I called the secretary to have her find a sub for the second half of the school day tomorrow, because I have class in the late afternoon, and I think I deserve the afternoon to go to my doc, right? Right.

So, the latest is that I am not bleeding. Nary a drop.  I also am feeling like total ass, to the point that I sort of gagged in the shower, and swallowed quickly, but for the girl who hasn’t vomited in NINE YEARS, it was the closest I’ve come.  I actually spun around and started drinking the hot water to get the taste out of my memory. I then put on my robe and curled up on the bed and fell asleep, when Dave woke me up I had to ask him to stop rubbing my belly because I felt gross.  He just smiled and said "Well, maybe you need to get used to that feeling . . . ."

I just went out to a client to try to help with an un/reinstall of NAV on his computer, and it didn’t work so i didn’t charge him, but I felt (and still feel) nasty and gross and hot and YUCK.  The thing that sucks is that there are so many reasons that I should be convinced that I AM pregnant, especially when you read back and I was convincing myself before my period was even due . . .  but the utter lack of a definitive positive HPT, and even conflicting results, is killing me.  To recap, I have nausea, appetite weirdness, smell sensitivity, fatigue, and you know, NO PERIOD.  I also have 2 tests with very faint faint lines.  The test line in each ‘positive’ test is the same color, it never darkened, however, the control line on the second ‘positive’ is lighter than the first . . . so was the overall urine intensity less this morning? If I had reversed the tests, would today’s faint line be darker? You know?  I also don’t have breast pain or enlargement, but I am a DD, so they are already big, and any tenderness I have is not the ungodly tits afire pain that I’ve heard described.  Maybe I’ll fell a quick, dull ache (noticed that when driving to the client’s) but what does that mean, really?

I’ve had some weird dreams, last night’s was about Dave and I bringing home a box of kittens from the grocery store, and one was terribly sick, and I was freaking out because A) wtf? We don’t WANT more cats, Fat Kitty is our one and only, and B) how can we even AFFORD all these cats, and C) if that one is sick, what do we do? We don’t even know or like these cats, so are we supposed to pay exorbitant vet fees to keep this kitten we don’t even know, alive? And D) what if whatever the sick kitten has spreads to FK, and when was her last set of shots anyway?

Do we really need to go into deep interpretation of that dream? I don’t think so.

And finally, behind the cut is an email I sent to my dear Persephone, who so patiently puts up with my "It’s  a SIGN!" nonsense.  It is so fitting that SHE becomes The Sign in the story below, and reminds me once again that the Internet is a small, small place.

(And, as I’m writing about signs, a tv character is talking about pregnancy pregnancy pregnancy. Sheesh.)

Continue reading →

No bleeding.

HPT looks just like the first one, thin line after 15 minutes, with the added twist that the control line is much lighter than the first control line.  So, does that mean if I had used test A, that the thin line would be darker, because the lines are relative? Or is it just an evap line? (I don’t have the packaging to know the exact times of testing.)

What I DO know, is that I am still not bleeding, and that I am going to call my doc tomorrow. Sigh.

CD Fucking FORTY THREE. Not a drop. Not a smidge, not a hint of a tan spot. NOTHING.

However, Amy confims that YES, there was a line on that first HPT, so I can scratch "hysterical hallucination" off the list of "things to worry about."  New plan, testing tomorrow using the same brand as the one that had a line before, and if nothing happens by Tuesday, I am calling my doc. If there is no line tomorrow, and no blood by Tuesday, I want a blood test for piece of mind, and reassurance that being over a week late doesn’t mean ectopic pregnancy or early menopause.

My trip to Portland was great; got to have some good best friend time, AND watch some cable.  I don’t want cable as much as I want Tivo, really, but watching old Wife Swaps and Da Ali G Shows sure is easy when you have a DVR.  When we took D to swim practice, the humidity of the the pool deck and the sound of the high schoolers kicks (thud, thud ,thud) made me nauseous.  I woke up with heartburn, again.  I’ve been having cramps ALL WEEK.  I’ve made countless runs to the toilet thinking "Aha, THERE it is . . ." only to find . . .  nothing. At all.  Sigh.  I also was able to smell a dirty diaper at Amy’s, and her kids’ Stink Blasters had me pulling my shirt up over my nose and mouth.  Amy insists that it’s not normal for me to smell that well.

After leaving Amy’s, I headed to Freeport to do some shopping.  I needed to get slippers for Dave, because there is no substitute for real shearling slippers.  I stopped in at the British Goods store, since it’s never open when I go through, and got way too excited to find Violet Crumble, my favorite candy ever, discovered in Australia and last consumed in Phoenix.  At LLBean, I got Dave’s slippers, a new Nalgene, some Hot Chillys pants, and a new tri-clip carabiner key chaing.  On my way to the car, I saw a place I’d never seen before, a puzzle and games store, and found the elusive Rush Hour expansion packs and another ThinkFun game, Square by Square, and everything was 40 percent off, so I got all that for less than 20 bucks. Nice.

By that time, it had started to snow, just some thin, dry, flakes here and there, but I wanted to get home before it got too bad.  It didn’t start swirling around the ground until about ten minutes from home, so I got home just in the nick of time… to find that Dave had cleaned the house, and done ALL the dishes.  He also had lit two of our citrus candles, and the place smelled SO. FUCKING. GOOD.  It still smells good. Mmmmmm…..

One line, no period, no snow day. Grrr.

I may still call the doctor, since I am so late, but I just want to get the next cycle started if that’s what’s going on.

Sigh.

So, it is now day 39.5. No bleeding.

My cycles for the last five months, counting backwards, have been  36, 36, 31, 32, & 35 days.  The average length is 34 days, and my longest ever has been 36 days.  So, I’m late, right?

When I was cleaning out the cupboard the other day, I found 2 HPTs stashed in there, probably hidden away when my mom was visiting. They were AccuClear brand, and not the "early detection!" kind.  I decided that I would pee on one this morning, just to jumpstart my period.

I had to pee starting at about 4am.  (Note, I never have to pee during the night. That’s Dave’s job.) I tossed and turned, trying to hold it until I get up (about 6) but at just past 5:30, I couldn’t wait any longer. I HAD to go.  I wobbled towards the bathroom, grabbed the test, peed on the stick with just the nightlight to guide me, and slid it back into the foil wrapper and threw it away.  I got that last 30 minutes of sleep, and got up for the day.  I hadn’t forgotten about the HPT, so I pulled it out of the trash, out of the foil wrapper, and saw . . .  something.

It wasn’t a bright pink line.  It didn’t whistle at me. It was a shadow where the line should be. It went from top to bottom, and was the width of the test line. But it was so, so faint that in my just waking, I had to rub my eyes and really look. But no. A hint of a line.

I took a shower, pondered, ate my oatmeal, felt sick (Oh, before getting out of bed, Dave was rubbing my belly and it was making me oogly, but I didn’t think too much about it til later) and checked again, more alert. Yep. A . . . something. Like a ghost of a line. Hrm.

I went into our room to wake Dave up.

"So, uh, I may or may not be pregnant."  He sat right up. "What does that mean?"

I explained that I tested, and there was a  . . . something, but it wasn’t definitive. And I read it after I should have, so it might be just. . .  nothing. But it’s rare for there to be nothing and still have any hint of a line. But, just, but . .  anyway, I had to tell you before I hit the internet for advice."

"If the line isn’t dark . . .  does that mean there’s something wrong with the baby? If there is one?"

I laughed at him, and went to work.  I posted on kvetch and Digs, looking for similar tales, and got several.  I called Amy, who was really groggy, and then I got an email from her later in ALL CAPS apologizing for not quite GETTING WHAT I WAS SAYING HOLY FUCK YOU’RE PREGNANT!  I decided to test again in the afternoon.

I didn’t pee or drink after noon, and we were able to leave as soon as the kids did because of a storm bearing down.  I stopped at Brooks and got a 2 pack of First Response.  I peed on one at about three, and there was no line. At all.

I curled up in my bed and took a nap, and woke up to Oprah’s "Miracle Babies" episode. I don’t know which is worse, admitting that I am afraid I’m not pregnant and I’m going to let the Internet down, or admitting that Celine Dion made me cry. 

I posted the afternoon results on kvetch, and someone replied to say that the same thing had happened to them, faint lines in the morning, no lines in the afternoon. I’ll test again in the morning.

The negative, though, only reinforced that there WAS a line on the am test, however faint. Comparing them side by side, there is an obvious difference, and I am not completely crazy.

The reasons I might be pregnant:

• Well, there was a line.
• Longest cycle EVER
• The smell thing continues
• The boobs are sore, but they always are before my period, it’s just more extended this time.
• Queasiness
• Fatigue

The reasons I might not be:

• It could be an evap line
• It could be a chemical pregnancy
• It could be defective
• I could just be adding yet another string of days to my cycle
• I could be queasy from the anxiety of work and TTC or the flu
• Because I got too excited over a faint as hell line

I don’t know. I want to be! I really do, you know that! I’m afraid that if I’m not, I’ll feel like the girl who cried zygote.  I just don’t know what I am?! ARGH.

I’ll keep you posted, but know that if it’s negative tomorrow, I’m going to feel like the biggest dumbass, ever. Sigh.