So. Anyway.

What a fucking fucked up fucking holiday.

I mean, to start it off with this bigass tragic death, well, that certainly alters the mood. The story on that:

So, this is my cousin who lives in Maine, the only one who does, only extended family in the state. He was 49, and has two kids, 16 & 12, boy and girl, whom he’s had sole custody of for the last 6 years, I think, and for damn good reason. Mom had all kinds of problems, and the sole custody was court ordered and all of that, and in the years since, the mom moved to kansas city. Because the kids are older, now, and more independent, and because the mom’s been sober for a while, my cousin agreed to let them visit her for Christmas, for 3 weeks.  My parents took them out to dinner a few nights before they left, and made tentative plans for my cousin to join us for christmas dinner.  He’d apparently been drinking on the 23rd, wasn’t wearing his seat belt, and wrapped his Suburban around a tree at 3 am on the 24th. Not exactly a freak accident, but certainly a motherfucking tragic one, because NOW, my cousins don’t have their Sole Fucking Provider, their mom is legally forbidden to get custody (while he didn’t ever wear a seatbelt, he did have all of his legal ducks in a row regarding that situation) and my parents just left here to go to his house to unearth the legal documents for all of that. he was a pretty private guy, and we think the kids’ guardian is my cousin Jen in Florida, but we aren’t sure, and she is driving up with my aunt, who plans to stay on indefinitely while shit gets sorted out. Meanwhile, my dad is prepared to make goddamn sure that Colson’s wishes are adhered to, and the legal ones as well, and is gearing up to be the bad guy in the situation. Dad has also been dealing with the messier matters of everything — talking to the cops, initially (the state police had gone to our house at the lake to inform them, but my folks were at the mountain, and really, thank god, because my mom would’ve freaked to see a trooper at her door with Kate’s travel plans all screwy), the funeral home, all of the other relatives, scheduling shit — so christmas? has been weird.

In so many ways, this has been a really great christmas — shit, Kate made it HOME! After so many people DIDN’T get out of DIA, she made it fucking HOME! And, it’s Ingrid’s first christmas! Not that she knows it’s any different, but dammit, it’s made OUR lives different, and to have a first family christmas is such a joy. And my parents’ business had a really great year, apparently, and because kate and I are each starting off in new career paths (Kate got her RE license, and i finished my Master’s) we got really generous gifts. But it’s so fucked up to be like "OMG! A Dmothafucking70!" and then have the phone ring and pause to have my dad find out about cremation services. SO. FUCKED. UP. And to be excited about… a camera…. when my cousins are not only fatherless, but 90 percent of kids, even kids of divorce, if one parent dies, they know what happens next. These guys don’t default to their mother. So, do they move to Florida? My parents are gearing up to play a role in that issue, even if it’s temporary, to finish out the school year. They’ve been a huge part of those kids’ lives, anyway — when they are sick, my mom picks them up at school and takes care of them, they take them to the mountain all the time, my mom helps on the girl-stuff end of things with the younger one, etc… It’s just so fucked. up.

And as another layer, the house they live in is the one that Colson grew up in; he bought it from my aunt many years ago. But, when he was 12 (and his oldest sister 14), my uncle was killed in a drunk driving accident, going north in the southbound lane of I95, and my mom had just graduated from college and was on vacation in Quebec (she lived in Western NY state, on the PA state line) and was the closest family member, so she drove to this very house, and ended up staying, getting a teaching job, and helping my aunt with her kids, who were 2-14 in age. And now, my aunt is driving back to this very house, to tend to two kids whose dad was killed in a car wreck… it’s just fucking spooky as shit.

On top of all of that, and I am not even kidding, my grandma is in the hospital, after feeling faint and going pale at christmas eve dinner in Houston. They knew about Colson, and didn’t call us until late yesterday afternoon, because they wanted us to have some semblance of a nice holiday. Anyway, she was takenby ambulance to the hospital, not a heart attack or stroke, but something funky on the EKG in the ambulance, so they are keeping her for tests.

Can it be 2007 now?

It’s been a heavy holiday, and will continue to be — my parents left this morning to go back and start dealing with the legal stuff/paperwork/getting Colson’s house together — my aunt and cousin are just past DC, driving from Florida with the intent that my aunt (who is 74) will stay to take care of the kids. Another cousin was on vacation in GUAM from his home in JAPAN, so he has had to get from Guam to Japan to rural fucking MAINE ASAP, and yet another cousin and her daughter are flying in from Oregon. (That last one is the cousin for whom I had to secretly take care of her daughter, who was 1.5 at the time, while she was in a psych hospital, because the combo of my aunt and now-fatherless-young-cousin was NOT WORKING. i wrote about that a few years ago, here)  Plus, my aunt from Western NY is coming, and farflung cousins and shit… my sister is going to try to extend her ticket, which means a financial hit for her because this is her busy season, and she and I are going to drive up tomorrow. We have stuff to do here — Ingrid needs her flu shot booster, for one, since she’s going to be manhandled left right and crooked at all this family stuff (which I’m okay with, essentially, because she really has been the one to keep us buoyed the last few days, and my parents just melt when she smiles at them, and hey, babies are the promise of good things, right?) but seriously, girl will be flushot protected before 3 continents of germs descend. I need to get the tree taken care of, all that stuff…

Just, FUCK. you know? I am so blessed with all that I do have, with my own family, and it just so totally fucking sucks for my cousins, for my mom, for my aunt, for everyone.  I really hope others have a good holiday week, enjoy your family, wear your goddamn seatbelt, and don’t fucking drive drunk. FOR FUCK’SSAKE.

Festive, eh?

Fuuuuck

Blizzard in Denver, 5,000 travelers stranded already, airport not slated to open until, oh, 3 hours AFTER my sister’s scheduled departure. Motherfucker.

The new flight, now, is that she leaves from Hayden today, which is actually kind of a good thing, because that means NO treacherous drive down out of the mountains. (Hayden is a really small regional airport, even smaller than ours, I think, and is just 20 minutes or so from where Kate lives.) But, that flight takes her to Salt lake City, where she will be until… Saturday. She’s hoping to get an earlier flight tomorrow, but for now, she gets to SLC at 4 today, and ends up here at 10pm on fucking SATURDAY. Then, flies back on Wednesday to… denver! Where she will take a shuttle service back up into the mountains to get home. Anyway. Everything happens for a reason, and I AM really glad that she isn’t inching her way through the fucking ROCKIES to get to an airport that has been closed for two days.

On another note, got the final grades from my prof, which were As, and she has submitted the paperwork for graduation. Totally, officially, done. Wow.

And finally, I have new pictures up in a December album, but I didn’t include this one, which is one of my faves — I came home form work late one night to this image and just MELTED.  You would too, if it was your two favorite people ever.

P1010178

radio silence

very busy! working almost every night, going to campus during the day! must finish! must!!!

however!

It is very much worth noting that tonight, I had my very last class of my Master’s degree in the Ed building. I’ve not ended a semester without being ready to take another class in the next one, in five. freaking. years.

will finish on time. promise.

Just getting it out there

Good lord,seriously? It’s been a WEEK since I wrote? Wow.

Daycare is going fine, Ingrid’s there now and I’m in the coffeeshop on campus. I’m ridiculously pleased to have realized they rezoned an entire lot for visitors, because my parking pass expired in August, and there used to be about 6 visitor spaces total, on campus, (or so it seemed) and they were perpetually occupied and located in the worst spots. The visitor lot is the most central to campus, which is such a good move — right on the Mall, and just steps from the library, the union, the ed building, so yay for no tickets and good parking!

Thanksgiving was fine — ate at my SILs, Ingrid napped in the wrap (new pics in the Nov album, btw) and aside from my SIL giving her a fingerful of coolwhip (SHUDDER) things were fine. It was nice and lowkey, which is always good.

I sent my resume in and haven’t heard, but to cover all my bases, I alsosent a deposit to the new daycare center by our house, just in case. And I DIDN’T get permanent p/t at my night job, which is really throwing me off — apparently they went by hire date, and there were seasonals from last year that wanted a regular position, too, so that leaves me out… which, sucks, because that was my Plan B. SO I need a Plan A, fast. FUCKING A. Anyway. More vibes to the library world,eh?

I jsut dropped Ingrid off, and came to the coffee shop to work, but ended up talking for over an hour to a classmate from last semester whose wife delivered 3 weeks after I did, so it was a lot of student/working/parent kvetching, which was nice, since in general the campus is overrun with undergrads who don’t get It, not at all. Of course, we both lost work time in our discussion of poop, daycare, and breastfeeding, but oh well… it was good. And I have a dentist appt at noon, si I’m going to have to leave in a few minutes ANYWAY, drive back to home, have the appt, drive BACK to campus and work then. … I guess. UGH.

So, brief catchup, more later…

Ew.

I found out today that one of our friends doesn’t vote. Just… doesn’t. I swear to god, it has totally changed my perspective of him. How can you Just Not Vote? Dave has been harrassing him about it since finding out about it last week (after raving about the ease of early voting in my city, so really there is ZERO excuse for NOT VOTING. You can register AT the polls, even.) Anyway, Dave’s been telling him all week that "if youdon’t vote, you don’t matter" but it seems to be a point of pride for him. And I would totally have not pegged this guy to be THAT guy. Shudder. 

I mean, I love election day. LOVE it. I love voting, but I remember going with my parents to the one-booth polling place at home and seeing them fill out their ballots. Ingrid will always vote with one of us, we’ve already decided, because it is That. Important.

Anyway. Not voting. Weird.

Ahhhh….

Dave took all of his vacation, 2 weeks, when Ingrid was born. So, when HR called him in to say "hey, you have 2 vacation days to use before December," he said "No I don’t." The HR lady said "hmm, well, maybe there was a glitch WINKWINK because you have two days left." Well, then!

As such, dave has taken today and tomorrow off, to celebrate Ingrid’s first Halloween, and our 3rd anniversary. I can’t evenbelieve it’s been three years! Or that I’ve known him for 6! Weird.

We spent today just doing stuff… we went to vote early (they moved our polling place to a more inconvenient spot than "across the street," dammit) and we were the only people at the polling place, aside from the clerks. One of the clerks, however, was the notary that married us, and he was excited to see us and meet Ingrid. He’s only married 4 couples, and I worked with him for years, which is why I asked him to marry us. Not only totally civil and not religious at all, but also a funny, strange guy.

We got other errands done, I got to go to the PO, unfettered, and then later to the new LLBean outlet. Which, OMG, seriously, I saw things I *JUST BOUGHT* for cheaper than my discount allows, and I get a standard 25% off the outlet sale prices. For instance, that stocking I hemmed and hawed over? I ended up buying it, with my discount it was 13 bucks. At the outlet, it was 10, and I would’ve gotten 25% off that, so I could’ve had it for 7.50. Or, a fleece I just got for 35, from 60, was on sale for 20, and I’d have paid FIFTEEN AMERICAN DOLLARS for it. But, it would feel unethical for me to exchange and rebuy that stuff cheaper (esp since I DO get a discount on firsts) but still. Holy cow. Ingrid and I have a new weekly field trip destination.  As it is, I got a small braided foor mat for our bathroom, and some highend long underwear pants for dave, for um, 16 bucks total. Both are anniversary gifts — the rug, because we are always jockeying the one in there now from tub to sink, and it’s just… annoying, but Dave likes to have a rug to stand on as he shaves and such, so he gets a chenille rug. It was pink and green, but then again, our bathroom has a pink sink and tiles, but Dave will happily stand on a pink rug that retails for 50 bucks, and that I got for 7. 🙂

Ingrid seems to be just amazed that Daddy! Is! Here! all day long, and she just freaking ADORES him, so that’s cool. She also slept pretty well last night — I dream-fed her at 11 when I got home, and then she woke up at, god, I don’t even know — 6? — and cooed in her crib for a while, and then had an audible poop, so I got up and changed her and brought her to bed with us. I was all kinds of engorged, as the dreamfeed didn’t drain either breast (and I put her on BOTH, which I never, ever do, but I was rock hard after working for 6 hours and not pumping…) and all day has been spent recalibrating, it feels like.

I also applied for permanent part-time at work, which could mean super-duper part time (work some every month, but not more than 1000 hrs each year) or guaranteed 20-29 hours a week. It’s a really easy job, with great perks (especially with an outlet in town, where they just GIVE stuff away!) and, you know, until I get a Real Job, or Childcare, might as well ride this train as long as I can.

So, yeah. A good day. Tomorrow we costume up Miss Ingrid and take her to see her grandma and aunts in town, and then we’ll hand out candy here. We have decorations out, with more going out tomorrow, and the windows getting ‘boarded up’ tomorrow afternoon. Maybe THIS year, I’ll get a damn PICTURE. Sigh.

urgh.

Side effect of multiple vet trips for or cat, appears to be …. fleas. FUCK.

We have yet to see any bugs at all, but the stuff in her fur was positively IDed as "flea dirt." She’s an indoor cat! Goddammit. Hopefully the Frontline kicks on soon….

Puuuuke

Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I just totally hosed my hosted website, which makes me want to CRY. I have all the html and stuff, but the whole blog part, which was the backbone, is GONE. G-O-N-E GONE. I emailed support, in the desperate hope that it’s in the ether somewhere, but FUCKING FUCK. I want to puke.

ughhhh.

Rugs and Sleep

Rug: I ended up buying a 6×8 remnant at a local rug store, unbound, beige, olefin, for $15. It’ll do for now, and something had to happen as Ingrid is digging the rolling, and she needed more than a 2×2 square to do it. Plus, woot, I bought local.

Sleep:  First night was okay, last night was kinda rough as she took bedtime as a nap, which is what had been happening and pushing later and later, so there were some tears (I was working, Dave handled it) and pissiness, but they got through it with cuddles and rocking and such.  Naps had some hollering (the no-tears variety) and tonight she went down at 630ish, with hardly any complaining, nursed up at around 9:45, which is totally cool, since she hadnt since 5, and has never been a nurse-to-sleeper.

I don’t think it was a growth spurt, as it was different from her teething nightwakings. Teething, she woke 6+ times to nurse, but really NURSE, and that was just two nights, and she was back to normal. Instead, it was more like bus-windshield-wipers … naps were shifting farther and farther ahead, and more and more feeding was taking place at night, over a period of a few weeks. She’s a catnapper — will take 3 30-50 minute naps a day — and doesn’t have much of a schedule (according to my Google Spreadsheets documentation) yet, but that’s cool, we’ll work it out. I also wanted to not let sleep get too far away from us before I return to work. I still have no idea when that will happen, but the older she gets the closer it is, and it’s easier to work it out now, with one of us at home, IMO, than waiting til we’re all going in different directions. Anyway. It’s working out fine for us.

On that note, I got paperwork to update our info at the uni childcare center, and I’m going to do that next week. It is SO. HARD. to find any care here, that I like to keep my options open. I still hope we can get into the place around the corner in january, but turning down a spot if it were offered say, after she was 6 months old, would be really hard. Even if we paid for the slot, and I could drop her off and work on my practicum (um, even though it’s due like two weeks after her birthday…) for a few hours a week, to work on the transition aspect, etc. And if she did get in there, and then the place here, I wonder if any of the teachers/student teachers from THERE would end up working here, so that maybe a caregiver moved with her. You never know.

With the "update your info" thing, the mail also included 3 (I think) things about my student loans, need to do the exit interview, etc… I think my grace period will go 6 months from August, since I technically took the two classes I’m doing NOW, then, which would be February… and also in the mail, the $851 bill from *JANUARY* for my 20w ultrasound, that my insurance has denied oh, half a dozen times now, and the hospital has recoded to their specifications, and they’ve still denied it, so I’m on the hook. SO PISSED. Anyway, the paperwork for the u/s, my student loans, and the childcare center felt Very Much Like a Sign. 

Honestly, I never imagined to be able to wrangle it this far, the SAHM thing, and the phone job will carry me til January, anyway (and probably later, if I’m reading the signals right, and I want to do that) and then comes the "is it better to work nights and be home all day" or "is it better to use childcare and have family time at night" and I think there are pros and cons to both, honestly. If money were no object, I think my ideal situation would be to SAHM and have like a one-day childcare situation. (Of course, this is colored by my current school situation, so that might be different if I wasn’t feeling so much academic pressure right now…) i LOVE going to storytime, and I LOVE not knowing what freaking DAY it is, or being on a clock, or having to worry about getting both of us out of the house every morning by 8 … butI also love being with Ingrid and DAVE, and not just handing her off. Right now, I’m only working 1-2 nights a week, plus class on Wednesday, and a study night when it fits in, but that’s going to ramp up as the holidays near. And if I got into the Uni childcare before the end of the semester, and while I’m getting tons of hours, I could ‘afford’ to pay for childcare, even if I didn’t use it every day, all day. And honestly? I think Ingrid would go nuts in a room with other babies. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee it. She LOVES other people. LOVES them. Especially babies. (And cats, but they aren’t people.) Granted, she usually sees them from the comfort of a wrap these days, but still. She likes people. And a few hours of daycare during the *day* means that we get family time at *night.* Which is totally important, too.

Anyway. Lots of things to think about, eh?

More tidbits…

I changed the URL to my shutterfly albums, because I didn’t want people googling up my Most Oft-Used Screen Name and stumbling upon other shit, so it’s now snappityDOTshutterflyDOTcom, and there’s about twice as many as there were before. No ceremony pics, because I didn’t take any during it, I let the pro do that.

Here’s a question for you — so, we aren’t christian, but we do christmas, lower-case-c, and this year I ordered us family stockings, because, well, I wanted to. ANd also, with my discount, they were like 13 bucks, and you can’t even get shitty poly felt stockings at target for 13 bucks… Anyeay, I got these ones — ornaments for me, monogrammed with Mama, Deer for Dave, saying Daddy, and candy canes for Ingrid saying Tax Break. I mean, Ingrid. (and oh, the mental volleyball I played about whether or not to get Mama and Daddy or Gretchen and Dave, and how one choice wouldn’t co-opt our individuality, and the other was just fucking CUTE…) They are great, heavy wool felt, satin lined, have that retro feel, no angels or shit, relatively agnostic, save for their intended use. (Except for the blue snowflake one, with the color scheme and the 6 pointed snowflakes, it looks like a Hannukkah Stocking, seriously.) Here’s my ridiculous dilemma…. do I order the one with the tree, to complete the set of 4, so that um, if we have err, another baby? Sometime? Like in a couple years? All of our stockings match? Would #2 feel slighted if we didn’t, or honored that we planned ahead? Or just stoked that it will hold lots of toothpaste?

I think about shit way. too. much.