Catch 22

Not a bad day, overall.  Woke up with some GOF* before Dave went off to work, and then I drank tea and stalled around the house for a bit.  Andy was going to the uni, so I decided to hitch a ride with him and –gasp! — actually work on my grad school stuff.

The awkward moment was seeing my friend Jen, who read at the wedding and is/was? dating the best man/Dave’s best friend, but then sort of dropped out of sight (A Too Married, thing, I’m afraid) even though the best man didn’t (he was here last night, even).  That was the worst sentence ever. Anyway, saw her today while with Andy, and eased over the awkwardness by teasing Andy about his Spanish class crush: "Donde este sausage?" It was pretty funny, but maybe you had to be there.

Then, on Stillwater, Andy saved a dog from certain death.  It was running up a hill, full speed, opposing traffic.  He was tagged, so we went to the owner’s house, who was basically indifferent. Grr.

THEN, I hunkered down in the lab and got to work.

I actually hammered out a bunch of work.  I love my Master’s program, and I love being on campus.  My ideal would be to work on campus, in pretty much any job. I love it THAT much.  There’s an energy there that doesn’t occur at most places, and I miss being there full time.

The class I’m taking now is self-paced, as it’s an online course. And, despite my IT major, I HATE online courses.  My big thing with IT is that there is balance, and an all online course isn’t balanced. I want to be part of the bigger conversation, you know?

Regardless, I got to work and got so INTO it. I was going through the databases and reading abstracts and research and reporting out and just WANTING to be a bigger part of the IT world.  I’m lucky, in a sense, and I know it, that I am teaching in the midst of MLTI.  This is what I championed the whole year I was in Americorps, and I’m the only one who is actually IN there, USING it.  I don’t know what everyone did after our service year, but those I do know, aren’t doing anything with tech and education, except for me.  It’s really quite amazing that I went from "Ask me about the laptops!" buttons to actually TEACHING WITH THEM. EVERY DAY.  And now, I’m in graduate school for instructional tech, and it’s all because of Clinton’s idea to create a domestic version of Peace Corps. (It saddens me that our program didn’t get re-funded after 9/11 because more money had to go to ‘Homeland Security,’ and that the Bush administration has been trying to drastically cut Americorps funding and programs.)

So, yes. I need to be focussing in on this more.  I signed up for next semester, I still have more work to do this semester but a bunch is done, and by June I will be about 1/3 done with my M. Ed. Cool.

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Those People

Thanksgiving has been settled; Dave and I will go to the mountain, and the ILs will sit around staring blankly at the tv, wondering if the babies haave figured out how to tell time yet, and thusly will not cry until it is time to eat. Grrr.

ANYWAY! On a lighter note, some pictures!

Zombies_1Here is my mother and my husband, sharing Dave’s zombie costume.  And my inlaws think ALL families are weird.

PopkittyAnd, it’s official.  We have become Those People.  The kind that commission portraits of their pets. I know. I’m sorry.  Just wait til we have kids.

Actually, I had noticed these paintings at the vet when the cat was on death’s door the week we moved.  I remembered the name, and two months later I was at our local Challenger Learning Center for a tour and mini-mission, and our leader shared the name of the pet artist I had admired.  I asked her, and it was her, so we went back and forth for a while, during which time I found out she had a kid at my school, that I was with for those 3 days I was an actual student teacher, before I got my job.

THEN, she was my sub on Monday, and saw the picture that this painting is based on at my desk. (My kids love FatKitty — really, who doesn’t? — and I have a framed 5×7 of her fatness in my room for them to gaze upon, and show their parents.  On Tuesday, she brought in the finished portrait, which was an anniversary gift for us.

I took the picture at an angle, because the glass is not nonglare, but it’s 11×14 and hangs in our dining room, and everyone who’s seen it, loves it.  It’s very cool.

Also, I’ve become an accidental hockey fan.  As an alumna of a Div1 championship hockey university, you think it would have happened earlier, but no.  That first game with Jess was a blast, and then Dave came into tickets this week, so my mom and dad came down so that I could take my dad to his first ever Maine game, which he LOVED.  So I spent my prep period on the phone this morning, buying tickets for all four of us to go to the December 4th game.  Hockey is pure and simple.  There is fighting!  AND ice skating! It is the perfect sport. There aren’t a million rules to know, or a half-dozen ways to score. It is straight up sport, and I love watching it live. Who knew?

A Year and a Week

It’s been a year and a week that we’ve been married, and I still can’t believe it.  I mean, I’m married. I have a husband.  And I love it.

We have a pretty regular life, we wake up with the same routines, adjusted for weekday/weekend mornings.  He takes care of the alarm, I am the first one up.  In between the two alarms (weekday, 5:50 and 6 respectively) I roll onto my side and scoot backwards into him.  He wraps his arms around me, and the cat hops off the bed, because the sequence means that I am soon to get up, and when I get up, food is nigh for the cat.  We groan about having to get up, we never, ever want to, but I finally pull away, swing both legs over the side of the bed, and pad off to the bathroom for a shower. 

He’s usually in the shower when I leave, so I pull back the fabric curtain and make smoochy faces through the clear vinyl curtain. "Bye babe, I love you, see you tonight!" I go to school, he goes to work. We might email each other during the day, but usually only out of necessity. "Remind me! Kitty Litter!" or "Paul has hockey tix, do we want them?"  I get home first, usually, and when he gets home I greet him at the door with a kiss, and the usual how was your day/ what’s for dinner/ we need to do laundry conversation is had while he feeds the cat her second scoop of the day.

Dinner, television, a cup of hot green tea or cocoa, and we’re in bed by 11. I go up first, brush, pee, and rearrange the feather blankets.  We spoon before he falls asleep, and I slide over, onto my belly, left knee hitched up and both arms under my pillow.  The cat will wedge herself between us, if she can.

And that’s a usual day.  Weekends, there are usually no alarms, we make coffee in the morning instead of tea, we often shower together.  We run errands, we do stuff around the house.  Regular stuff.

But then, there are days like yesterday, when he comes in at 8 from working the football game.  His nose and cheeks are still red from being suspended 30 feet in the air on a scissor lift for several hours, and it makes his eyes look bluer than normal.  The way his smile pokes through his winter beard, and the way he looks all bundled up in a heavy Carhartt jacket and knit hat.  It just hits me.

This is my husband. And I am so in love with him.

I love him on all the regular days, I do, but then there are those days when you realize how in love you are, and how perfectly happy your life is.  When you come around the corner and see your house lit up, and walk in to the warmth of honey-oak floors and oil heat, and a husband with an arm outstretched, smiling, "hey, baby!" and life is just. right.

Yes, I am married. I have a husband. I have a mortgage and an oil company and a front loading washer.  And all the things I once thought would hold me back, would keep me from being ME, I now realize are the things that made me more me than anything else.

Marriage works for me.  Everyday isn’t filled with those huge epiphanies, but lots of small ones.  The days when it feels like the first time I knew I loved him, are great days.  The days in between are pretty damn good, too.  I love the routines for the security, and I love the wow moments for the spontaneity. I love it all, and I wish everyone could know happiness like this.

Inlaw Stupidness

Most people who know me in any sense, know that I am driven absolutely batshit by my inlaws.  There are so many reasons, their passive-aggressiveness, their simpleness, their ability to make the simplest shit annoying.  Anyway. New story.

Thanksgivings past, we have spent with the inlaws in some fashion.  Either uncomfortably staring at each other at my SILs house, or last year, uncomfortable eating at a restaurant.  Here’s the thing about holidays in restaurants for me. You don’t get to bitch about eh food or the service, it is a freakin’ HOLIDAY, and these people are making 2 bucks an hour to feed our ridiculously unmannered party of 16, depending on how many illegitimate babies and commonlaw spouses are there.  Or if the runaway sister of the commonlaw spouse shows up, that’s a wild card guest too.  It drives me absolutely nuts that people would dare complain about ANYTHING, when, for me, a holiday is about being with the family, not whether or not the bread basket is constantly being refilled, or if there is enough creamer at the table. DEAL.  The servers are NOT with their families, so shut the hell up and tip well.  My inlaws don’t do that.

We haven’t heard anything this year regarding Thanksgiving.  My folks have invited us to the mountain, and since we aren’t going to the lake for Christmas, we have been thinking we’ll take them up on their offer.  Dinner for four, with manners and a good tip, and great scenery to boot. Sounds lovely.

Dave just talked to his mom (who has been in the hospital twice since we last visited her — to take her the goddamn chair , which, I don’t think I ever told that story in its entirety, but it IS the goddamn chair — for unspecfified problems that are only related to "her haht.") who was all passive aggressive again, talking in her sick old lady voice, and said "Oh, well I thought you would have us all over for Thanksgiving this year."

What? What the what what?  APPARENTLY, even though Thanksgiving is in TWO WEEKS, they think we are hosting it.  We have never made any claims, we — you remember — NEVER TALK TO DAVE’S FAMILY, and they are silently waiting for an invite? To OUR HOUSE? Um, fuck no. 

So, Dave told her about our mountain plans, and she got all sad and said "I don’t know what’s going on, no one has called anyone" and dave said "Well, of course not, because our family is WEIRD."

"Oh, Dave," she whined," every family is dysfunctional, ours aint any different than any other family."

Which, Dave being the educated and refined man that he is, said nothing.  Because he:
A) Knows that she is fishing for him to say that "Yeah, Gretchen’s family is weird too!"
or B) Say, "No, actually, our family is seriously weird.  Gretchen’s family manages to function pretty normally."

Because, it is.  The poor bastard (which he has been called by most of his family, actually, on account of the "illegitimate"thing) has always known that his family was fucked up, and compared to my family, now sees JUST how fucked up it is.  I mean, my parents are in our lives. My sister is in our lives, and she lives in FUCKING COLORADO.  Her BOYFRIEND is more involved in our lives than Dave’s own siblings.  That is FUCKED. UP.  And this conversation, after my parents coming down so that Dad and I could go to a UM hockey game (UM-3, UNH -0), and my mom went shopping, and we all hun gout and I gave them cookies for the road, and her’s ol’ whiny MIL again, saying that her family is just like every other one. Well. It aint.

I could go on, and on, but here’s the thing.  My parents were there for me. they sacrificed so that I could have things I needed and wanted, I never once saw them smoking or drunk, and they didn’t put me on the street the day I turned 18 because they weren’t getting money for me anymore. Okay?  But, no, I’m "the rich bitch" to my ILs, and I’ve pushed my husband away from his family.

Sorry. It isn’t the case.  My husband has been welcomed into my family with open arms.  He knows he is loved by my parents, my sister, my grandparents, our friends.  It’s not about money. 

So, there’s that.  At this point, we’ll do thanksgiving at the mountain, unless my frickin’ inlaws don’t ever call my MIL, at which point we’ll take her out.  And you’d better believe we’ll tip well.

Weekend

First, Winkflash blows for photo service. Just an FYI.  Shutterfly costs more, but is far superior.  Winkflash does have a 100% money-back guarantee, so I’m not completely out of money and decent prints. Anyway.

I slept in embarrassingly late today, as Dave got up early to do the football game. Yay, overtime!  I called Angie, my friend and coworker, to see if she wanted to go to the craft fair at the civic center.  I wanted to see if there was anything cool, and to see what photogs were there, what they were charging, and whether I could compete.  I think I could definitely compete, and Angie thinks I don’t charge enough. I haven’t gotten any actual orders at school yet, which is weird, because I’ve seen people filling out the forms.  Maybe they are waiting til payday?  Ah well, I can at least give them as holiday presents.  Anyway, after that we went to World Over, to try to spend my gift certificate, but I couldn’t find anything I really wanted to buy.  There are some neat rugs that would be nice when the Sewing Room’s true purpose is revealed, but I didn’t want to buy today.  We then went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday, which is in the mall, and we got a booth next to a window that looks out into the corridor of the mall.  We saw three kids from school, two saw us.  One from my room, and a 6th grader whose mom just did the painting of FatKitty for me.  I wonder what kids think, to look in and see two teachers hanging out on their day off, drinking coffee and rolling their eyes and all.  We talked about being Embarrassing Teacher types and going into the arcade to throw down some mad DDR moves, but we didn’t.  I dropped Angie off, and came home, and waited for my sweet, wonderful husband to come home from working ALL day, on a scissor lift 20+ feet in the air.  When he got home, he was cold, cold cold…. anyway.

The school week ended well.  I had to get my grades done, which is always a pain in the ass, but three kids made honor roll that weren’t expecting it, and it was cool.  I also had only 6 As in math, and one went to a SED kid that had never been in "real math" before this year.  And, it was a "real A," too. He was so freakin’ proud, I wanted to cry.  I also had two girls come up to me to tell me that they couldn’t wait until graduation, (in JUNE) because they found a poem on the internet that they were going to read to me, about ‘the teacher they loved the most,’ and then they made me swear to not look it up before then. Ohhhhkaaayyy.  I also got some compliments at Digs about my magic fairy wand that I use to increase the positive energy in my class on bad days and before tests (and you know me , I am so not a fairywand person, but the kids love it in that "you are such a dork, and we love you anyway" way."

And after days like Friday, when the week was been just one big mindfuck as far as my teaching career goes (the whole Evil Empire ensuring NCLB will continue to be ‘enforced,; being hauled into SED because of a totally unfounded complaint that I instantly rebutted with documentation that I actually do a damn good job modifying for all students, thank you very much, another night to discuss our local assessment system and then, report cards) I feel like I COULD do this for another week.  One of my new honor roll kids is a kid that I thought would kill me last year, from the sheer hatred he had of me.  He started off sketchy this year, and then pulled it together.  As I said to Angie, "I think he gets it this year, that I’m not working against him, I’m working with him when I explain ‘Look, if you don’t take off the hat, Principal is going to nail you, and you know it, so I’M asking you to take off the hat before we leave.’ kind of stuff."  (Which, sidenote, no-hat policies are ridiculous.  I’d much rather have my kid wearing a non-offensive Sox hat than a hoodie pulled up an around their eyes, you know? Stupid rule.)

And, in the background is that whole ‘election’ thing that happened this week. I don’t even know where to start, except to say that if it comes down to an Underground Railroad for women that need an abortion, I live in a border state, and grew up in a border town, and would be right there to make sure women get what they need.  How fucking sad that I don’t think it’s that farfetched a concept?

Sobering

I love voting. I always have. I couldn’t wait to vote, but we waited til 6:15 to walk over, in the rain, carrying a hot mug of chai. There was no line, I voted, double checked that I had filled in the arrows for the right guys, triple checked, and walked home.

I had nightmares all night. I woke up, and wanted to throw up. Awful.

I spent the morning angry, and I got in my car and the DJ at the local college station said “Here’s a song, by tool, which reminds me of George. You know, geeooorrgggeee, the guy who had a thing last night? George. Was that subtle enough?”

And then he played Sober.

And I sang along, called my best friend who had voted for the first time*, ever, yesterday and cried as she left the booth. We commiserated. I turned onto the road to go to my school, and a huge rainbow stretched over the road. It will be okay, right? RIGHT?

Sober

There’s a shadow just behind me, shrouding every step I take, making every promise empty, pointing every finger at me. Waiting like a stalking butler who upon the finger rests. Murder now the path called “must we” just before the son has come. Jesus, won’t you fucking whistle something but the past and done? Jesus, won’t you fucking whistle Something but the past and done?

Why can’t we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can’t we drink forever. I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave, I will work to elevate you just enough to bring you down. Mother Mary won’t you whisper something but the past and done. Mother Mary won’t you whisper something but the past and done.

Why can’t we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can’t we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.

I am just a worthless liar. I am just an imbecile. I will only complicate you. Trust in me and fall as well. I will find a center in you. I will chew it up and leave,

Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust Me.

Why can’t we not be sober? I just want to start this over. Why can’t we sleep forever. I just want to start this over.

I want what I want. I want what I want. I want what I want. I want what I want.

*As a dual citizen, it was believed that voting in either country would mean abandonding citizenship in the other country. After lots of research, she found that wasn’t true. It’s not just a slackass reason she had never voted; I actually took her kid with ME to vote in 2000 because she wanted to be sure he saw the process.

Cycles

(First, TypePad rocks even more than usual; I didn’t lose my post! It totally looked like I did, it didn’t show up in recent entries or on the journal itself, but it did show up after I posted the second recap. So cool.)

Daylight Savings Time. It was dark by Oprah, and that’s just sick.

Here’s the thing, every year I do this. I get wistful for winter. By February, I’m all “Get me some fucking SUNSHINE already!” but this time of year? I start to sniff the air for snow.

Now that the leaves are gone, and especially with the early darkness, I am starting to think about my cocoa supply, and I’m wondering when my first snow day will be. There’s just something about that first snowfall that I can’t resist.

Today felt like snow. It was gray and cold, and woodsmoke was in the air.

I can’t wait to vote. I have been reading so much election stuff today, and I’m so irritated by the current administration that I am voting EAGERLY. I only wish we had cable to see The Daily Show coverage. I’ll have to settle for networks. I also researched what districts I’m now in (first time voting in this specific district; last presidential election I was on the East side, and last election we were out in the sticks) and figured out that I’m pretty much checking the D box for everyone. I’m a registered Independent, and in our neighborhood race, the Republican seemed to have good ideas but the Dem was a retired math teacher and had education first. (The Republican had health care as a priority, specifically Dirigo Health, which I support.)

Anyway, these cycles of change: time, weather, politics, etc, all make me hopeful. I may not be pregnant this month, but mayde Future Baby will be so liberal that existing in even the simplest form under the illiterate Republican fascist president is just too much to handle.

Obviously, something happens at 3.

Okay, I read a lot of blogs out there, and it seems there is this recent spate of 3 year olds having a fascination with open mouthed smiling. Seriously, it’s weird how I’m reading this of at least three different kids, all in different areas, doing the Freaky OpenMouthed Smile.

Quinn is three.

Sam is also three. (Read down for the talk about it.)

The Governor? THREE.

No real point in this entry, except as a PSA for parents of freaky open-mouthed smiling preschoolers. It’s normal, apparently.