’s in a circle shape, so one section is for my house keys (House key and garage key on single ring), one is for my car keys (my car key, Dave’s car key, and my remote locker on single ring) and, when applicable, a single ring for work keys. I don’t attach grocery store cards or the like to my keys, because it makes it too fussy. So, yeah. The Metro should hold my keys and wallet + diapers (and even my little camera, I think) pretty well. And I realllly want it. Which leads me to the point of this post….

It’s my first day. I start tonight. I’m nervous, in some ways, not about the job (puh-leeze) but about leaving Ingrid, pumping, etc. I tried to stock up with pumping this weekend, but I really doubt I have enough for tonight with my meager 8 oz. I also think, a day too late, that I need bigger horns for my pump, because pumping effing HURTS me. And then it hurts when I nurse, which has never been an issue after the first week or so. Some research has led me to think that it’s the horn size, so I’ve ordered larger ones, and maybe/hopefully that will help. The 8oz I eked out was HARD WON, let me tell you, but also the pumping was on top of feeding on-demand, as opposed to replacing a feeding, and anytime I replace a feeding, pumping is much easier.  What this all leads up to, is that I’m pretty much resigned to the fact that formula will cross Ingrid’s little rosebud lips at some point tonight, and I’m okay with that. For the most part.

When I quit smoking, I knew that if I had ONE puff of a cigarette, it was all over for me,so I’ve spent the last five years consciously not taking one puff.  It’s all or nothing for me, and I KNOW that.  For whatever reason, I have this fear that formula will be the all or nothing of feeding for Ingrid, and that when the can is cracked open, across town, my breasts will somehow KNOW and dry up. Completely and totally irrational, I KNOW. But there, still.

If the formula is cracked tonight, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will be tomorrow — I’ll be pumping a replacement feed at work, so my stash will be replenished, and when the new horns come in, hopefully that makes a difference, too.  And THEN, after this week of training, I will only be working half the hours, so I’ll be away less. On top of that, I KNOW people who have been very successful with supplementing as needed, and still maintaining a supply and good nursing relationship and all of that. So, really, I just need to chill the fuck out.

It will be a good thing for me to have a part-time job, it will. The money will certainly be nice, and it will still allow me to do the things like going to library storytime or not having to be all schedule-crazy when it comes to ped appointments. I don’t have to wake up Ingrid and try to schedule her, because I have to get to childcare and work and all of that. For the bulk of her waking hours, I will be here. And for her biggest nighttime nurse, I will be here. Once I start my regular schedule, I’ll be missing just about 1.5 hours of her awake time, 3 or 4 nights a week. See, writing it out makes it easier to fathom, I think. Plus, great discountl, and foot in the door at a great company.

I called my friend Jess, who’s been working there for over a year, for reassurance, and she was great. If I take the longview, this is really not that bad a deal. The short view — 40 hrs of training, (where I just KNOW — and was seconded by Jess — that I will be helping people on either side of me learn how to use the computer systems) learning [company]Speak, meeting my Quality Coach, filing TPS Reports, etc, that’s going to suck. It’s only temporary, though, and is a good solution for Right Now.

And, if I survive this week, I am SO getting that damn bag. I’ll have earned it in mental and nipple anguish.

You know, this morning when I read a troll’s declaration that my kid might be the Ugliest Kid, I was pretty stunned. A little hurt. A lot pissed. (And totally disbelieving,because if my kid was ugly Andy would have already said so. Seriously.) And then Jeanne called, and I was all "oh! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" and wondering why the hell she was calling ME on HER birthday, but whatev, and she told her dad had had a heart attack, and could I please update her blog, here’s the password. Oh, wow.

ANd then maybe an hour later, or less, she called again to say he’d died, and I burst into tears. Just sobbed for her.

Because, see, 2 months ago? I’d have been sad, for sure. I may have welled up, because I was pregnant. But now? SOBS.  My heartlessness of the last 31 years has been compromised, because now that I am a mom, I feel a mom-ness to the world. What ran through my head when trying to comprehend the suddenness of Jeanne’s dad’s passing was "I can’t imagine losing MY dad. I can’t imagine losing Dave. I can’t imagine Ingrid losing HER dad. I can’t imagine never getting to see my dad as a grandfather." All of that. And since Jeanne and I have been discussing pros and cons of having kids, timing of having kids, etc, pretty heavily over the last few weeks, I know that she had to have thought of it too, and my heart just broke for her.

It’s cyclical, everything — Jeanne was the one who kept the internet apprised of Ingrid’s impending arrival, and I’m the one that kept the internet apprised of her father’s departure. Here we are, two people who’ve never met in the traditional sense, but still part of that circle that you reach out to in times of life’s biggest events.

How quickly everything can change for a person.  So someone out there wants to pick on 2 month old babies and their mamas, so what…. I am so lucky to have this baby, this husband, this set of parents and friends and family all still here, today.  That puts everything into perspective. Tell your family you love them, right now, because you just really never know.

I ended up with some Neutrogena products, some Rimmel stuff, and some Almay, and here is about what my "after" looked like. (Not taken the day of the wedding, but you get the idea.

Every now and then, I just get insanely covetous, if that’s a word, and make up lists of things I’d buy if money were no object.

There’s always the big ones for the house: windows, siding, roof –which is something that’s in our five year plan anyway, but it would be double-hung, tilt-in, windows for the whole house, with a bay window replacing our window pair on the front, and a garden window in the kitchen.  Siding, concrete board, a grayish brown with white trim and a brigh red door. Roof, metal, in a neutral color. Well, copper ifmoney were REALLY no object.  A new fridge. A gas stove replacing our woodstove, and a gas oven/range.  A complete overhaul of our pink cowboy brothel bathroom.  Maybe some patio furniture.

Then there’s the geeky stuff: like a wireless photo printer, maybe something from the Canon PIXMA line, or maybe even a wireless all-in-one, just to conserve space in our house.  A D70 & Speedlight flash, as I’ve been mentioning over and over since borrowing one of my dad’s.  An iSight camera, or maybe a new iMac or MacBook Pro with the built in camera, and then someone ELSE with the same thing, preferably say, my sister, so that we could have Aunt Kate read Ingrid a story over the internet, and Ingrid would ‘know’ her aunt, despite being 2000 miles away.

A new car — I love my outback, and would stick with that, but in a newer model that doesn’t have the weird tweaks my 98 does. Still with leather (god, leather is the BEST when you have allergies. Sorry, cows.) and heated seats and mirrors and all of that. But also, I want it to have the little thermometer that tells you what the outside temp is. That is so cool.

A bECOpack — yes, ANOTHER baby carrier.  This is something I sort of have pegged as "when I get my first check, I splurge," unless one comes up on FSOT.

Some sort of cabinetry in the living room that would hold allof our stuff — tv/dvd/stereo/etc, boardgames, DVDs, etc — with less clutter looking at us, and keeping Ingrid safe when she starts exploring. Like this, maybe, only having two side by side or something. Not a giant thing encompassing the whole wall, vertically, but going horizontally.

And, then, you know, to have all of my papers magically write themselves (progress, though, i have 1.5 of my reflections done, which leaves .5 a reflection, and two papers, and my portfolio), and to land a job that starts in january or after, that pays a ton of money, and/or has great flextime built in, that is satisfying to my brain, body, and family life.

I think that’s it. That’s not so bad, right? Sigh.

OKay, here’s the deal, I have to shoot at a wedding on Saturday, and I need some makeover help, and figured I’d turn to the internet to do it,since it typically never lets me down.  Here are the rules:

Cheap — any type of product has to be easily purchased at Target or a drugstore or something.
Simple — dude, I have a BABY, and I never had time to do anything like this WITHOUT a baby. I’m thinking like, 5 steps/products, max.

What stymies me every time I consider makeup, et al:

I wear glasses, and I like my glasses, but then, what do I do about makeup BEHIND the glasses? Totally don’t get it.

I have dark circles under my eyes, always have, and it’s not so much a fatigue thing as it is an allergy thing, I think. Dunno.

Postpartum, my skin seems all fucked up — dry on the cheeks, but when it’s muggy I feel greasy, and bleh.  Here’s the before picture, taken less than a week after I had Ingrid:

What I do typically, is wash my face in the shower, and uh, sometimes remember to put on a sunscreeny moisturizer. And that’s it.

Internet, help me look a little more professional (by Saturday!) without looking like a street whore or circus clown.  Inexpensive and simple. You know?

(isn’t that just the perfect Before pic? Totally look like crap, and it was just minutes before we had our outdoor pictures taken — in Ingrid’s album — but that’s the difference between a D70 + Speedlight and my own Olympus and it’s onboard flash. D70 DROOOOLLLL)

Also, Mirena? I cannot BELIEVE how simple it was.  I guess your cervix DOES change after you’ve pushed out more than 8 pounds of baby, because with the preemptive 800mg of Advil, I literally felt NOTHING. NOT ONE THING. I was in SHOCK that it was over, and the only thing i FELT was the speculum going in and coming out. Nulliparous, the souinding rod had me clawing at ceiling tiles trying to get away, but … parous? is that the word? was easier than a pap smear. Unbelievable. And now I’m covered for 5 years, and will likely not have a period again until I get it removed, and all for a $15 copay. Think of the savings on both monthly forms of BC, and tampons! SWEET!