We went and visited the center, and I don’ think it’s the one that Scary Dragon goes to ;), but the caregivers seemed really nice, which is important. They also shoot for a 1:3 ratio, instead of the 1:4 regulated ratio, and they also have students in there, and I’m all about the hands-on learning environments, so that’s cool, too.  Ingrid beamed at all the caregivers, and was craningher neck to see the babies, and I recognized one baby as being the one I always see in a Mei Tai around town (and whose mama and I have talked in a Babywearers, Unite! kind of way).   I also explained that I’m kind of not a student, technically, anymore, but the director totally understood the situation and said it wasn’t a problem and that I’d still count. But, after December, I’d have 3 months to be affiliated with the uni in some way (job or student) if I wanted to stay there. So, I don’t feel so bad about wanting this for short-term, since it’s highly likely I’d be short-term under THEIR rules, anyway.

Everything seemed very fated — I also had email from my advisor, checking in, plus that I even GOT this voicemail is BEYOND miraculous. Truly. But still… $125 is a lot for us, to add as a weekly expense, so I’ve been trying to figure that out.

Then, my mom called. "Since we bought Kate’s plane ticket home, we’d like to buy you three weeks of childcare, so that you can get this DONE." Decision? MADE.  Of course, Dave is working late tonight (hockey game) so I KNOW he’s freaking out about money, and has been since I left to see the center and he went back to work. Truly, though, 3 weeks will get me done with school, at the very least, and into the busy season, where if I want to keep her there, then we can afford to take over the payment part. I totally cried. I’m such a pussy.

$125 a week is better than $165, for sure, but it’s STILL HUGE for us, right now. Especially since it would be putting out cash and not bringing IN any for the time out. But, it’s an investment, it’s an investment, I just need to FINISH. FIN. ISH.  And that is looking more and more like a good possibility. I cannot WAIT to get that light blue fucking hood, thank you very damn much. (OKay, the hood won’t come til May, but the PAPER will be here very. very. soon.)

Well, so, now what!?

My cell phone has sucked for months. MONTHS. It goes from 5 bars to none, and I cannot even TELL you the last time I successfully had a phone call, not even to voice mail. I need to cancel it, so I charged it up and decided to see if it worked at all, and managed to (miraculously, seriously) connect to the voice mail, where there were 11 messages for the chick who had my number last, apparently (collection agency or something) and ONE from the uni childcare center. From YESTERDAY. They have a slot.

It’s $125/week, but it’s on campus, essentially, and the farthest flung of all we’ve applied to. If we don’t take it, we get  bumped to the bottom of the list, which if you remember, I signed up on THIS list over a year ago, and I think I may technically not even be allowed on the priority list, since technically I’m not a student anymore. But whatever, I’m still finishing my degree, so let’snot get too deep into semantics.

Since this call, there’s been a flurry of email and phone calls: Dave is worried about the expense, BUT, if I have childcare in the daytime towork on shit, that means I can take more shifts at night, AND they say that it’s going to be all the work you want in a few weeks. My parents think that I should do it, if even for two weeks, just to get school DONE, and then my dad called back to remind me that anything I pay in childcare can be deducted on my taxes, so to consider the tax benefit as well. And, while it IS the farthest away from our house, I can work on campus, get shit done, and not have the commute be doubled (by then going home, or to a ‘job’ that is ‘someplace else.’) At this point, Dave wouldn’t ever have to pick her up or drop her off, so that’s not a concern. it would be more of one if we both were working here, and childcare was way the hell up THERE.  Also, Ingrid’s Scary Dragon Friend goes to one of the 2 infant programs up there (and now I’m dying to know WHICH ONE: N, this opening is at infant/toddler in the UP housing) and I’ve heard good things from them.

Argh. Now I need to call, to meet the program director to tour the place. But, Internet, is it stupid to take the slot, even though I might cancel the arrangement in a month or so, and use it only part time?

We had the childcare meet & greet today, and it was interesting. I mean, I like everything that they are saying, and I LOVE that they are so close, and that they are NAEYC accredited and all of that. They are clearly doing everything right. But, of course, that comes at a price, and they will be the most expensive in the area — $165 a week. holy motherfucking shit. I mean, the average is 130 around here, and the previous most expensive was at the Tent Revival church (150 a week) but, hot damn, that’s a lot. It goes down at 11 months, to $150 a week, and for whatever reason, that seems more reasonable than 165. I don’t know why. It’s just 60 bucks a month, but that’s like, our phone bill.

When we left, Dave was like "How is it better to have you working?" Which is sort of bittersweet…. ideally, I’d like to keep staying home til Ingrid’s a year. It would mean not having to fuck with pumping all day long, it would mean continuing to go to storytime and such, and it would just feel right. But, we also, you know, need some cash. We’re still living off of savings, on my end, and my night job will be picking up really soon beyond the one 4-6 hour shift a week I’m getting now. I’ve also applied for permanent part-time (I’m seasonal right now) and there’s grapevine murmurings that that’s a Good Thing, so I’m feeling confident I’ll at least have that job lined up. And I’m okay with working nights for longer, I really am, if it means more income than outgo, on top of being here for most of Ingrid’s waking hours. It might be kind of tough, as it goes on, but… we do what we have to, right?

The plan is now to ask to be kept on the waitlist, and to wait until Ingrid’s a year before looking for daytime childcare. And in almost all ways, that’s ideal for me. Except… I feel a little lost at what to do AFTER. I mean, I value education intrinsically, but I also feel like I need to make my graduate degree work for us, beyond just being a cool accomplishment. I don’t want to classroom teach, but I’m not sure I could afford childcare if I did anything less. Moving is not an option for us, so where will I end up, here?

It feels weird to be working a fairly menial job, with a master’s degree in sight. But teaching, man, that makes me sweat a little bit, too. It feels very either-or, right now. I wish that we had the finances to have it not be a question. I’m envious of the people at storytime who have the shiny cars and perfectly dressed kids, and who are obviously so TOGETHER and so PERFECT MOM, whereas I’m just feeling my way through everything, trying to finish my degree, trying to think about what kind of job I will have, and trying to even figure out what I need to make to make childcare affordable. It just feels …. deflating right now. I’m stoked to stay home withIngrid, I really am. But I wish our financial situation was one that was determined, in some way. 

Sigh.

An addendum on the "WTF, no voting?!" thing — people get passes, because I totally understand that sometimes the best laid plans fall through, etc. What this guy does though, is PLAN to NOT VOTE. DUDE, my SISTER VOTES. If my SISTER can figure it the fuck out (and in COLORADO, ferfuckssake, not MAINE, where the state and city bend over backwards to make it easy to vote…) than you can, too.

Yesterday we went to a book signing at my job, where the former president and grandson of the company’s namesake as signing copies of his new book.  I wrapped Ingrid up and took her, and she loved it (so many people! HI!) and when we got to the table for the signing, I had him sign it to my dad (excellent holiday gift!) and his wife started asking about Ingrid, and it turns out their grandson was born on the very same day, so we discussed what milestones the respective babies had hit, blah blah babybabybaby. I didn’t even TALK to the author, and felt a bit like a heel, but then! THEN! I go home and look through the book, and in the photo section in the center, is a picure of the dude FLYFISHING in the STREAM next to which I GREW UP. So if I hadn’t been baby-brain-fogged, I probably would have noticed that BEFORE the signing and said "hey, this is for my dad who lives in this place you obviously have been to." But, no. BABYBABYBABY.

ANother cool thing, while I was there, a woman from LaLeche League walked by and saw me and said "HI! Guess where I’m going!" and gestured at her Deluxe Black Tote which was obviously a breastpump…. and then, the coolest thing, she said "When you said you were working here and that you could pump, I applied!" SO, my "I’m going to set an example, dammit" mentality for pumping at work, regardless of the sort of awkwardness, PLUS my "LLL needs to have some folks in there that are a little less dogmatic, dude" combined in a really glorious way, I think. A nursing mom is now working p/t, because she CAN pump, and because I stuck out LLL despite my initial recoil of it seeming like you had to be 100% AP LLL SAHM OMGWTF? all the time, there’s now another mama who is doing a little of both. And that’s kind of cool.

TOnight, we have our parent childcare meeting – they will draw for the 8 (EIGHT!) infant slots this month, and create a waiting list after the initial spots are filled. I’m really okay with NOT getting a spot, but I hope we have a good spot on the waitlist, because we *WILL* need childcare for much longer than we *WON’T.* If that makes sense. And, the older she gets, the more slots there are — 8 slots to 11 mos, 12 for 11-24, and so on… and she has GOT to be near the top, since we signed up within hours of the sign being hung. But, you never know…

And, yay, blue! Today is the first day in YEARS that I feel a tiny glimmer of hope, politically. Go, voting!

Last night suuuuucked, with Ingrid hurling 2 bellyfuls of milk on me, the first in the glider rendered her sleepsack unusable, so I tucked her into bed, where a few hours later she did the same thing, only this time with more choking and sputtering! And seriously, WHY does the puke always flow toward mama? Really, though, those just-fed pukes don’t bug me near as much as the "I ate 2 hours ago" puke, which happened this morning, and made me run a damn WASH to try to get the smell away from me. I hate milk, I hate curdled milk, I hate milk so much that I make DAVE taste-test Ingrid’s bottles for lipase. I won’t even taste my OWN milk. ANd that curdled milk that comes up after 2 hours in the ol’ gastric passages, oh, god, I hate it.  Just-ate milk is like a knocked over glass (though the gagging blows) but I’ll take it over curdled ANY DAY.

Yeah, we did it. Both a) tried YouTube and b) fed her rice cereal.  And that whole ‘rice cereal makes babies sleep’ is scientifically not proven, and also, anecdotally unproven as well. She had cereal before bed, and has been up 3 times. Sigh.

We’re gearing up for solids here, and may even start a little sooner than 6 months, after doing (of course) a shitload of internet research. Since Ingrid is exhibiting every cue listed anywhere for solids readiness, well, um, maybe we should crack into the rice cereal.  She sits independently (Sidenote: is ‘independent sitting’ when she can sit on the ground and not topple over, slump, etc, or does it mean ‘gets into sitting position from lying down?’ Damn multiple meanings of the verb ‘sit!’ Either way, she does the former.) she has doubled her birthweight, she lunges for food (as evidenced by her interest in Uncle Andy’s curly fries at Nicky’s just now) she senses when she’s full when she’s nursing, blah blah blah.  We both want to be here when she has her first solids, which is silly, but one of those milestones, and that won’t be til Sunday, maybe. And while 6 months is the recommended guideline, everyone (even Sears) says to watch the kid, not the calendar, and even if I get squirrelly about the calendar, she was due May 12, so starting Nov 5 is really like 5.75 months, right?  Anyway.

One of my sadnesses about it is that, damn! I have made this baby so big! She started as 2 cells, and is now this 16+ pounder with ticklish thighs and belly rolls when she sits! And it has been ALL ME. Adding in even rice cereal, just for the texture/experience and not even nutritive value is the first step away from me, and it feels a little like clipping my prize-worthy giant eggplant frm the vine. If eggplants grow on vines, which I think they do. It feels goofy to be sad about starting RICE FUCKING CEREAL, but, thre you go. I’m sure the first day of Kindergarten will involve a valium and a beer, at this rate.