No word yet

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No word yet, on any of my resumes or temping or whatever. I did, however, see that my degree status has changed in the campus info system, meaning my stuff has been processed and I honest-to-god have a master’s degree. So, that’s cool.

Ingrid starts at daycare on Monday, regardless, and if I don’t have any temp assignment, I’m still going to take her to transition her, and then go to the superintendent’s office to fill out subbing applications. And that’s fine, because a gradual transition sits better with me, anyway.  Damn, I hope I get a bite, get something, some kind of forward motion with this whole ‘job’ thing.

Being all consumery and crap, part of the way I keep this job-fire lit is to compile mental lists that employment will afford us… aside from daycare, of course. I could use some new glasses, we’d like to do the windows/roof/siding eventually, and the big "I will research into the ground" product is a new car for me, because of the whole uninspectable thing going on with mine. WHich, I’m totally not worrying about, the new rules are set up to make it so that poor people can’t drive, and right now, I’m poor. I’ve been hearing lots of crazy "the car didn’t pass because" stories, and fuck, mine WON’T pass, to get it to would cost more than I paid for the car, probably, so I’ll just wait and if I get a ticket, whatever. Cheaper than a sticker.  ANYWAY. While we love our Subarus, our local dealer totally, completely sucks, and we’ve always said "oh, we’ll just go to dealer-in-a-town-an-hour-away" but as we tried to figure out how to get my car inspected/serviced there, we realized that tha was a real pain in the ass, too. I love my Outback, but now we’ve been talking about small SUVs — the Toyota RAV4 and the Honda CR-V. My SIL had the CR-V a few years ago and didn’t like it, didn’t like the AWD as compared to a Subaru, but damn, there’s a lot of pros to that car (not the least of which is that it’s sold by an in-town dealer that doesn’t have a horrible reputation, and that is also a client of Dave’s, which lowers the ‘I’ll screw you over’ threshold to about nil, since he gets on well with the president/owner/whoever guy, who is just a few years older than us..)  Toyota isn’t a client, but my folks have switched to Toyota because they like the dealership and service people so much.

Anyway, it’s all a fantasy world right now, of course, because I don’t have a Damn Job. I haven’t had a car payment in five years, and haven’t shopped for a car in, god, ten. (Holy shit! TEN?!) The last car I shopped for I bought from the Honda dealership, actually, but it was a used ford, and they were good to me then, too. (TEN YEARS, though? HOLY FUCK.)  Regardless, that wouldn’t be for a loong time, summer, anyway I’m thinking, but just daydreaming about having a new-to-me car is a little bit exciting. . .

In other news, my parents are coming back tomorrow, after having their return flight cancelled and rebooked for tomorrow because of the Texas ice storm. They lost a day with grandma by being stranded in San Antonio (it was a trip to grandma’s with a meeting in SA stuck in the middle) and then gained that day back with the flight cancellation. Of course, we have a nor’easter incoming, so that might fuck up their return flight, too, and almost certainly guarantees they wills tay with us tomorrow night (which is totally fine, Ingrid will be excited about that, I think.) Denver blizzard screwing with my family’s travel plans? check. Texas ice storm doing the same thing? check again.

I’m tired. I want a job and a known income and my savings account to grow quickly. Yawn.

Daycare

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Today we had our daycare meeting, an orientation and tour with the teachers Ingrid will have. I have to say, I feel really, really good about this place. On paper, it looks great, of course, and everything in there is brand new, which makes its own impression, but even more, the teachers seemed to be really nice. They were personable, and professional, both with bachelor’s degrees in ECE — one a fairly recent grad, from what I could tell, and the other was probably in her 40s. The room that Ingrid will be in is huge, easily more square footage than the infant and toddlers had put together at the uni. Because of the supply/demand, she’s actually the youngest baby in the Toddler 1 room, for 11-18 month olds, but the infant room (6w-11mo) had so much demand, and the Toddler 1 so little, they wiggled the dividing line to accomodate as many people as possible as they got started. Ingrid is one of 5 kids, the oldest 13mos, in the ‘Toddler 1’ room, with 2 teachers. (HELL of a ratio there, 2:5! and as that room fills, they’ll hire to keep the ratio at 1:4) At the university, the infant room was for 6w-18months, and that’s quite a span… Of course, Ingrid will be the little sitting buddha of the Toddler room, since she firmly believes that crawling is for pussies.  The room itself is bright and cheerful, with 2 little toddler height sinks, and wooden furniture, wooden play kitchen, a foam crawling area, books, puzzles, dolls, bead paths…. just really, really warm feeling. They have a no-shoes policy, another thing I like that the uni didn’t have, where adults take off their shoes before going in (as do the kids, I imagine) so that they don’t eat rocks and dirt and stuff, since kids of that age spend a lot of time on the floor.

My other big concern was about pumping and breastmilk storage — the paperwork said that bottles had to be prepared by us, not the staff, which would mean having to estimate how much she’d eat, blah blah blah… whereas at the uni, I just kept frozen EBM in the freezer, and they used it as necessary, which really cut down on waste. Unless you’ve pumped yourself, you have no idea how horrible the concept of "waste" is in this scenario. Anyway, they are totally cool with frozen bags of EBM, and really, it’s just for the next 4 months anyway, and I’m not opposed to supplementing if I have to. I want to nurse as long as Ingrid wants to, but the general rule is that one doesn’t need to pump after a year, and that would be cool, as pumping blows, and a lot of my internet people have followed that same path with great success.  They also provide snacks (fruit, cheerios, etc) and when she’s older, they’ll provide organic, vegetarian lunches. Good lord, the girl will eat better there than at home.

Today, it was snowing like mad, which made the location really stand out as a strong point. It’s less than a mile from our house (and if the director can get them to re-connect their entrance street to the business park road, that would probably cut our drive to less than .5 mile) and if I don’t work for an organization with snow days (highly likely) that means we have to get her to daycare anyway, and the less time that Ingrid is on a crappy road, the better, IMO.

And, the icing on the cake? because she’s a ‘toddler,’ we pay the toddler rate — NOT the infant rate, which is $15 dollars more a week. Yeah, it’s fifteen bucks, but every penny counts. Now I just need a Damn. Job.  At least I feel totally confident in our childcare choice now, it all looked good on paper, but you never know, you know?  They have a great facility — totally renovated, great playground, an activity room for gymnastics lessons (SHUT UP, AMY :P) and a kitchen for the kids to learn to cook (probably when they are a littler uh, older than Ingrid) and kid-size everything, which is really cool.  It makes the whole prospect of going back to work so much more manageable for me.  Not working is Not an Option, and to have a good daycare is so, so, sooooo great.

Now, send some job juju my way, wouldja?

Whoa!

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I’ve never actually seen "Instructional Technologist" as a title, for real. But that’s what’s in my degree, and what I put on my portfolio, almost tongue-in-cheek… annnnd, today, in the paper:

Data Specialist / Instructional Technologist

       


Full-time position in the Registrar’s Office responsible for transcript
analysis and recording student transfer credits into CAMS system.
Perform data entry of mid-term and final grades, execute reports to
faculty and staff. Process graduate petition requests, diploma orders,
establish and maintain course offering schedules and process academic
status-related documentation in a timely manner. Set up new user
accounts in CAMS and provide training workshops for faculty and staff.
Develop customized reports utilizing SQL, as needed. Establish and
update Student/Faculty web based portal and troubleshoot moderate
technical issues. Develop e-portfolio, laptop instruction for student
cohort groups. Minimum Bachelor’s degree required. HTML, SQL,
proficiency in MS Office, CAMS system software desired but will train.
2 years business and/or computer applications experience, preferably in
a higher education institute.

Whoa! From what I know, CAMS is student info management (UM has DSIS), which, I can figure that out with a day or two…. and I don’t have SQL, but "as needed" gives me confidence that that’s not a huge deal, and it’s not the director position, so there’s someone else that knows what’s up with that. And seriously, e-portfolio? How many applicants will actually *have* an e-portfolio, online, with the URL on the resume? No, seriously? How many? Most of the IT grads don’t keep their portfolios when they are done (and they are generally kind of lame to begin with, I really bucked tradition by self hosting under my own name, but THIS is exactly why I did that.)  No idea of salary, not sure on the experience part, but, whatever. I’m an Instructional Technologist and the local private college needs an Instructional Technologist.  And I bet it would at least cover daycare costs…..

Temp Agency

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I had my interview at the temp agency today, which went swimmingly. I filled out the boilerplate stuff, and then was led to a room to do a skills test. The first one was typing, which, I’m a pretty good typist, but the keyboard to the PC was like this one, where instead of a double-wide backspace key, it was single wide, with the forward slash key next to it, instead of on the bottom row, which meant that any error became a double or triple error, as it would be like "Teh//he" and on and on…. so, when the interviewer came in when I was one, I mentioned in a very professional, not know-it-all way, that their keyboard blew. (For me, it was also one of those with the sticky-uppy clackety clackety keys, basically the opposite of any mac keyboard, or any modern PC keyboard for that matter…) She looked a little puzzled, until I pointed at her own keyboard and said, "see, yours has the double-size backspace key…" and she went "ohhhh! I never even noticed that! you’re the first person to mention it! Maybe we should change that…." and then looked at my test score and said "But even with that, your tests are excellent, so that’s good." Heh. Maybe I should add that to my list of Mad Skillz: can type on non-regulation 20th century keyboard.

The interview part was fine, I explained the daycare-economy driven need for employment, which she totally understood, and I also mentioned my previous temping experience, that I knew what it was all about, and it might be good while I look for a permanent job, etc etc.  I don’t think she’d ever gotten a resume that included a link to an online portfolio before, either. Anyway, there were a couple of tech supportish positions available, one that I’d responded to from an online ad, and another at the local phone company, which is about .5 mile fromour house, closer even than daycare, smack dab between the two. The job description for that read like something I was about 90% qualified for, so I initially was like "hmmm" because the 10% I wasn’t qualified for was telephone technology, but in my recent angst, someone mentioned that I manage to figure stuff out, anyway, so I said "yeah, you know what? send them my resume. If I’m not the right person for that job, I’m not, but maybe they have something else they’d want me for."  Also? $15/hour. (REGIONALLY, people, that’s damn good. 😉 ) It’s actually the company we have our phone and internet through, and when I had to deal with tech support recently, they were really great (and I was prepared to throw down) and listened to me when i said "no, I’vetried all that, something is not right on YOUR end," and when the guy realized no one had ever activated my modem, he was instantly apologetic, and had us up in no time.  When I had gone to the office to pick up the new modem, the receptionist and I talked for a good fifteen minutes about kids (she has twin girls, now 12), and I actually came home and looked up their website to see if they had any job listings, which they don’t — because they go through this agency. It seemed like a not so bad place to work, and seriously, I could WALK THERE. Entertaining a fantasy of walking Ingrid to daycare and myself to work, even. We’ll see.

But, here’s my question, maybe folks can weigh in: Master’s Degree. Do you expect someone to be an actual MASTER of everything in that field, OR, does it indicate a level of intelligence/dedication/work ethic that shows one can master new ideas? Does the degree indicate a noun or a verb, you know?  In looking at jobs, i think, "Oh, I have 90% of the skills" but I know I could learn just about anything, but do hiring managers, etc, think the same thing? Just a curiosity, really.

Work and Stuff

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So, I’m looking for a job, and I have daycare lined up, and I have the master’s degree finished. But damn, it stresses me out. This stuff is hard.

Today, for instance, it is crappy and freezing rainy/snowy, and so Ingrid and I are going to stay in the house. I’ll finish the laundry, I have tea on, she’s up for her first nap and Dave will be home at noon for his lunch hour. We got out of bed at 8:15, and the only reason I know that is that I check the clock to figure out the cat’s insulin shot. I’m dreading the idea of getting us all out of the HOUSE by 8, when we don’t get out of BED before 8.

I got the Y brochure this weekend, and went through it looking to see if they’d added new baby programs so that I could update my website if necessary. They hadn’t, but, it still made me miss my fantasy SAHM world, where we have a family membership to the Y, and a few days a week I take Ingrid to infant swimming, or take her to the child care room so I can do the lunchtime yoga class, or pilates, or… something. And then we go outside and get in our street legal, low mileage Outback to get to the library for some books, before meeting friends at the Bagel Shop for lunch.

The reality? Is that I’m dodging cops on the way to free storytime, because my inspection is way out of date, and it will cost a ton of money to inspect my car this year — a combo of new inspection rules, and people not letting the Stuck-On ABS light to slide. (which sucks, it was a recall my parents tried to fix for YEARS, but the local dealership — who we will never buy from, incidentally — never actually fixed it, they’d call them to come in — form 100 miles away, of course — not fix the damn light, but say the brakes needed to be entirely replaced or whatever. They have a big award in the waiting room for selling the most ‘parts and service’ in the region or country or something, which… that’s not the award you want to see, am I right? I digress…) so, I dodge cops, our savings is dwindling, and affording a luxury like the Y isn’t going to happen. And working won’t let it happen, either, because when I’m going to be reducing my RDA of Ingrid to like, 2 waking hours (UGH) I don’t want to spend that time at THE Y.

I feel so lucky to have had 8 months of All Ingrid, All the Time, and I need to be bringing in an income — in addition to the car repairs, we need a new oil tank this year, which is a major expense. And hi, savings. We need to build that back up. And my student loans are coming out of grace soon. And. And. And.

I need to work. I need to have a job. I am thankful that I have a daycare slot in the only accredited place in town, that it’s near to our house and Dave’s work, that I have a degree that means I will be able to (hopefully) work in a field I love, not just nights at Wendy’s or something, and actually MAKE money over and above the daycare expense.  (You know, knock wood and all that…)

But still. It’s HARD to wrap my head around, and then add in that any job I get will be brand new, so there’s all that new job anxiety, plus First Job as a Mom (I don’t count LLB here, because that was quite mindless, and didn’t involve a daycare payment near the price of our MORTGAGE), and, damn, it’s nerve wracking. Nerve. Wracking. 

I still haven’t heard anything from the resumes I’ve sent out (tho one has certainly not arrived yet, the school dept one…) but I have to tell dave, out loud, when I send one, just to get used to the idea. It also makes me a little accountable — not that I have to report to my husband, but it’s good for ME to say "hey, I saw a job" and follow with "and sent them a resume today." I’m really wondering what the Staples copy center folks think, since I’m always applying for tech jobs, but going to THEM for printing. I mean, I don’t have a printer anyway, and fuck! It’s likw $.20 a copy, laser B&W, on pretty, heavy, paper! Why WOULD I fuck around at home?

Well, that’s that.

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Loooooong story short, my cousin’s ex has taken the kids to MO, the eldest basically against his will, and in the process she made sure to tell everyone what a horrible person my cousin was (my aunt, his mom, got the majority of this discussion — classy) while everyone else just sort of watched her, slack-jawed, through all of this because she is THAT much of an asshole (with serious problems, not the least of which is nicknaming her 12 year old daughter "Tits.). In addition, because my cousin had never formalized his will, and because the estate by default goes to his kids, and because she got a lawyer to grant her custody, she gets the estate, too. Not that she cares — she took the kids to the airport as soon as she could, and is gone.  We are all fairly confident that we won’t see the kids ever again, unless they survive her to adulthood and realize just exactly what’s gone on in the last 2 weeks — hell, their whole lives. In. Fucking. Sane.  And unbearably sad, mostly for my parents (who were, for example, the emergency contact for the kids — they would spend sick days in the studio with my mom) and for my aunt (who has not only lost her son, but now, his kids too) and for the kids, who may never know exactly what they’ve lost.

Cell phones

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I cancelled my TMobile service on the 1st, because while it started off really good, the service in the last 6 months has gone completely to shit, as I’ve mentioned before. I would have five bars of service, dial, put it to my ear "call failed!" and look down, no bars of service. And this is in TOWN, not in my parents basement in the middle of the woods or whatever. I don’t even get how people can rely on a cell as a sole phone number, because I swear to god, my own experiences have just sucked. But, they do, and I see people on cell phones EVERYWHERE. Hell, in my own HOUSE I barely got service, but I’ve seen people from all kinds of other providers talking away on theirs! Anyway. DEEEpressing.

So, I cancelled the service, and want to go with a regional carrier, Unicel, because it seems that around here, if you can rely on your cell as your sole phone, you use Unicel. Plus, it’s the only carrier that has mini-plans, which are my preference, because I’m really NOT a cell phone user, but it’s really nice to have when I’m running late, or whatever. Plus, I am a HUGGGGE geek, and love the camera phone concept, and, quite honestly, I used my phone more for it’s camera than it’s PHONE, so,err, yeah.

Anyway.

Here’s the rub! Yay, Unicel for having a $20 plan and good local coverage and all of that! But, your phones blow, from what I can see. I really loved my Motorola V330, like, a lot, and it’s not an option at Unicel. I really want a camera phone but my choices are the RAZR (so does not appeal to me, looks like an accident waiting to happen) or the PEBL in red (very cute, but not well reviewed), or the Nokia 6103 — again, looks fine, but not well reviewed, and maybe possibly the Sony Ericsson z520A – no longer on the website, but it was at the kiosk in the mall. The Sony appeals the most, I think, but then there seems to be some problem with the screen going black within months, if I’m to, again, believe the reviews.  The  cheapest  camera phone option is the LG1400, which won’t allow me (if I’m to believe the website) to use the picture messaging email thing, which if I get a camera phone, i totally want to do, because I’m a weirdo and love Molly’s cameraphone LJ, which would be possible to do through unicel, I do believe.  Oh, and the Nokia and LG are tri-band, instead of quad.

And then I think, jesus christ, it’s a PHONE that you will rarely USE, so just get the freaking base model, the Motorola V197 (it has to be a flip phone, that’s a dealbreaker) which would be like, 30 bucks before rebate, is quadband, all of that….  which would really be the sensible thing to do, you know, just get THAT and then… upgrade? I wonder if you can do that. Or when I get a super awesome job, maybe I’ll be able to upgrade to a phone I really want, instead of choosing from phones I don’t necessarily dig. Any experience or advice?

ARGH.

CleaningHouse

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Not my physical house, although we’ve been doing that too — trying to re-find stuff that was put away wrong by well meaning family members over the holidays just makes it trickier — but for a few weeks I’ve been planning on cleaning my iBook of random data, and the addition of a D70 means that I should really make room for more pictures, aside from the 3k (of 1mb or bigger pics, too) I have in iphoto already. I’ve had a TON printed, but really, only about 1/7 of that, and I post probably less than 10 percent of all pics I take, but even the ones that haven’t been printed or posted, I want the originals, I don’t know, in case Ingrid wants to make a flip book of her first year or whatever. But managing to rack up 3k of pics in 7 months (and yes, almost all are of Ingrid or Ingrid-related) with just occasional visits from the D70, means that I think I’m looking at taking even more photos this year with the new camera. Tomorrow is Other Data day, where I’ll burn off school work and other crap, filter through the random PDF files that I don’t need, etc, and back that up.

I also finally, cancelled my cell service today — I had TMobile from 2005, and it worked well for a good long time, but after Ingrid was born it went straight to shit — I think I had 5 successfully completed phone calls in the last 6 months. I’ve only been able to complete a voicemail check 3 times, I think. It’s gotten insanely shitty, considering I live in one of the biggest cities in Maine. (Prowling on the internet, though, I see that something definitely happened wrt T-Mo over the summer, and I’m not the only one suffering.) Part of why I liked them was that I could get a less than $40 plan, but some investigation shows that Unicel has a $20 plan which would be perfect, and I know several Unicel users that have their cell phones as sole phones, and they always sound crystal clear, never have service issues, etc. I’m not going to sign up right away, but that’s on the agenda for The Future. (weirdly, though, it seems like Unicel’s phones are a generation behind all of the other companies phones, but, whatever… I just need a damn phone.

ANYWAY.  I tend to love the holidays, agnosticism aside, and yet, I also love the return to normalcy that January 2 tend to provide. Now, I have to go find my ass a JOB. Sigh.

Year in Review

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Year in Review, with unchanged answers in italics.


1. What did you do in 2005 that you’d never done before? Had a baby, finished my Master’s degree, learned how to shoot up a cat.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

For last year, I did give birth, and I didn’t get back to yoga (wednesday night grad classes, money, etc..) and my own physical health? Eh, the priority was Ingrid, really.

So, for this year, my own physical health is back on there, as well as finding a career, and being a really good mom.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Me! And by virtue of being pregnant, lots of other people did, too, it seems. Babies everywhere!

4. Did anyone close to you die?  Uh, yeah. Which sucks.

5. What countries did you visit? I don’t think I even made it to Canada this year. Damn.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006? A balance between income and parenthood, for both of us. Practically, a new oil tank and some new windows.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 19, 2006, Ingrid’s birth, and December 24, 2006, Colson’s death.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Ingrid! Master’s Degree!

9. What was your biggest failure? I really felt like my brain got mushy with the pregnancy and all, so I wish I’d been sharper at school.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? The usual allergies/eczema/asthma. Oooh, that great Valentine’s Day of back spasms, the ER, and then getting rearended in front of the PO on our way home, which I didn’t feel, thanks to morphine. And the week following of percocet and bedrest was weird, too.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Slings/Wraps, etc.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Dave, who was a rock through all of the emotional and physical stresses of the last year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Bush, etc.

14. Where did most of your money go? Mortgage payments.   Baby stuff.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?  Ingrid. The D70.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006? "I don’t love you much, do I?"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner — but how could I not be.
iii. richer or poorer? definitely poorer. Emotionally, way richer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Writing, exercising, photography

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Procrastinating.  Sneezing. Scratching.

20. How did you spend Christmas? With my husband & parents; Kate & Ingrid

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? Every day, with Dave. Ingrid!

23. How many one-night stands? 0

24. What was your favorite TV program? Grey’s Anatomy

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nah.

26. What was the best book you read? My god, did I read a book? That wasn’t made of cardboard, short stories, or for school? Eeek.

27. What were your greatest musical discoveries? Made up songs for Ingrid.

28. What did you want and get?  A baby! A master’s degree! A good 7 months and counting of being home with my baby.

29. What did you want and not get? New windows.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?  Ummmmm…. I didn’t see many movies.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 31, and went to the lake for lobster and the fourth of july.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?   Having a secret trust fund appear, magically.  If
we’d gotten windows with our savings and not had to pay taxes like we
did. I really hate our windows. I want new ones that tilt-in. Sigh.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? Pregnant, postpartum, and eh, I don’t have a job, who needs clothes?

34. What kept you sane? My husband, the internet, and Ingrid.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Always Rollins. Always.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? The
political crap, of everything spiraling out of control and no one
caring because a blow job wasn’t involved.

37. Who did you miss? I wish Amy lived closer, especially with Ingrid here now.

38. Who was the best new person you met?  Ingrid!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006: Epidurals are 1000 times less scary than the internet makes you think.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:  "See how it sparkles in my eyes? I couldn’t hide it if I tried"

Come on, 2007.

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So. Fucking. Tired.

We went home for the funeral today, which was so so so sad… standing room only, literally, and people from allw alks of life mourning my cousin. So many grown men in Carhartt and work boots, crying their eyes out, and my youngest cousin is still waaaaay in denial, spending much of her time twisted around in the pew smiling at her friends (who sat in the family section, and got all eye-rolly when I asked them to slide down so that Dave and I could sit. Sigh.) Lots of people were happy to see Ingrid, but so much sadness… my parents, especially, in looking at the photos of his life, so many were taken at my house, at the mountain, or with my folks or BY my folks — they were really a huge part of his life. I feel quite peripheral to that relationship, for a lot of reasons, but seeing it all laid out in photos like that made me so sad for my mom and dad. For family here, he had his kids, and he had my parents. I was just telling dave that I’d spent a NYE with all of them at the mountain a few years back, where they got horribly sick, and I was going insane trying to sleep between the sounds of EC puking and my parents snoring. (I wrote about it on the old journal, even…)

The kids are… kids. EC is surrounded by his friends, at the house, all skaters and hipper than thou and such, but good kids in general, and Ashley is just up to her eyeballs in denial, her mom took her and some friends to the camp for a new years eve party. MMmmm, party. And EC’s friends dressed pretty appropriately, while Ashley’s were in Wheelies, which just really bugged me for some reason. I don’t know, kids need their friends, but the roller skates could have stayed home, you know? There was the usual array of funeral food, which I am convinced exists solely to make sure you don’t sully a favorite food with a sad memory, because WHERE ELSE do you see cream cheese crustless sandwiches, or ground spam? Seriously. At a funeral, the only identifiable sandwich is egg salad, and I always aim for that.

We went back to the house, which was just family, but sad in a different way — the way the place was plasted with pics of his kids, the birthday cards from the kids still on the fridge, christmas cards on the mantel and whatever. So, so, soooo fucking sad. And the legal stuff hasn’t even been scratched yet, because all the lawyers and such are on vacation — so the custody issue is the elephant in the room; with Ashley assuming she’s moving to KC with her mom, and EC a little more aware, and wanting to move in with his friend, but understanding that that’s just not what’s going to happen. That’s still  a great big Undecided.

We left the house at 7, and came home, and we’re both beat. Dave had Ingrid in the basement for almost all of the service, while I sat upstairs as part of the family, and man, I crieeeed. So. Fucked. Up.  We had just 30 guests at our wedding, he and the kids were three of those guests, and when I look at our guestbook-photomat, there are a few names on there that I’d have expected to go before Colson. Christ, my MIL, for one, since, as dave has said, at least once a year he steels himself for it to be The Final Illness, and he’s been doing that since heart attack #1, when he was in SECOND GRADE. Not… COLSON.

Long day. I’m way, way, ready for 2007.