First, unrelated, emma helped me come up with a name for my photo endeavors: Snappity Graphics. Whee! You heard it here first, folks.

Well then, on to the update.

I took another OPK this am, and still got a quick — if lighter — second line. Not sure what it means, but at the VERY least, I feel good about the fact that I ovulate… and maybe I’ve been ovulating later than I thought. If the fat lady sings this month, I’ll order another slew of tests and start taking them later in the month. Either way, I’m tracking it all in iCal, and hopefully the information will be useful.

Sigh. I don’t WANNA go to school! But I must, Buh-Bye.

Okay, okay. You know how I am. I have seen this topic come up on various message boards I stalk, I mean, lurk, so I googled it. Here’s the best article on using OPKs as HPTs that I could find. Now, this isn’t exactly NEJM, and I don’t think she’s a doctor — most doctor’s don’t use “ya know” in publications. But, it intrigued me, so I figured I’d try it out because I had three OPKs left, and I was bored, and realized I had not peed or taken in fluids in a long time.

Anyway, I just tried it and got two lines, right away. Which could mean many things, or nothing at all. However — I have never gotten such a positive result on an OPK, that quick. Like, “Haven’t even stood up yet” quick.

Possibilities:

–I ovulate later than most/have a short luteal phase? Either way, tomorrow will be GOF-y.
–I am a seed-bearing fruit.
–I have PCOS. (I really, really don’t think I do, as I haven’t seen other symptoms.)
–I at LEAST ovulate, at some point.

Now, I totally, totally have taken this with a big ol’ fat grain of sea salt. But it is something to think about. Or obsess about. Whichever.

Either way? It was really cool to see two lines show up in any fashion, as I’ve never seen them on any stick at all. Whee!

I have a song stuck in my head that may or may not be an ACTUAL song… the chorus of this alleged song is: “The way-yay-ting is the har-dest part” and it sounds a little bit like early Billy Joel when it resounds through my head. Having early Billy Joel singing to me in MY OWN HEAD isn’t even as frustrating as NOT. KNOWING.

Another thing I think I’ve invented in my post-ovulation haze is a beverage called “Fertili-Tea.” Does it exist? I don’t know, but I know that it ISN’T available at my local health food store. (Tea Tree oil for the massive zit breakout is, as well as Ginger Peach tea and a fresh bumbleberry tart, mmmm.)

In all of this invented stuff, I have been reading various things on the internet relating to giraffe habitat. No, wait! That’s a lie. I’ve been reaidng about fertility/pregnancy/birth stuff. Goddamnit, you caught me.

One of the things that I keep seeing, that gives me pause is that in the past, women were encouraged to wait until they MISSED TWO (2!) PERIODS before checking in with their doctor to confirm their suspicions. HOLY SWEET LIFTIN’ FUCK. That’s like, 8 weeks. If you’re me, that’s more like NINE weeks, on account of my cycle. It is amazing what we know now.

However, I wonder if it was any easier for our foremothers. I mean, here I am, 7 dpo (or thereabouts) just DYING to know what is happening in the Uterus Hilton RIGHT NOW. Are they partying? Did they hook up? DId they see each other and he promised to call, but instead he withered up and died and now she’s all “Fuck you, S. Perm! Me and my posse of uterine lining are OUTTA HERE!”

Did women before me, though, before all of us, just not even think about it? Is it like the first 2 weeks of a cycle “I can’t worry about it, because I’m definitely not, so I don’t even need to think about it.” Or was it worse, was it scratched into journals as the dreaded “2MW?” Crazy.

Not as crazy as the fact that my left eye has been vibrating for 3 days now, though. That’s crazy. I hope it’s not an Optopic Pregnancy! Oh, wait. I invented that, too.

Aaahhh, a middle-level retreat was just what the doctor ordered. I spent the last two days and nights at the mountain, being validated that my ideas are what’s best for kids. If only the school saw it that way. I pinpointed my feelings: I feel just as I did after seeing Fahrenheit 9/11. Yes, the current state of affairs is creepy and wrong and I don’t like it one bit, but I’m not crazy for thinking that. I spent some time talking to the president of the sponsoring organization about my current situation, and she heard that I was discouraged and ready to flee, and kept saying “There is a school out there for you, keep looking. You’re in the wrong place.” Something to think about.

So, I’m home, warm and cozy in my little house with the big yard and the great husband. Some Signs: Physiological behind the cut. that may seem a wee bit TMI.

I did buy the fish-teether on cj’s suggestion, and I slipped it into my coat pocket. You know, I’m really glad I did. Sure, I’m still in the hopeful & optimistic phase of TTC, but to be able to reach into my pocket and feel that little piece of molded plastic is nice. It helps ease my mind, almost. If I start to worry about the nausea I’m feeling, or mentally counting the days until anything could mean anything, I slip my hand in my pocket and almost transfer my thoughts away from my head, and refocus on Everything Else I need to think about. It’s a pocket of hope, of tangibility, that is reassuring. Like a modern day worry stone, or something. I like it.

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And now, for the October edition of Signs!

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My MIL is in the hospital with pneumonia, so fall is truly here. When we took her her chair (a whole story in and of itself, that I won’t get into because it’s just petty and frustrating) she was sick, and took a nitroglycerin tablet while we were there. Maybe she needed it, but it’s just “Oh, I didn’t expect to see you for a while … I need my nitro….. but I’m so glad you’re here.” Bugs me.

ANYWAY. MIL is sick, which is one of her two hobbies; the other is doing puzzles. Other than that she doesn’t DO anything. She’s old, sure, but my grandma has ten years on her and decided at 79 to learn how to knit, and joined a “Sip n’ stitch,” where she meets every week with a group of women of all ages to drink wine and knit. She bought a recumbent exercise bike when her knees were done at 78, and she exercises every day. She’s beautiful, and healthy, and has a life. My MIL, though, doesn’t. Her other hobby, after “doing puzzles” and “getting sick” is “giving up basic living activities” like “taking stairs” or “holding a jug of milk.” (Interestingly, this leads to lots of “needing help” and the whole thing is just annoying. And frustrating. And also, life affirming.

Seeing my MIL like that always reminds me to get off my ass and DO SOMETHING. After weeks like this one, ass-getting-off-of isn’t always my first priority, but this morning, I did. I told Dave to wait til I got back to shower, and I pulled on my jeans and a fleece, and my sneakers, and I hit the sidewalk.

I love walking, it’s ridiculous that I don’t do it every day, and I should. I don’t want to end up like my MIL, I want to be strong and healthy like my grandmother, I want to be healthy for my kids. Today, it was beautiful. Not too hot, not too cold. I walked up 15th, cut across to 14th, then 13th. I walked around the back of Mansfield Stadium and I headed to the playing fields between the two schools near my house. The whole time, I was thinking about the future. I stopped at Fairmount to swing.

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Mama Memoir

Belly Laughs, Jenny McCarthy

Not bad, but really, really short.  Big font, small page layout and thick paper does not make the book take longer to read.  Also, not too natural-minded, if you’re into that sort of thing.

It Could Happen to You! A Diary of Pregnancy and Beyond, Martha Brockenbrough

I guess this is a converted blog-like thing, as it originally appeard on msn.com or something like that.  Anyway, so far, so good. Not yet finished, but I like her style. Down-to-earth and all.

Confessions of a Slacker Mom, Muffy Mead-Ferro

Most of this I agree with, make sure your kids have imaginations, etc.  Sometimes she seems a little severe, but her name is Muffy.  You kind of have to feel bad about that.  Quick read (again, this is enough for a book?) but certainly not required.

Operating Instructions, Anne Lamott

I love, love, love Anne Lamott’s nonfiction.  I read this book way back when, long before I should have, and loved it.  A very realistic and humorous take on pregnancy and childbirth, from the single mama point of view. 

Hello, My Name is Mommy, Sheri Lynch

Aimed at moms that were raised in dysfunctional homes, but a good read for anyone.  A working & nursing mom.  Down-to-earth, and serious when it should be. (Dogeared: Pg 115. Love it.)

A Life’s Work: On Becoming a Mother, Rachel Cusk

I’m having a hard time getting into this one, and I’m not sure why.  It’s more Serious Motherhood than others, I think, and as such, it’s not as engaging.  But, it was a buck on a bargain table.

The Big Rumpus: A Mother’s Tale from the Trenches, Ayun Halliday

Urban stay at home nursing artist mom of two’s tales from the street.  Loved the book, even though I am a rural girl.  Kids don’t suck the creativity out of you! Yay!

Guarding the Moon, Francesca Lia Block

A fabulous YA author’s AP leaning memoir of pregnancy and new motherhood.  Beautiful stuff.

Breeder: Real-Life Stories from the New Generation of Mothers, Ariel Gore, Ed.

A collection of essays of moms of all kinds.  Similar, in some ways, to Pregnancy Stories (indexed below), but more creative nonfiction than informational nonfiction.  (I really enjoyed this book, and want to check out other Ariel Gore stuff.)

Life’s Work: Confessions of an Unbalanced Mom, Lisa Belkin

A collection of essays by and about working mothers.  It didn’t grab me like Breeder did, but it may be more pertinent when I have children-children, as opposed to the hypothetical baby situation.

I’ll Never Have Sex With You Again! Tales from the Delivery Room, Larry Bleidner

It was a BUCK, okay? A collection of delivery room bloopers, in short anecdotes. 

Mama Fiction

The Zygote Chronicles, Suzanne Finnamore

Fictional take on pregnancy and birth, from the author that wrote Otherwise Engaged, a novel about wedding planning and marriage.  Not lifechanging, but a good read.

Diary of a Mad Mom-to-Be, Laura Wolf

Another fictional take on pregnancy and birth, from the author that wrote Diary of a Mad Bride-to-Be.  (Are she and Finnamore in a race?)  Loved this book, as the conversations between husband and wife were almost EXACTLY what the conversations between Dave and I were like.  Spookily so.  If that’s the case, then I’m guessing it’s more common than you’d think.

Little Earthquakes, Jennifer Weiner.

Three different mamas, from pregnancy to motherhood and beyond.  Working & nursing moms, c-section and natural deliveries, Jewish mom, and mom-of-color.  Weiner’s books always make me feel good, so don’t look for lots of drama here.

Planning & Pregnancy Nonfiction Informational Books

The Mother of All Pregnancy Books, Ann Douglas

It actually has a preconception section! Total plus.  As well as a handy due date calculator page, that helps "plan" (ha!) these things.  Lots of folksy advice, as well.

Your Pregnancy Week-by-Week, 5th ed., Curtis & Schuler
This book is a good general reference book, with low scare-factor, and nice pencil illustrations to show actual size and location of the zygote/embryo/fetus as it develops.  It’s a good book for partners too, to be able to pass it over and say "Look, this is how big it is now!"

Before Your Pregnancy, Ogle & Mazzullo

Before you buy this book, skim it at a library or bookstore. Waste of money.  Here’s the secret: Live healthy! Don’t smoke! Have well-timed sex! The end.  Mine is going to my local library, as soon as I can decloset myself to my former coworkers.

Spiritual Midwifery, Ina May Gaskin

Aaaaaanndd, here’s the opposite of the Jenny McCarthy book.  Very natural minded, lots of pictures of long-haired men and women "blissing out" on the miracle of birth.  A little too hippy-dippy for me, but many sing it’s praises.  (I’m putting this in informational, as there’s lots of information as well as multiple birth stories. )

Misconceptions, Naomi Wolf

A take on the medicalization of birth.  Wolf seems super bitter about her C-section, and I’ve not walked in her shoes, but I wouldn’t want to be stuck on a long flight with her at my side, because I think she’d still be talking about it.  Good for perspective, but low on cheer.

Taking Charge of Your Fertility, Toni Weschler
Referred to as TCOYF on TTC forums, this book explains a lot of cool things about how our bodies work.  Essential if you plan on charting, and damn informative even if you don’t chart.  (If you do chart, fertilityfriend.com or pregnancy.org have online charting tools.)

Pregnancy Stories: Real Women Share the Joys, Fears, Thrills, and Anxieties of Pregnancy from Conception to Birth, Cecilia Cancellaro

This book reads like a grad school project, which is why I put it here and not in Memoir,  but it lives up to its title.  In addition to the usual stories, there are stories of women with HELLP syndrome, miscarriage, premature birth, lesbian mothers, single mothers, and mothers of a wide age range.

1,000 Questions About Your Pregnancy, Jeffrey Thurston, MD

Just what it says.  I’ve actually found it useful while TTC to look up certain concerns during the 2WW.  One annoyance for this agnostic is that he gives a lot of credit to God, when just referencing ‘nature’ would have been more my style.  It’s an easy read, and I’m sure it will be useful once I am actually pregnant.

Forums

DigsBoards: Body & Soul

I’ve been a Digster for 3.5 years and counting, and the boards are well-moderated and a great place to look for advice for just about anything.  Body & Soul is where you’ll find the TTC (Tryin’ for a Bean) and pregnancy (Dust Settles) threads.

Kvetch: IndieMOMs

A Digster pointed me to Indiebride.com’s forums, and the IndieMOMs thread is a great repository of alllll kinds of information.  Leave your ridiculous PowerPoint sig files at the door, and expect great respect and intelligence.

Pregnancy.org Forums

These boards drive me absolutely nuts, but I do lurk for information.  Search by due-date month to see what the early symptoms for others were, for instance.  (That’s what I do every two weeks or so.)    Be prepared for more animated GIFs than you ever wanted to see if your life.

Stuff for Dads

The Expectant Father
This is about the only informational book out there for husbands with pregnant wives.  Dave has found it an okay read.

The Morning News: New Father Roundtables Part 1 & Part 2
Dave really enjoyed these two articles.  He read them during the TTC phase, and again when I got pregnant, and found them entertaining, and enlightening.

Daddyforum.com
Started by the husband of an IM, daddyforum is looking to be the brother site to the woman-centered IndieMoms group.

Miscarriage

pregnancyloss.info
A website with good general information about miscarriage and what to expect.

sharedjourney.com
This website has some good, general information, but the key piece here was a statistic mentioned in "Before you conceive" that says: "After an isolated spontaneous miscarriage, the chance of having a successful pregnancy in the future is quite high. Repeated miscarriages occur in 0.5-1.0% of all pregnancies."  That statistic is what gives me hope for the future.

Websites

My Monthly Cycles
MyMonthlyCycles.com allows you to track basic fertility data using your menstrual cycle as a base.  It will average your cycles if you have irregular lengths, and predict the most likely time of ovulation & menstruation.  It can record BBT data, but does not have the chart galleries of Fertility Friend.  For me, I was using iCal to track data, but MMC does the math, which is nice. If you’re into the whole temping thing, FF might be easier.

Ovulation Calculator
This ovulation calculator is cool because it gives you information for the next three months for both ovulation and expected due date.

Due Date Calculator
This calculator gives you dates for when you shift trimesters, and you can plug in a date to see how pregnant you’ll be on a given day.  It will calculate from LMP, or backwards from EDD.

Pregnancy Calendar
The interactive pregnancy calendar here has pictures, and day by day details of what’s happening.  Plug in your dates, and start obsessing.

Visible Embryo
"…represents the 23 stages occurring in the first trimester of
pregnancy and every two weeks of the second and third trimesters. Use
the spiral to navigate through the 40 weeks of pregnancy and preview the
unique changes in each stage of human development."

NOVA: Life’s Greatest Miracle (PBS)
" A sequel to the most popular NOVA of all time, "Miracle of Life," the program once again uses the extraordinary microimagery of Swedish photographer Lennart Nilsson to track human development from embryo to newborn."  Watch the program, read a pregnancy journal, etc.

Social Security Baby Name Index
Cross reference your names of choice with SSA birth records.  You can even track popularity by looking at the names position in the last ten years or so. Love that feature.

Baby Name Wizard’s NameVoyager
The NameVoyager takes the SSA data and uses a java applet to give a visual model of a name’s popularity.  It shows spikes in popularity, if something is rising or falling, and historical popularity data.  It is so. freakin. cool.  Type in the first letters of a name and watch it shift, and see how many of each million babies are likely to be named what you’ve entered. (FYI, on my Mac, only Safari will open it.)

Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing
She used to be a Digster! And this is one of the funniest name indices ever.  Best in small doses, though.

If you have a link, book, or resource that you’ve found valuable, please let me know!  I’m not going to list mom/miscarriage/infertility/pregnancy blogs, because there’s just so many.  But let me know of amy general resources you think should be here, and I’ll check it out.

This index last updated 5.31.05

Chatting with Emma last night, I shared some of my new philosophies on TTC. Anyone who knows me at all, knows that I am a big ol’ fatalist, and Everything Happens For a Reason. So, here are the reasons.

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Yep, it turns out the bulk package of tampons I bought last month will NOT go to waste.

But! I feel pretty confident that I have a 31 day cycle now, as the last two were, and the two before that average to 31 days. Now I’m considering charting, just to see. Can you chart and skip weekends? Because waking up early on weekends is SO not my style.

[interlude] Okay, I’m watching Oprah right now? And it’s a mom-swap or whatever, and this supa-riche mom left notes for the working-class mom, that included “I like to get at least an hour in with my kids each day. I need me-time.” This woman doesn’t even WORK; she and her husband go out to eat every night, but the kids get fed by the nanny. So, the working class mom read that, and started to cry, and said “This woman is SO SELFISH.” And when I say waking early on weekends is not my style, I mean in my NON-PARENT life, and I can’t help but think that I should sleep in as much as I can now, because I will never be able to again when I DO have kids. I can’t wait to see how Supa-Riches deals with being near children AND chopping wood. And I hope Working Class shows those kids that mommies can be near their kids for more than an hour a day. I’m not knocking mothers who work, or whatever, but it seems really, really fucked up to be wealthy enough to not work, and to not even EAT DINNER with your children, and to think that an hour a day — without other responsibilities — is acceptable, or whatever. [end interlude]

So, definitely not pregnant. But now I can go plug in my ol’ 31 day cycle to the ovulation 8-balls and see what comes up!!

I edited it, but I had left the previous post with a sentence fragment, see title, and I honestly don’t know what I was going for. Or why I didn’t notice it. But, I don’t think I can blame it on pregnancy, since I tested and came up with one line.

Pros: We can book plane tickets! Maybe this weekend, I will soften the blow by finding us some tickets to Florida in April.

I have been spared parenting a Gemini! (For the most part, anything can happen)

I have dodged the busy season for my parents! (They are busy a lot, but the commencement biz is nonstop in May and June.)

Cons: Any naps I have taken cannot be retroactively attributed to pregnancy. I am, apparently, just lazy.

On a similar note, I CRIED for no GOOD REASON. Ugh. I am NOT A CRIER. I could handle being ’emotionally unbalanced as a result of increased hCg levels” but not just “sobbing like a little girl.”

I may share a birthday with my offspring, as edd’s for the next month land squarely on July 2.

Yet another 2ww in my future. UGH.

I’m carrying the torch for emma and persephone, though, and while the Great Trifecta is probably not a possiblity, a Biecta? or Unecta? Would be great.

Also, I am somewhat envious of Emma’s ability to glean hereditary pregnancy symptoms from her mom. I have my sister, who doesn’t really remember much except for fear and sadness and pain, but asking my mom would just be — too much. I don’t know. I am such a private person; we used to joke that when I did get married, I would be introducing my beloved to my parents at the wedding, because I like to play my cards close to my chest when it comes to my family. (When it comes to the internet, I have no problems laying them all down, face up, though.) Asking anything about my mom’s pregnancies would set off her momdar, which is already beeping like fucking crazy, and it might just make her head explode. And then the whole point of asking her would be moot, as she would no longer be able to share the Secrets of a S****** Pregnancy. All I know from random conversations are that she craved baked potatoes, smoked through the whole thing, was overdue by two weeks, and got so big they thought I was twins, so they did an X-RAY(!) to make sure there was only one of me. There was, and she had to be induced, but I was born naturally after a week in the hospital, walking around, getting pitocin, and making friends with the staff. When I was born, I was 9lbs 4oz, so the smoking obviously affected my birthweight. Heh.

So, on to month 4? 5? Something like that.